I see the spoon he scooped his guacamole and salsa with sitting in the sink. No big deal, it's just a spoon but aren't we separated?!?!
[quote]
SS06, this is frustrating for sure, but I know my H will be just like that. I once worked with a guy, "J", who would stir his coffee every day with a plastic spoon and then put the spoon into the sink in the staff lounge. I watched him do this every day for a couple weeks, and then finally said, "J, just whom do you think is going to clean up your spoon for you? Throw it away for heaven's sake!" He stared at me in shock. It had never occurred to him to clean up after himself.
It sounds like cake eating to me. Boundaries Boundaries Boundaries. We all forget to set them, but they are very important.
Me: 35 Her: 33 D : 16 S : 9 Together: 14 years Married: 12 She left 4/14/2014 Separated: 5/25/2014 OM Confirmed 7/2014 She filed 8/7/2014 I Filed 10/21/2014 Divorce final 2/12/2015
It sounds like cake eating to me. Boundaries Boundaries Boundaries. We all forget to set them, but they are very important.
Me: 35 Her: 33 D : 16 S : 9 Together: 14 years Married: 12 She left 4/14/2014 Separated: 5/25/2014 OM Confirmed 7/2014 She filed 8/7/2014 I Filed 10/21/2014 Divorce final 2/12/2015
SS, I don't know WHAT it is. My H stored his TV box in our basement, left all his fall clothes and several shoes, diplomas hung on the walls of his home office, and lets himself in to borrow the drill and use my Command adhesives when he feels the need. He left some of his toiletries on the bathroom counter, too!
He also asked me to take delivery of the sofa he bought for the apartment. (!!) I told him THEN that if we were going to be separated then we had to be separate. That was just too big a request to accommodate. I did help assemble the stupid thing because I really needed him to take the kids the following weekend and I was afraid he wouldn't if he didn't have the apartment set up. That actually ended up being a productive activity.
My MC/IC was astounded that he does't have space set up for the kids (the boys sleep in his bed when they stay, my D on a futon in his home office, and he sleeps on the couch), nor does he have ANY toys at his house for them except the Skylanders that go to the xBox. (D doesn't play with those). IC thinks he hasn't got his head around this being a permanent situation. I'm just letting it go. It's not like I want it to be more permanent.
It may or may not be cake-eating, but I think whether or not it is depends on you and how you respond to it. If you're just letting it wash over you and not being emotionally invested in what he's doing then maybe it isn't, and if it gets your hopes up and keeps you from detaching then maybe it should stop.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
It may or may not be cake-eating, but I think whether or not it is depends on you and how you respond to it. If you're just letting it wash over you and not being emotionally invested in what he's doing then maybe it isn't, and if it gets your hopes up and keeps you from detaching then maybe it should stop.
I agree with this completely. I would always use those types of situations as opportunities to show H my changes ... and that my life was moving on, too. However, I *did* set boundaries on him just dropping by every day if the purpose of him stopping by was hurting our kids and/or me. (For instance, after a couple weeks of him stopping by daily at lunch to move more things out, I told him it was important that he wrapped that up ... and preferably either when the kids and I weren't home, or when he'd given me notice so that the kids and I could leave the house.)
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I am so glad I read your responses early this morning because as d and I were getting into the car to take her to camp, h showed up "to get his sunglasses". I decided to stay detached (that's hard when you see each other all the time) and was cheerful, friendly AND, taking your suggestion jacket, thanked him for the orange juice and his thoughtfulness. He seemed appreciative of my gratitude.
Originally Posted By: Jacket
I'm wondering, if you try to set firm boundaries over this will he maybe feel controlled or emasculated? Was that one of the things he complained about before? As long as what he's doing isn't upsetting you or making you uncomfortable or somewhat untrue to yourself, then maybe it's ok to just see where things go. He's being confusing, sure, I totally give you that! Not sure what his love language is but if he likes words of affirmation, you could make a big deal about how thoughtful it was he noticed you're out of OJ and brought some over.
You're right!! I DO NOT want to emasculate him or make him feel unwanted or unloved. I'm finding that shutting up is my best method of not emasculating him. I'm trying to give him the chance to grow into his manliness. What man doesn't want to feel like a hero? So, I am trying to find his hero moments and chose to see his bringing us oj as a hero moment. What a truly kind gesture.
The rest of the stuff is awkward but not painful, I don't think. Time will tell.
I can tell he is struggling. He didn't look good this morning, like he didn't sleep. I don't want to pursue and I don't really want to be his personal therapist where he vents how hard all this is on him. What is my role here? Any thoughts on that?
Thank you ladies for chiming in with your stories about your Hs and their moving out techniques. It made me smile no came just in time for me to rethink my actions.
Big Mac, it IS cake eating but given the belittling and condescension and emasculating I dished out in our marriage, I need to tread carefully with boundaries. I won't let him walk all over me but tortilla chips and spoons certainly isn't allowing him to walk all over me.
The S is really hitting the fan. D got in trouble at school today. She told a little boy she wanted to kill her mom, kill her dad and because he had freckles, him, too. She was sent to the office. The principal talked with her and d said she's upset because her dad is living in an apartment and her parents are trying to work it out but what if they don't.
I brought her home and we drew pictures if our feelings. She drew a picture of herself crying and angry. She wrote "worry, mad, sad" on the pic. I drew a picture of a her as a baby with a force field around her protecting her from a bad thunder storm. It said "protect". She then drew a picture of me as a baby with her protecting me and a picture of h as a baby with her protecting him. We talked "girl to girl". She said she just wanted a normal life.
It was so hard to have this chat with her. She asked why h and I couldn't just work it out. How she just wants us all together. How angry she is.
We talked about ways to get the anger out. She went outside and threw big rocks into the grass for about 20 minutes. She kept saying that she lived our house and wanted our family all back in it.
I let h know but it's hard not to hate him a little right now. I'm dealing with this with our daughter while he's off at the Hollywood a Bowl enjoying wine and dinner and an awesome concert. I guess it's the universe telling me I'm the one more equipped right now to handle her anger BUT he created this mess.
I just want to call him and say, "ok, I get that you're upset, I won't be that person anymore. We can do this and make this work!! Come home, stop all this!!" But it doesn't work like that.
It is hard to not hate the WAS at times. I found early on that it was easier, short-term, but it made everything worse and didn't actually stop me from loving her. So I guess my advice is just: stay strong, be awesome.
Good luck.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Ss, what a wonderful strategy for helping her develop skills and resilience. You are modeling for her with your own strength, resilience and capacity for change.
