Dreading the holidays.....

[2BHappy]

Hello Vows,,

I have not read your whole story, but my 2cents is I would go to visit your H, just a quick visit while he is in hospital.

You would probably check in on a sick friend, so just visit your sick friend (H) in the hospital.

[job]

Vows,
I'm sorry to read that your h is still on his self destructive path. I do hope that this last visit to the hospital will be a wake up call for him. He evidently thinks that he's a teenager w/super human skills and doesn't need to monitor his sugar level. I sincerely hope that he listened to the doctor and comes to his senses. This is nothing to play with.

I'm sure you are stressed to the max, but you have no control over him and what he does these days. Yes, I agree, something has to change, but he's the only one that can make the necessary changes in his life.

How were things between the two of you before this latest trip to the hospital? Does he have a phone in his room? If so, you might want to call first to see how he is doing and if he needs anything. If he sounds like he's happy to hear form you, then you might consider a very short visit. I would hate to see you go there w/good intentions and he throw a fit and treat you poorly.

Vows, your intentions are good, but some of them do not want us to be around them when they are ill or in the hospital. They only want their "family/close friends" there. Yes, this hurts and yes, you are his spouse, but in the mind of a crisis person, we are no longer a part of that "family".

Just my two cents.

[Lifes Twists]

Vows,

I agree with job. My wife has been in the hospital several times while this has gone on. I did the visit thing, not appreciated. I sent things I knew she needed, not appreciated. I picked up things she needed form her apartment, not appreciated. Right now they don't really see you as a person trying to help, but as a problem they want to go away. They may even see anything you do as persuing. The advice that we all get here to leave them alone on their own path is the right one. You can't save them from their own personal wreckage. They need to do it them selves. Ask yourself what a neighbor would do. In most cases nothing unless they were really close.

[beatrice]

Job and Lifes Twists are both right, BUT the fact that we didn't visit is also used against us in the future 'You didn't even visit me . . . .' Basically, like teenagers, they are experts at creating no win situations in which they are the victim.

[vows4ever]

Hi Job! Thanks so much for talking me down from the ledge! I was having a panic attack and of course second guessing myself this morning. I had originally planned to stay away but then I began over-thinking as I always do and was afraid if I didn't stop by he would take that as I don't care enough to check in on him. I know....stop trying to make sense of the nonsense!

We haven't had much contact at all over the last month or two. So I really have no idea what his state of mind was like. I've just given him his space and stayed dark.

On a positive note, he was released from the hospital this afternoon. He goes back on Friday for his out-patient surgery on his shoulder. I do think this episode opened his eyes this time - at least I sure hope so. The doctor told him and his family that if an episode like this happens again, his body could not survive it.

Thanks so much for checking in on me and pulling me back on the right path!!!

[vows4ever]

Hi LT! Thanks so much for stopping by. And you are so right...we can't save them from their own wreckage but OMG it is so hard to stand by and watch the fall-out! But in the end, I know everyone is right, but it sure doesn't make it any easier to watch the train wreck that was once a vibrant, loving husband as he self-destructs.

And I didn't even think how it may look like pursuing to him, but you make a very good point there. Thanks so much for recognizing that!

[vows4ever]

Hi Bea! That is an excellent point - they are like teenagers creating no win situations where they are the victims. And I guess since he is living with his mother who is now coddling him and defending his self-destructive behaviors, he gets a free pass to act like a reckless teenager again.

I just hope that this doesn't prevent him from working his way through this tunnel.

[vows4ever]

Hi Everyone, it's been a while since my last post, but not much has really changed in the last month.

Today is H's birthday. I am struggling with whether I should send a text wishing him a happy birthday or just stay dark.

Most days I'm doing OK and feel strong and independent but little things creep up on me and set me back a step or two. Just the other day, I asked him to pick up some of the special dog treats I give our dog if he was going to be near the pet store, if not I would make the trip to get them. He did pick them up and then left them on his brother's front porch (B-I-L lives next door to me) instead of bringing them to the house because I was home... and then sent me a text to tell me where he left them. REALLY??? Who does that??? I don't know why, but that really upset me for some reason. I had a little melt down. Why is he avoiding me like a school age boy hides from girls??

Knowing the holidays are coming up again is not helping this situation. Not to mention that our wedding anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks.

I thought I was doing so well, but now I feel like I'm struggling again.

Some days I feel like I can and will stand for our M however long it takes. Then there are days that I fear that he will never come out of this. He AVOIDS everything that pertains to me, our M, our home. He says he wants a D, but then can't/won't meet with me face to face to discuss what we each want or anything.

AVOIDANCE, AVOIDANCE, AVOIDANCE!!!! That's the name of the game around here and it's wearing me down...

Back to my original question.... should I send him a text wishing him a HB, or should I just pretend it's just another day?

I really hate this...I really do.

Any suggestions, comments or advice would be hugely appreciated.

Thanks for stopping by and letting me rant a bit today!

[job]

Your h sounds like my xh who would drive 40 miles one way to put an addressed letter in my mailbox, minus the stamp. Yes, I was home too when he did this. It's avoidance because they can't be around us, they don't want to hear our voices and/or be reminded of their guilt for what they are doing. It use to upset me until I realized what was going on and then it didn't bother me any longer.

I know that what he did about the dog treats hurt, but try to not take it personally and realize that while acting out as a teenager, he's going to avoid you "mom" as long as possible. He knows that what he's doing is very wrong and he just can't face you right now.

How do you feel about sending him a simple note? If you would normally send birthday greetings to people, then by all means send him a very simple text something like this, "Happy Birthday, have a great day" and nothing more. If you do send it, be prepared for him not to respond back. You'll need to keep your expectations at zero because he's still acting out. Even though he won't admit it, he will be disappointed if you don't recognize it's his birthday, i.e., just like a kid. Don't ever think that they forget those special dates of ours, especially anniversaries. Any and all missives are kept to look at again and again by him.

[LoisB]

Vow,

My H's b'day was on Monday. I chose to send a short Happy B'day text because it hurt when I didn't receive one. I didn't get a response.

I thought I was prepared when I sent it...just putting some good wishes out there and letting him know I remembered. However, it still hurt when I didn't receive a reply and I caught myself checking my phone...something I haven't done in months.

Put your heart first. If you think it will make you crazier when he doesn't acknowledge the kindness, then let it go. Try to keep perspective on who he is right now...the guy who left the dog treats at the neighbors!

Our H's sound similar in their avoidance. Mine has simply gone MIA. Try to look at him as he is today.