Not sure how to classify the weekend. We had plans to take S to waterpark on Sunday. W called Saturday to say she was really tired and had plans with cousin in the morning and wasn't sure she would feel up to going. I just tried to leave it as not a big deal. S and I would go either way so if she didn't want to come along to let us know and I'd just plan on picking him up. I finally heard from her after noon Sunday, way later than we had planned, and she is ready to go. I said nothing about being so late. We had a great time and I tried to keep focus on S and what was fun for him. I thought I was doing a good job at being detached and not pursuing, but sounds like its not so. We stopped to get a bite to eat at one point and W picked up her phone from the storage locker and immediately starts texting. I ask if everything at work and she tells me about this guy at her new job she is talking to all the time who was stuck working Sunday. They share an office and chat a lot I guess. I didn't say anything about it but during lunch she said it was obvious that I was jealous when she brought him up and wanted to assure me it wasn't 'like that'. She explained that he was currently separated from his W and just looking for someone to talk to. I didn't pursue the conversation. Anyhow, W spent the last hour of the day and the trip home being extremely quite.
The overall day was great. A lot of laughs and S had a great time playing with both of us. He rarely gets to do things with both of us now. We also made some arrangements for this week. I have to go back out of town again but needed to figure out getting S back to pediatrician and then arrange the meetup for his open house / meet the teacher event on Friday with W.
She made various comments during the day about being fat, having terrible looking legs, and a few other comments. I wasn't trying to pursue but quickly responded to let her know that wasn't the case. I don't know if she is just trying to get compliments, it seemed like she was authentically being down on herself. I think there is a lot of self doubt on her mind since OM turned out to not care past the point PA.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
This last week has been pretty back and forth. No contact since waterpark until Friday. It was meet the teacher day for S school. We met up at the school and went in together. I was tired but tried to play it off. W kept asking me what was wrong and if I was okay. Just said I was fine and smiled. I could tell its bothering her how un involved she is with S school planning this year, which she affirmed later in comment. I managed to get through it focused on S needs and not us. She asked afterwards if we could meetup on the weekend to jointly work on some follow up paperwork for school. I was fairly certain I could handle it but said okay if she wanted to. Plans were to meetup Sunday but she called to say she had forgotten but really wanted to meetup still on Monday evening. She wants to come over and spend time tonight with S before he starts school. She has done this one other time since we moved and I don't know that I like it. She gets to pretend for a few hours that she is there for him when in all actuality she only sees him every other weekend and maybe a couple hours during a weekday between those. It also makes me feel like things are moving in the right direction, but they aren't moving anywhere. She has not been seeing anyone else, that I know of, confirmed by her brother. She makes more effort to be around in the last month and spend time with us, but no comment of wanting to R. She does act fondly when around, makes compliments to me from time to time, and reminds me of the way we used to be when dating at some points. I feel like I'm being misdirected.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Just stay true to yourself and your S. I hope you're doing alright overall.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Thanks Barry! Hanging in there...mostly. I need to get back to major GAL activities. Kind of slacking but with the recent travel for work and the back to school prep I've slid out of working on it. Just started a new schedule that should give me time to work out every day again. Have to be up at 5:30 every day for getting S on the bus, don't have to leave for work until near 8:30. Anyhow, W came by last night and enjoyed some dinner with us. She wanted to help make S lunch for school. I had already given him his bath, set out his clothes for the next day, and packed all his school materials. She made it pretty clear it was driving her nuts that she couldn't do more to be involved. She started to talk about his schedule leveling out and wanting to get him to stay with her more. I didn't say anything and she came to the conclusion on her own that it wouldn't work. He has to be home each day to go to school. She talked about the way people perceive her not having S living with her as a mom. She has left him with me for more than 9 months now. I don't see why now is suddenly any different. Now that she has her own place, I'm sure she just sees that its possible. A little late now though to be thinking of that.
