barely holding on - 2

[SunnyB]

A few months ago I will give everything for my W to come back, today I see many woman in this forum fighting for their marriage and that shows me that there is still a lot of people who believe in marriage so one day I will share my life with a person who her goal is to spend her life with me, I will not have to beg her to be by my side and keep up with a bunch of insecurities, all of us we have insecurities but we work on them with time, and with a friend and lover compasion.
Partners who keep

Ye this is a nice thought. I met H when I was 22 and now I'm approaching 50 so I've been with him longer than I wasn't. It's hard to believe that I could have a real relationship after H. But you are right, there could be someone great out there.

[MrBond]

To be fair ye21, you said your W left because you never supported her in wanting to be and actress and you lied to her in the past. You're not going to find someone who is just going to follow you and do what YOU want to do all the time. It takes two. And you didn't figure it out until she was leaving.

[ye21]

Yes MrBond, thats what I wanted to believe when she left, that I didn't supported her, in fact I dont believe that anymore, specially after been treated for emotional abusse for the last 6 months, getting divorce its an option, blaming your partner for your unhapiness its completelly a different path that I dont believe in today.

[MrBond]

"Yes MrBond, thats what I wanted to believe when she left, that I didn't supported her, in fact I dont believe that anymore, "

Actually from what I saw, you convinced yourself of this as time went by. I noticed you were taking less and less responsibility for your own actions and making it all her fault. We're not talking about your W's unhappiness. It was her need for your support. Two different things. I don't think you ever understood that.

Sorry to hijack the thread u-turn.

[ye21]

Well I am divorced and surelly I already deal with enough issues however this is an important text for you RPPFL because again I think up to today the most important person is you, you came here asking for help and here you have something that I hope will help you:

When you're not the one who is divorced, it's easy to say, "just pick up and move on." But sometimes the emotions you go through when a divorce is settled can be overwhelming. One feeling that unexpectedly can creep up on you is guilt. Dealing with guilt after a divorce is an important step so that you can finally get around to the "moving on" part.

But until you deal with the guilt, that's just baggage you're going to be carrying around with you throughout your life, whether alone or in other relationships. All that baggage can really start to weigh you down. This visualization can help you lose it.

Why feel Guilty?

There was a time when you were in love with someone enough to swear a sacred oath to be together for better or for worse, till death do you part. When a marriage goes downhill and finally ends, guilt can well up because you feel like you've dropped the ball somewhere along the line. You may feel bad about things you did, or things you said.

Dealing with guilt after a divorce is an important step so that you can finally get around to the "moving on" part.

You might feel bad about the things you didn't do or didn't say. You might be beating yourself up over how you handled the situation-- should you have tried harder? Could you have been more understanding? The kind of thoughts that can enter your head in a time of distress are seemingly endless.

Be Realistic

You can't berate yourself over "maybes" and "should haves" so get those out of your head; maybe you did everything right, maybe you did what you should have done given the circumstances, and it still was not enough. Don't get stuck on "what might have been"; you have to accept what "is". Marriage is hard and sometimes it just doesn't work out through no fault of anyone in particular.

If you feel you have to apologize or make amends for something you did do that was out of line, place a phone call or write a heartfelt letter. Realize, then, it's in your past and out of your hands. Seek forgiveness, if not of your ex-spouse, then of yourself.

Bury the Guilt

One great exercise for getting rid of the guilt is to meditate and visualize yourself 'burying' it somewhere. Creative visualization can be a way to change your attitude and your feelings on an issue, and can help you release such feelings and become more positive.

Just close your eyes and relax; envision yourself somewhere packing a bag. It can be a suitcase, or a grocery bag-- whatever you like. Pack it up and imagine what your guilt would look like-- heavy, dark blankets? Ropes and chains? Black tufts of cloud? In your visualization, pack it up.

Close the bags and seal them shut, then go for a walk down a road-- a road to your new life. It may start desolate and barren. Look around, and you'll come to a deep, deep hole in the ground. Envision yourself throwing those bags of guilt right in there. Notice how free you feel without them, how light and happy. Pick up a shovel and begin scooping dirt on them to bury them for good-- and with each shovel full of dirt, imagine yourself feeling lighter and better. Imagine the sun getting brighter and the air getting fresher.

