Finding my way - part 4

[Maybell]

Meghan, I'm so happy to hear from you! You sound great.

It's an adjustment to be sure, but it gets easier (though you sound pretty good). I realized two days ago that I can listen to my favorite station on Pandora without bursting into tears. It made me feel more comfortable in my own skin.

I'm raising a virtual glass to you, happy housewarming!

[Meghan]

Thanks, Maybell - I'm trying to keep in mind that it's been less than a week since he left and that this is going to be a process. I think the grieving's important, and I don't really have a problem with the sad moments and the feelings of loss, particularly when I remember the good stuff that we had together.

It's more the other stuff that I could do without. I'm not in contact, but some of the hardest times are when I get obsessed with where he is, what he's doing, and who he's doing it with.

I suspect this happens because I can tell based on his IM accounts whether he's at his computer or not. And if he's not at his computer, I start to wonder. He was almost always on his computer when he was here because he almost never went out. And so now I want to know where, what, and who.

But I think it goes deeper than that (I seem to be on a roll here - revelation time, perhaps?) One of the issues in our relationship was that I think I felt like I wasn't worth doing some things for - getting up earlier, taking a job, going out to gatherings or events with, stuff like that. So seeing that he's out doing something (not that I know what), and that he can do those things and just chose not to with me, is really hard to take right now.

And, on top of that, this ties into my fears that someone else will get what I've been referring to as Husband 2.0 - the improved version of H. that I still want. The idea that someone else - online friend, perhaps - could wind up with all of the good stuff that I now miss plus all of the things that I wanted to change is both maddening and heartbreaking. And those are the moments that it's hardest to deal with right now.

[Maybell]

I don't know who will get Husband 2.0, but I can guarantee you it won't be the 18 yo online friend.

Stay well and keep in touch.

[vossy]

I suspect this happens because I can tell based on his IM accounts whether he's at his computer or not. And if he's not at his computer, I start to wonder. He was almost always on his computer when he was here because he almost never went out. And so now I want to know where, what, and who.

Hi Meghan. After I read this particular paragraph I thought I'd let you know about a little trick I have figured out for myself based on my own mindreading issues.

Whenever I let myself mindread, it's inevitably negative. E.G. Maybe he's joined Facebook to meet women, etc.

So, now, I force myself to offer a "flipped" version of the mindread as well. E.G. Maybe he's joined Facebook to see what I am up to.

Once I have both versions, I force myself to stop thinking about it.

It might not work for everyone, but it's been working wonders for me.

[LisaB]

Oh Vossy I like your flipped version of mindreading. I am going to try that too!

[Meghan]

Thanks, vossy - I'm going to try the flipped mindreading, too. It's hard at this point - all I see are the negative reasons, and lots of them - but I'd really like to feel better about this.

I saw him come online this morning at 8:20. The only time he's been up at 8:20 in the last few years is for appointments. Most good days he wasn't up until noon. On bad ones, it was more like 4 in the afternoon.

I wonder what he's doing now and why he's up. But more than that, I wonder why for all those years I wasn't worth getting up for. Because clearly he CAN get up. He just wouldn't do it for me.

My mind thinks: he's up early because he's got a job, which means that we'll never be together again. Or, he has an job interview, also so he can stay away from me and cover his own expenses. Or, he's up early so he can talk to his online friend, or perhaps go meet her.

But maybe he's up because he's having trouble sleeping after leaving. Or because his stomach's acting up again. Or because his sleep is interrupted. Or, to spend time with family. Or, because he doesn't want his family to see how late his usually sleeps, possibly because that would disrupt his narrative of why we were having problems and highlight some of his issues rather than mine.

I wish I had more reasons that I could believe that focus on him being upset with his decision, but I just don't. Looks like today's going to be an emotional day.

[Maybell]

The list you came up with is pretty good.

How did you sleep last night?

[Meghan]

I slept fine, but woke a bit earlier than I'd like, which is pretty much par for the course these days. I am sleeping better than I have in awhile, though, which is nice.

I've got some things I need to start thinking through today about how to proceed going forward, but it's also bringing up some questions about where this is going. How we left things and the thought that he's getting a job and an apartment in another city and another country, and a city that the online friend may soon be in as well, has left me with not a lot of hope for reconciling, which is probably where these emotional few days have come from. I'll write some more about that later, though.

[Maybell]

I really, really think you need to minimize the importance of the online friend. Whatever else she may be, she's not real to him. She's a construct. For all he knows she's a 45 yo tobacco chewing guy sitting in his tighty-whities pretending to be a hot 18 yo chick that really gets him.

Don't know if you'll reconcile or not. But either way you deserve to be happy.

If I had realized he wasn't getting out of bed before 3 or 4 in the afternoon I would have asked you a few different questions. If that's how he spent his time how could he possibly have experienced enough of married life to even have any complaints?

[Georgiabelle]

Meghan,

I just caught up on your sitch. I know it is difficult, however, worrying about why you h is online, isn't online, isn't a worthwhile endeavor. And really- you can't control what he does or thinks. It's wasted energy that could be spent elsewhere. You will get there in time:-)

I saw your comment about the next person getting the improved h 2.0. That really resonated with me because I think many of us here secretly *fear* that. A wise vet posted on my thread that marriage and kids are not for the weak. My suffers from clinical depression, severe anxiety and is going through an obvious midlife crisis. I loved him-not the man he is now. I neglected my m and I readily admit that. However, I'm going to be blatantly honest. His college girlfriend is getting a man who walked out on his wife who supported him for 13 years and 3 kids, with 2 marriages under his belt, severe depression and anxiety, who lies about still being married with an inability and lack of desire in addressing his many issues, who has a tenuous R with his kids at best, and who has said he can't stand his oldest son because he reminds of himself. I do apologize for the hijack and wanted to give perspective. I do have compassion for his mental illness however I must protect myself and my kids. My point is, in order for someone to get the new improved version of your h, he would have to be improved. Does running from your issues improve someone?Doesn't sound like he's there.

Hang in there! You are doing better than you know:-)