We had a pleasant evening. She stuck around until after he went to bed and went over the paperwork for his new teacher with her. She looked really sad when she left. I broke the pursuing rule a little when she left by giving her a hug. Can't really tell how she feels about me these days. She did make some comments earlier in the night about my clothes. I'm wearing some newer things these days and she seems to like them. Says they look good on me, but she also takes a moment to comment that she tried to get me to wear things like that years ago and I wouldn't then. I chose not to chase those comments. I just let them go.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
W messaged tonight wanted to know how S day was back at school. We aranged a quick call at bedtime for her to talk to him. He doesn't really talk back, just jargin still, except for a couple words he repeats back. Anyhow, she talks to him for a minute and then asks about his daily report. Then she goes into her day, telling me about her financial troubles. She didn't get paid on time and hadn't planned funds out with any room so her apartment complex threatened to evict her if she didn't pay immediately with penalty because its her first full month. Anyhow, she borrowed money and got it straigtened out. She also seems to have a nuisance in her new job, someone that doesn't like her very much. She spent several minutes telling me all about it. I still don't understand the back and forth. Some nights she wants to talk to me and others she can't get away fast enough.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
W has our S for the weekend. I think those are the hardest times for me. When S is here I know what I have to do with my time and don't let myself get down because he needs me. I feel so damn sad again tonight. I miss her so much. Still trying to focus on GAL when I can. Starting to work out again regularly. Spent all of Saturday with some old friends having a good time. Probably going to go out to a movie on Sunday if I can ever get some sleep.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
W has our S for the weekend. I think those are the hardest times for me. When S is here I know what I have to do with my time and don't let myself get down because he needs me. I feel so damn sad again tonight. I miss her so much. Still trying to focus on GAL when I can. Starting to work out again regularly. Spent all of Saturday with some old friends having a good time. Probably going to go out to a movie on Sunday if I can ever get some sleep.
I can completely understand your feelings on this .... Just read your thread and kudos to you ... you are a H a W would be a fool to leave, taking care of your S shows character. Sounds to me like you are doing all the right things, DBing to proper way, and you have had some little positives ... sounds like she is doubting and struggling with the reality of what happened, keep doing what you are doing .. fake it till ya make it ya know .. hang in there.
Thanks CG! It's always good to feel like things are moving in the right direction. I guess my biggest doubt these days revolves around how W is taking things. She is a lot more comfortable around me these days but I can't tell if that's her feeling like we are growing closer or if she feels like she can continue on her way and we can just be good friends...
Anyhow, just updating....W had her weekend with S and we met for dinner to swap him back. Dinner was great, we talked most of the time with plenty of laughs. She told me about things at work and asked me some questions about what is going on. I gave brief updates but remembered to not go on about me. Afterwards W brought up that she forgot to bring back S sneakers, which I said wasn't a big deal because he has a few pair. She asked if she could come by Monday night after work to drop them off. Anyhow, she didn't get off until 8 and came over with the shoes. I expected she would just hover over S but she just sat down and talked to me while I picked up and did dishes. She told me about a story someone at work making a bad joke comment about her not being pretty enough to fight over (stupid story), but I felt like she was fishing for a compliment. I just snickered and said it was a stupid comment the guy made and left it at that. When she left, she gave me a hug and said she was sure she would talk to me in the next few days. I already got some texts from her this morning and she asked me if I was having a rough morning.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
W has changed interactions a bit in the last week. She said she thinks its good for S for us to do things as a family so we went to dinner on Sunday. Then she wanted to drop in Monday night and spend an hour with us. She text me yesterday morning to send me some information and asked me about my morning. Then she just text me about an hour ago today to ask about S day yesterday and how my day was going. This is a definite change.
I don't know if its good or bad though. I feel like she is developing the friend zone. I'm a little afraid to just ignore her and wait to see how much she misses me though because this was one of my problem areas before BD. I was quite and didn't take much of an interest in talking about our days or spending time together. Should I be encouraging and nourishing this or just letting her be?
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
If she's reaching out, I would take it as a positive. Give it some time, then respond in a friendly tone and keep it mysterious. Maybe decline an invite here or there saying you have something else planned instead. You have to start as friends in order to progress to the next step, right?
