I'm sorry it's been a rough couple days. I don't have any advice, just support!
((((((Matt))))))
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Thanks AT, your support really does help a lot. To top it off I got a registered letter notice from the IRS. Now I will need to pick it at the post office and see just what the damage is going to be!
OK people not sure what to do! I tried to talk to my D14 last night about where she wants to live but I just couldn't do it! I feel so bad for her! She just hangs out all day and reads and watches TV and texts. I told her that since she will be going back to school soon, we should do something fun this week. Go to amusement park or hiking, anything she wants to do. I told her to bring a friend and they can even stay over if she wants. So far I've gotten nothing back. Just a "Yeah, I'll think about it". I'm worried about it as over the last couple years her mom wouldn't let her friends come over the house and my D got used to not being able to have her friends come over. Looking back, I really wish I hadn't let my W have so much power! I should have just over ruled her but I let her get away with so much crap. I'm a little worried that my D14 may be more affected by things than I thought! She just stays up really, really late watching TV and on her phone and Kindle reading. Doesn't say much to me (I wish her sister was still around, she was much more open and talkative when she was here too). Much of this is normal teenager stuff but I know that she is unhappy about the D.
Maybe she senses that I need to talk to her about something I really don't want to? I just am dreading having to ask her about this but it is something that has to happen. I will not allow my W to just have her way when I don't think it is right. She had to have her "freedom" and doesn't care about how it hurts those around her and unless I find a way to stop her, she will just continue hurting my D14 as well.
Right now I really don't like my W at all. The hugeness of her selfishness has really been hitting home lately. Even before she left, for a few years she never seemed to care about much except her work and her friends from work, being a part of the "in" group at her job, working all day with these people and then texting with them all night (she once said when I asked why she felt the need to do that,that she didn't "..want to miss anything fun or important" that the other people at work were talking about) she is just so fixated on being part of the group at work but see's no problem in tearing her family, the group that really means the most in life, apart.
Well, I can't avoid this talk with D14 any longer. I will need to do this tonight when I come home from work for sure. I'm so worried about her. She has always been sensitive, much more so than my older D, and she is hurting inside, I know that. It's up to me to keep her steady as she sure as heck can't count on her mother. In fact, I'm going to ask her about going to C when I talk about where she would rather live. Whether her mom backs her going or not doesn't matter, it may be what she needs right now!
And to top it off now I have another (registered) letter from the IRS! UGH!!
You need to step back and take a deep breath. What you are describing is normal teenager behavior. Don't read so much into it. I have three teen daughters 19, 17, 15, so I speak with experience on this.
In terms of talking to your daughter, don't be surprised if she does not want to talk about it. If she does, I would frame it in a way that lets her feel she is participating in the decision. You could set it up by telling her that her mom is pushing the divorce forward as fast as possible. Let her know that the court system wants to know her living arrangements as part of the divorce. Tell her the different options. Tell her that you feel that she should be as comfortable in her choice as she can be and that she should not feel that she is choosing between either of you. That you will always be there for her. Let her know that she should let either of you know if you or your wife are putting any pressure on her to choose one of you over the other. Tell her when you need to let them know and that you are available to answer any question she may have.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Hey Matt, hope the talk went well. Seems that teenage girls do that, my niece just turned 13 and all she does is stay in her room, read, text, talk to friends on skype or plays xbox, really doesn't interact with people at home. Asked some others about this and it's completely normal behavior for teens now. lol when I was that age I was outside playing, riding bikes, hiking, we didn't have all that technology though. Hope you're doing ok. Remember to breathe, go jogging, walking, biking, hiking, hit a punching bag, do pushups, anything to get some of that pent up stress out.
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
Matt, just read through what you're going through recently. Your story makes me grateful my sons are adults.
(Parenting girls, I think, is harder than parenting boys! But during a MLC, too? God!)
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Hi Nitty, Apparently, my W has told my older D19 that she had "thought about" waiting to leave until D14 was out of school but decided not to (yeah, like an MLCer would EVER do anything like that for anyone else). The thing is My W hasn't been much of a mother since all this began about 3 years ago. There are some days that she seems like she knows that she hasn't been much of a parent but it never lasts. She just can't think of anyone but herself. And yes, it's very hard to parent while they are so lost. I tried and tried to my W to do stuff together as a family but just couldn't ever get her to. Add to that the "forgetting" to go to school meetings, pick up the kids after school, etc. and it makes life really hard.
Thanks for the kind words, Nitty. It's been a long, hard summer for sure!
I agree that your d14 is probably going thru teenager stuff, but I think she probably needs someone else to talk with, like a C. Not sure when school starts for you all, but I talked with my kids c at school and gave her a heads up. She's going to do weekly check-ins with them, allowing them to talk if need be.
Maybe your d's c could approach it from new school/area for her and then be open with her for anything she may be struggling with. They aren't therapists, but it will allow your d a third party to confide in. Plus you can get around the W with her not wanting d to get IC, because a school counselor is there for her with anything she may need. ( I'm getting on my pedestal, this is what I'm going to school for ) Regardless, just like you, d needs someone to help her through this and her friends may not really give her the best advice.
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Good morning Heather!, Thanks for that post! Couldn't have come at a better time as things aren't going very well at the moment. I tried a couple times in the last few days to talk to my D14 about custody. She just refuses to even talk about it. This is what it was like after B-day when her sister would ask about what was going on between her mom and I. I would tell them both that mom is unhappy and was going through a tuff time, etc. and my older D who was 17-18 at the time would ask deeper questions, my younger D would just say she didn't want to hear about it. Like ignoring it would make it go away. I really think my D14 is hoping that things will get better and that her mother will come to her senses. It breaks my heart! My W should know all about this as she went through D as a child herself! But to her it's different because, like all MLCers, what they are doing isn't the same as when OTHER people do the exact same things.
I can't put off talking to the lawyer. He really needs to respond to my W's filing. The only thing she would say when I insisted that we really need to talk was that she wanted to wait until school started and see how that went and how she feels then. I tried to tell her I was so sorry that she is in this situation. That she isn't being asked who she loves more or choosing either me or her mother. I only want what's best for and I really think that she is old enough to have a say where she lives and what she wants and not be locked into what a court order says she MUST do.
At this point I really think I need to do what I think is best. I just don't think my W even can be a good mother. Past experience has shown that she will work late almost every day and leave D14 home alone until late. That she feels that at 14 she is old enough to fend for herself and doesn't need to bother to cook meals. For the last few years she never would even make time to talk to her when she asked because she was always to tired or too busy. I'm going to tell my L to ask for primary custody with liberal visitation. If my W had just waited and we could have seen how things went once she was in her new school, which would have given our D14 a chance to get into some kind of routine before having to face that her parents are now D'd at the same time as she is having to go through so much other change, maybe I would have felt better about the 50/50, 7 days with me, 7 days with her mom that my W has wanted so badly from the start. But like a typical MLCer she can only think about herself and what SHE wants, never about what is best for anyone else.
My W has said that what she really wants is to be on her own. Well, she has that but now that's not enough. Now she must get the D right now. I'm sure when that doesn't magically make her happy she will find some new thing that she must have to make her happy! I'm more convinced then ever that she isn't getting what she thought she would from leaving. If she had she wouldn't be pushing things forward so quickly. I also think she thinks she can get whatever she wants as I've pretty much allowed her to do whatever she wanted for a long time. Well, not now. Not when it's about what is best for my D! So, I'll be telling my L to go ahead and ask for full custody today. I hope it's what's best for my D and the fact that my W only cares what is best for HER and not her D just seals it for me!
Thanks for the great greeting this morning! Really needed that hug!!
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