My point is, in order for someone to get the new improved version of your h, he would have to be improved. Does running from your issues improve someone?
Georgiabelle I love this. I don't see that my H is working on himself at all, in fact he doesn't see the need to, everything is my fault you know. OW doesn't know what she's getting into.
I certainly don't want to absolve myself for things I did wrong in my m. I allowed a great deal of resentment to build up in my and I was exhausted. I tried to do everything to keep everyone a float. A very bad idea on my part. I should not have allowed that to happen and discussed it with my h. That's why it's so important to improve yourself. You can't improve anyone else.
However, it does take 2 to make it work. I think we incorrectly assume that if someone leaves then ultimately they too will be looking at themselves. It does happen although offer times it doesn't. Just my two cents.
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 08/13/1404:34 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
As always, thanks for the words of advice and commiseration. Today was an emotional day, with the same issues and fears coming up again and again.
I think there's a lot of wisdom in the idea that he's unlikely to have changed, especially at this point. I've been willing to acknowledge and work hard on my issues, but he's seen nothing wrong with anything he's done, and views himself as being the only one who's put in any effort. I'll readily admit that I neglected my marriage, too, and that there's a lot that I could and should have done differently. I've seen none of the same self-examination from him, though.
This suggests to me that he's not looking at himself and will still be the same person who avoids responsibility and puts the blame for issues on someone else. And, even if he's making changes like losing weight and getting a job now, he's doing those things for himself and because he has to, not because he's invested in working together with someone else to build a life together.
Last edited by Meghan; 08/14/1402:09 AM.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
^^ That is what makes this so difficult, right? It's like, we know it's POSSIBLE, in theory, to rebuild the M and be happy together. We are doing our part! But it would take a lot of work on their part, too. And we are not in control of whether they are willing or able to do their part.
Agreed, Claire. This has been one of my biggest frustrations - seeing where we could be if we both looked at where we are and how we got here and put in some work to make things better. I've been doing the work and would be willing to do a lot more - and do it alone for some time, if need be - but you're right that we have no control over what they do.
I think sometimes the work is scary, or it seems like it will be too much work, or they think they can't get past the resentment to forgive, or they don't want to give any more time, or they've just got other things going on and don't want to. It's a hard place to be in when the potential seems to be right there but you're the only one who can see it and the only one willing to work for it.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
For myself... Sometimes I feel that as hard as I *want* to make certain changes and I succeed in making them with my kids and other people, with him I just find myself slipping backwards before I even realize where I am. It's so frustrating, and makes me wonder if he & I could succeed if he got his head around it. If I have these doubts, and I know what's at stake and that I actually believe it's worth the effort, how much more hopeless must it look to the person whose instinct was to walk?
My IC has talked about emotional intelligence. I'm beginning to feel that's next on my reading list. For myself.
Sending warmth, ladies. I feel blessed to know you anonymously.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, I hear you (um, I was a TOTAL wreck all day in anticipation of this meeting with H tonight). But I honestly think that if he also showed a willingness to work through things as a team, I would probably respond differently. We'd be able to communicate so much more openly about our fears and concerns.
And, though our heart is so invested in our kids, it's just a different relationship than with a spouse. We'd have to be pretty horrendous for our kids to not have any response to our positive changes and efforts, and we'd never drop the rope on them.
As for "others" (friends, colleagues, etc)-- the stakes are just not as high.
But you make a great point-- it must seem so hopeless to them.
I think there's a lot of wisdom in the idea that he's unlikely to have changed, especially at this point. I've been willing to acknowledge and work hard on my issues, but he's seen nothing wrong with anything he's done, and views himself as being the only one who's put in any effort. I'll readily admit that I neglected my marriage, too, and that there's a lot that I could and should have done differently. I've seen none of the same self-examination from him, though.
This suggests to me that he's not looking at himself and will still be the same person who avoids responsibility and puts the blame for issues on someone else. And, even if he's making changes like losing weight and getting a job now, he's doing those things for himself and because he has to, not because he's invested in working together with someone else to build a life together.
Gah, this is so familiar I could have written it myself. Are we married to the same man and he's leaving us both? .
My h says he's working on himself but I have a feeling that means he's dwelling deeply on all my wrongs and how broken he is from them (which I understand because I neglected our marriage, too). He's a proud over-thinker (he thinks this means he's working on himself by thinking about his pain constantly) but he's profoundly negative which certainly does not help the situation. His life is hell, his wife is a b!tch, he is just waiting to die, he hasn't been happy for years, hates our home, and is overweight because of me.
It's a tough burden to be SO at fault for the demise of our marriage.
I think there's a lot of wisdom in the idea that he's unlikely to have changed, especially at this point. I've been willing to acknowledge and work hard on my issues, but he's seen nothing wrong with anything he's done, and views himself as being the only one who's put in any effort. I'll readily admit that I neglected my marriage, too, and that there's a lot that I could and should have done differently. I've seen none of the same self-examination from him, though.
This suggests to me that he's not looking at himself and will still be the same person who avoids responsibility and puts the blame for issues on someone else. And, even if he's making changes like losing weight and getting a job now, he's doing those things for himself and because he has to, not because he's invested in working together with someone else to build a life together.
. 