When you're ready, envision yourself walking down the road-- which gets more scenic and picturesque by the moment. Your new life lies on the horizon ahead, and you feel better and better as you draw closer to it.

Do this as often as you need to—once per day if you like—and you’ll find those feelings of guilt beginning to transform into optimism for the future.

[u-turn]

"

Sorry to hijack the thread u-turn.

Please continue - I learn a lot from others interactions and stories
I have a lot to learn.

[u-turn]

In the last 25 years of our relationship I haven't thought about our relationship as much as I have thought about it in the last 6 months. (if that makes any sense). I read others stories (successes and heading toward successes) and see what I am up against and what my goals really need to be and what mistakes to try to avoid.

I still have my eye on my goals but have realized that "I" need to be the focus of my goals.

This has nothing to do with what has been said on this thread recently, but just spouting off.

[MrBond]

"Bury the Guilt"

This is the worst bit of advice I've seen on here for a long time. You don't "bury" guilt. You learn from it. You understand your role, you take responsibility for it and you become a better person. You don't let the guilt define you, but there's always enough fault to go around.

ye21 never did understand the impact that his lying and non-support of his W did to the relationship. He changed from accepting responsibility for his part to it being his W's fault for not sticking with him. But if you don't change, why would the other person want to still be with you if the problems that drove you apart are still there?

You can't control how another person CHOOSES to live, but they have a right to live the way they want to same as you or I. The only person you can change is yourself.

[dawgy]

U-turn bro , i can see you are starting to question the DB way . Dont do it . I did the same thing . When I didnt feelthat DBing was giving me the results i Wanted then i started to question it . Howerver , Mlp is right ( I agree with alot she has to say )this is a time issue . Keep up with your DBing it does work for you especially > Its really starting to work for me after a couple months .

Having said that I like Sandi s list but i have tweaked it a little for my own sitch . I also believe that you should tweak the whole DB strategy to fit your own personal sitch . The hand holding , if she wants it ,give it to her , say goodnight to her just nothing more . These things in my opinion are not against DB practices but rather in sync with DB . They are showing her you care and still love her and are open to making things work

i think your doing a great job. But look after yourself too bro because shes not going to . Not right now anyway . Also dont think I have written off my Marriage because ive been talking and spending time with other women , it has actually been theraputic for me and i haven t cheated

[Eatsma]

U-turn - I give you Chapter 36 of the Tao de Ching:

If one wishes to shrink it
One must first expand it
If one wishes to weaken it
One must first strengthen it
If one wishes to discard it
One must first promote it
If one wishes to seize it
One must first give it
This is called subtle clarity

The soft and weak overcomes the tough and strong
Fish cannot leave the depths
The sharp instruments of the state
Cannot be shown to the people

So much of this doesn't make sense. Like you - I didn't give much thought to my relationship in the first 21 years. Then the bottom fell out and I had to look at what I had. (The answer is: a mess. Who knew?)

I think the thing about DB is DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY.

My H is in MLC - I feel very strongly about this. Part of his problem is with validation. Never in my life have I heard someone say so loudly and clearly, "PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME AND SHOW ME THAT YOU LOVE ME!!!" And part of me wants to tell that childish part of him, "DUDE, if you want attention, then you have to play nicely in the sandbox!" But...oddly....since I haven't really been that great at validating him WITH WORDS in the past, that's what I've been called to do. Step up to the plate, and tell the man that he is awesome when he is awesome. Sit on the couch with him and watch soccer with him. Spend time with him when he's home rather than ignoring him. So - it's not DB to a tee, for sure....because it definitely feels like pursuit. But he's shifting to me and I see a big difference in his behavior. Whatever it is, it's working, I think. The whole thing takes time and work and is strange. In the meantime, I am still setting boundaries. I noticed last night that I stopped him from having a conversation (he wanted to talk about boobs. Seriously. He's like 15 years old.) that I didn't want to have. He got sullen and quiet, but I saved my sanity. Boundaries are good.

If you didn't used to hold your wife's hand and she likes it, then do it.

Helpful?