lost and desperate

[Elsa]

Aw, Ss06. I'm so sorry it's come to this. The day we told our D was the hardest day in this whole process so far. I'm wishing you peace and strength today.

Try to not to be so down on yourself. I know you're trying to accept responsibility for your own issues (and that's great!), but I find it hard to believe that your H is entirely blameless. My H and I have a little bit of the same dynamic -- he holds onto to past hurts forever, whereas I'm a "forgive and forget" type of person. Moreover, I'm quick to apologize and accept blame, while he is more stubborn and will generally feel justified in his behavior, even if he apologizes for the hurt feelings. The result is that, as a couple, we tend to remember many times where I hurt him, but fewer times where he hurt me. But it's a biased perspective. You're not solely to blame, and even if you were, I don't know that it would help to act that way around your H.

Here are the good things that I see --

1. He's not asking for a D. Don't worry about the reasons why. He may say that he is done, but he is leaving the door open, at least a little bit.

2. He has noticed the changes you've made over the past 5 weeks. That's awesome! Don't worry if he doesn't believe them yet. What's that saying that someone else here always posts? Change + sufficient time = change he can believe in. So true!

3. He reached out and apologized after your argument. He acknowledges that he needs to work on himself. He acknowledges that he may miss you. Watch for these little signs and adjust your behavior accordingly. It's what I'm doing with my H, who said similar things when he left.

[LisaB]

Hi Ss, I am with Elsa, don't give up hope!

I feel for you, and I admire that you are trying to make changes and be a better person and wife. The consistency is the thing, so just keep going.

Also you know what the vets always say on here, don't believe anything you hear. He hasn't filed for D and whatever reasons he is giving don't matter so much. Just keep on moving forward, focus on yourself, keep those changes going.

Your best friend right now is time and space. Give him as much space as you can. Just let him be alone to process his feelings and how it is to be away from you and your d. The more space and time you give him, the better. Continue to work on yourself and try to be positive and strong when you see or speak to him, which I am sure you will because of your d.

By the way, it sounds to be like you handled his venting really well. You should pat yourself on the back for that one! Good job!

Good luck and come back here to let us know how it goes today. We are here for you!
Hugs, Lisa

[Ss06]

Elsa and Lisa, I needed to hear your supportive and kind words so badly today. Thank you!! I see others (including you two) making solid strides and can't wait to encourage and celebrate their successes but I have trouble seeing my own. Thanks for pointing them out to me because I really struggle to see them.

I'm so grateful for the help I've received and hope to continue to receive through this process. It's a strange comfort to know others are in a similar situations as I am, even though I wish none of us were here.

I am working on attracting what I want and need right now and asking the universe to care for me during this time. It's crazy the things I'm seeing, hearing and paying attention to now that I'm officially on the "separated" path.

Went to yoga today and out of no where our typically quiet teacher read a quote, "pain is inevitable, suffering is optional". I really needed to hear that. Then I was running errands and knocked over a book at a store, it fell open to a chapter on loss and that same quote was at the very top. It also advised to get rest, take care of myself and to grieve but to relish in my new chapter that I alone get to write. It spoke of becoming the person you've always wanted to be and how there is always pain during that process. I just felt it was the universe looking out for me. As hard as all of this is and all the pain I feel just by inhaling sometimes, I have a choice not to suffer.

We told d today and she took it better than expected. She was upset but no tears. She was interested that daddy now has a different place to live and asked about divorce. I took 25's advice and told her all the things that would stay the same... Which is almost everything. She expressed that she was angry and stood tapping her foot with her arms crossed saying we should work this stuff out because she wants us together. Today in her bath she made a "potion". A love potion so h and I would get back together. It broke my heart a little but hey, maybe it'll work.

And so it begins. Officially separated.

[Jacket]

Hi Ss06,

I'm new to the boards, but I just wanted to say I totally empathize with the whole "you should have made these changes a year ago" and with H being done now and not believing that you want him. I've been experiencing something so similar and just separated from my H about a month ago. Not gonna lie, the separation is so difficult, and I wish I had words of advice, but I just wanted to say, I feel ya.

Jacket

[Ss06]

I'm sorry, jacket. The "too little too late" sentiment is a hard one to hear. Hang in there.m I'll check out your sitch. Thanks for stopping by.

I hate how up and down I am from day to day. Today I am feeling down and mildly hopeless but I didn't sleep well and sleep has a big impact on a person's outlook.

Inside I feel solid, like my changes are really bolstering me up and I'm seeing glimmers of the real me. It feels good. Then I remember my situation and things feel gray and dark again. And his lack of hope and believe has me questioning my hope and belief in myself.

