advice needed - please help

[SunnyB]

My appointment with the L is this week so maybe I'll have a better idea of the finances etc after that, although I do not want to be the one to initiate any legal separation or D, I feel I just need to know where I stand.

I have an appointment with L next week, too. I just want to understand how I might fare financially, as that's a big fear of mine. Let us know how it goes, Stacey, my apt isn't until next week.

[dawgy]

Hi Stace , I made a new female friend who has been through the ringer and she gave me a little piece of advice that helped me feel better . " he who cares the least has the most power " and its very true . If your like me all you want is for him to come back and he knows this so that being said he holds all the pwoer . You need to gain so power and control back and thats where the DBing comes in , the detachment ( caring the least ) then you will gain a measure of control more and more . The more you detach the more the control increases . I know its very difficult to detach , Ive been struggling for months now but it does work .

[stacey9]

Thanks Dawgy, again great advice, I really appreciate it.

He popped round tonight to see S, (after his mysterious long weekend away), and wanted to chat again about the finances and I have to say I handled it really well. I was calm and friendly and answered his questions with ease. He wanted to know what I thought about us both paying off some of the mortgage and I just said I'd think about it. Obviously I will speak to the L tomorrow and find out what my options are in terms of the house. He said he didn't want to sell but couldn't keep paying the repayments every month.

He mentioned a couple of times in the conversation the possibility of me meeting someone else and I think it bothers him that I could have another man living with me while he pays for the house (don't think there's any jealousy there whatsoever, he's just thinking of the money).

Dawgy you are so right, I do need to detach and care less, I hope it gets easier with time.

I asked him if he would be interested in doing a job for me in the house and I would pay him - the job I asked him to do is a big one and he wasn't too keen, but he did have a look at it and advised me what to do for the best. He also mentioned all the things he did round the house before he left, I told him I appreciated all that he'd done and I did see a flicker of emotion on his face for a second.

If anybody would be kind enough to offer any advice I'd be very very grateful.

S x

[stacey9]

Hi, went to see L today who advised me that as H has been the main breadwinner during our M he is legally bound to support me financially for at least 2 years. If after that time he decides he wants to sell the house I may end up better off than him as I am entitled to half his pension etc so would probably end up with a larger lump sum.

Still can't believe it's all happening though.

H came round tonight and came to find me before he left and chatted for a couple of minutes. He said he was thinking about something I'd said last night and was laughing about it. This is a huge change to what he's been like over the last few weeks.

Could it be possible I'm doing something right for a change?

[stacey9]

Hi, just looking for some advice. I am continuing to be friendly with h and he is nice back to me, but he is still with ow. I saw him yesterday in the store, I pretended not to see him, and I don't know if he saw me or not as when I looked up he was gone. I just kept imagining all the things he was putting in his basket to prepare a nice meal for her, then afterwards they will be cuddled up on sofa watching a movie together. Not nice.

I am still trying to be the opposite from what he expects - he defo would have been expecting me to bitch about the ow (she is NOT what I expected), but I haven't said a word. He expects me to be depressed and cold, which I was at the start of sep, I am now being nice and smiley when he's around. I am trying to show him the new me, but all I can think about is him with the ow.

He will try and initiate finance talks again, but I have been advised by my L not to agree to anything and to contact her to draw up an official agreement on how things are going to be paid. I believe this will cause major conflict. He is very money orientated and I don't think he can bear the thought of splitting his pension etc.

I'm trying hard not to lose hope but it's so difficult. Surely the affair bubble will burst soon? Its been going strong for 7 months+. They can't be happy ever after can they?

Please please advise if there is anything I should be doing.
Love S x

[Georgiabelle]

Stacy,

I haven't read your sitch but your post caught my eye. The R with the OW will last as long as it does. I know it's difficult not to go there, but wondering what they do won't accomplish anything. If it's any consolation, according to several mutual acquaintances, OW looks exactly like her dog and she does. And it's not a cute combo. Essentially, I'm saying don't worry about what she is like.

Keep focusing on you. Make yourself the best you can be a live your life.

[stacey9]

Thanks Georgiabelle you are absolutely right.

I am getting on with my life and do sometimes even feel happy then today when I came home from work s18 told me his dad is away for a few days and won't see him till next week. Back to square one wondering where he is.

But he did phone me last night to update me on a hospital appt he went to with s18. I was nice and friendly and thanked him for phoning.

Trying hard to be positive.

[labug]

You're going to grieve for a while, accept that but you can also start GALing. Do things you've always wanted to do that you didn't have time for, dance class, pottery, acting, whatever makes you feel like you.

Let H do his thing. Nothing has really changed, except you now know you're not going immediately to the poorhouse. He'll continue to see OW as long as he does, just as Georgiab says but as far as it being serious, probably not. He may think so but we all get that glimmer when in a new R. If you think you want to remain married to him, grab some popcorn and let it play out.

Take care of yourself. What are 3 things you're doing for yourself?
What are 3 GALs you are going to start next week?

[labug]

About wondering where he is. How does that help you? I know it seems like it helps in some way but it doesn't. Stop that when it starts, it only wears you down. ((( )))

Read my tag line

[stacey9]

Thanks labug great advice. One thing I started a few months ago is running never done it before and I'm really enjoying the new fit me. H would be shocked at this as he knows it was never my thing. I do go out with friends occasionally and I know h is surprised at the way I've kept the garden nice actually quite enjoying that. That's about it really.

I do want my h back I'm hoping for a miracle. I'm trying to be the best of myself and show him how well I can manage without him. I've not shown him my jealous side or asked him any questions about his new life and although I'd love to know everything about him and the ow I know it wouldn't do me any good.
I think I need some more things to keep me busy, I used to read loads but now I find I can't concentrate and my mind wanders.

Thanks so much for your words of wisdom x