I've applied for so many jobs but there's one I really want. The application period ended last Friday and they said to expect to hear around 2-3 weeks after that if I got an interview. I'm trying to attract this job through the universe. I need it and want it.

[Ss06]

Ok, I was just thinking about a convo h and I had the other night and I was talking about my own realizations about myself, changes I'm making for me, how good it feels to get to know myself, etc. He said something about (gah, I wish I could remember his words) how I'd expect him to make efforts and changes before I fully changed and I was taken back by that.

A year ago when he wanted to leave I got him to stay by promising changes BUT they were conditional on his changes. He agreed but once I noticed he stopped caring I stopped trying so hard. My behavior was reactive to his and I always said "I do this because you..."

I know better now that his behavior is not a dictator of my behavior. I can choose every second of every day how I'm going to react to his behavior. I control me. No one else.

Since we are officially separated, I want to write down a few plans /180s just to commemorate them as part of my path. I'd love anyone's feedback.

1. Continue to be kind and open with him but no more R talks for a while. We're in a pattern of him venting and rewriting our history to me and I defend our history. Not good. I want to gently change the subject or JUST LISTEN.

2. Make my GAL a little more apparent to him somehow. Not sure how.

3. Be more mysterious. How?

4. Have a PMA more. I need to do stuff with friends!!

[Elsa]

Ss06, I'm just now seeing your update. Our Ds sound so much alike! My D cried initially (wailed, actually) but rebounded quickly. She was also excited about H's new place (which hurt me, but was good for her) and asked about divorce almost immediately (as well as a bunch of other questions that I hadn't -- but should have, knowing her! -- anticipated). I hope she continues to feel safe and loved.

I love that the universe is sending you signs -- keep listening! Good luck with your job search!

[Ss06]

If tonight is any indication of what this separation will be like, then it's going to be very odd and I need your help, here because this sounds a little like cake eating to me.

H texted me earlier today to say he was planning on coming by to work (his studio is in the garage but has a separate entrance) and charge his car (it's electric and needs a 220 plug which is in the garage.

This was no prob for me. I figured I'd feed d after karate, we'd play a game pout her to bed. He'd just do his thing. Wrong.

He came in, had a grocery bag and said, "I brought orange juice because I noticed you were out. Oh and I got guacamole and salsa because I haven't eaten. Do you mind if I dig into your tortilla chips?"

He got himself a bowl, made himself a salsa, guacamole bowl with cheese from the fridge and dug in while d and I were playing Jenga. Ooookay. I put d to bed and he's in the studio doing his thing. I start to make myself dinner, tidy up a bit and I see the spoon he scooped his guacamole and salsa with sitting in the sink. No big deal, it's just a spoon but aren't we separated?!?!

He just came inside and asked me about D's day, if anything came up with her knowing about the separation and was she ok. I told him nothing has changed for her yet. It's been one day!

I think he fails to realize that she's used to him not being home. He certainly was not home for meals let alone for her bedtime most nights. He seems confused that she and I are not crumbling because of his absence.

THEN, he wanted to talk about his plans for having d over at his apartment and would take her to karate and that he got a bed set up for her. Then he said, just tell me if you don't want to talk about this. It was all stuff we'd already discussed yesterday, nothing new, so I said I just wanted to eat and fold the laundry right now. He immediately got up and said, ok, I'll text you then.

He went to the studio.

What the heck is going on?

Is this cake eating? Do I need to set boundaries or just let it play out?

If you're separated, do you just walk in, bring on and ask to eat tortilla chips? I'm confused!

[LisaB]

haha Ss06, I don't really have good advice for you except I have experienced similar things with my H. When he moved out he didn't clean up or put away his stuff, he just left his dirty clothes on the floor next to the bed like he would come back later to pick them up. I was flabbergasted that he expected me to pick up after him when he just dumped me?

I think the fact that your H came over is because he is not ready to dive into his new life yet. He wants to know you are still there and feel that comfort of home.

I don't have any advice but wish you good luck and strength!
Hugs, Lisa B

[Jacket]

Your H's confusing behaviors remind me of my H's. I'm no expert, but I'd say let things play out. I'm wondering, if you try to set firm boundaries over this will he maybe feel controlled or emasculated? Was that one of the things he complained about before? As long as what he's doing isn't upsetting you or making you uncomfortable or somewhat untrue to yourself, then maybe it's ok to just see where things go. He's being confusing, sure, I totally give you that! Not sure what his love language is but if he likes words of affirmation, you could make a big deal about how thoughtful it was he noticed you're out of OJ and brought some over.

Good for you for handling the confusing situation so well! Good luck with day 2!