I am realizing just how much I hate being alone all the time!
This tells me that you are not quite comfortable in your own skin. I've been alone for 10 years today (today is the day Ms. Wonka moved out with the OW) and I've been doing just fine thanks to GAL. Yep, it was tough in the beginning. Now? I relish being able to hog the bed sheets all by myself and vaccum the house naked! wink Yeah...just threw that one in for the shock value
This is one of the great lessons that MLC has to teach us. Being on your own is tough especially for extroverts, and yes Wonka is right, tough in the beginning, but now? I like it.
I am sad that for so many it is considered second best. That dealing with MLC is seen by some as 'training' for the next relationship. What if that isn't what life has in store?
Matt, I see you looking for comfort from the person who gave you this gaping wound. After a lion attack, I'm thinking you and the lion wouldn't hug it out.
I was stuck there for a very long time...reached out almost daily for nearly two years trying to find comfort from Smokey. It's a bad place to be.
Comfort yourself. You can do this!
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Wow, Heather... I hadn't really thought about it like that. I think I was probably doing the same. You hit the nail on the head and put it into perspective. Yikes!
Guys, I think I haven't been clear...I did speak with my L and unless my d14 says that she wants to live with me as her primary household, my options are very limited. I have already spoken to my D about the fact that her mom has filed. I said pretty much exactly what was suggested. I'm not spinning about the text. I just mentioned it because I did it without even thinking. Got to be more aware before doing anything that involves my W.
My lawyer is the one pushing me to talk with my d14. Because my W just went ahead and filed what she wants as the final, I must file my response and at this point D's custody is the biggest sticking point. I spoke to my D and I was very clear that I want her to have access to both of us and would NEVER stop her from seeing her mom. As far as the school thing, she knows that she can't go and has resigned herself to the fact that she will be going to the school near her mom. She has even registered for classes and I have been talking it up, trying my best to get her excited about it. I have not once "bad mouthed" or blamed my W for any of this. When she asks I tell her that her mom felt that she needed to leave the M and she will need to ask her why. (The reason that she has given my D14 so far is just that it "wasn't happy here" meaning in our home, of course it doesn't explain why she felt the need to get D, just why she left.)
By just asking where she wants the primary household to be isn't really giving her the info she needs. She probably feels bad that she would need to choose between either of us and I don't blame her. If I had my way, I would be fine with splitting custody 50/50 if my W would be reasonable about NOT going into so much detail about where she MUST stay and when without any regard to D14's feelings. Even my W when this first started said that if we did 50/50 that we wouldn't need to have all the details spelled out, that we could do whatever it is that we felt best. The problem now is I can't seem to have a conversation with my W that doesn't end in her running away screaming if I don't 100% agree with whatever it is she wants or where I can trust her to not "change her mind" a week later. Having a "co-parent" type of arrangement would be great. It would allow leeway and changes in circumstances and schedules. It would show our D14 that we are reasonable adults that both love her and are doing what is best for her. But how is that possible when one parent isn't reasonable? The fact that my W has stated that she wants me to back "forcing" D14 to do things that she doesn't want to do because, as my W has said, that her "best memories" of her father from her childhood are when he forced her to do things with him that she didn't want to do. This is new for W. In the past 26 years she would talk about how much she hated that her father "forced" her to spend time with him and OW. That she felt so uncomfortable around him and hated every moment. It's only now that she is fully in replay that she thinks that he was right to do this.
I have totally accepted that my D won't be going to the school she has wanted to. That she will not know a single person at her new school. That she will most likely be left alone every day after school when she is at her mothers until late at night (very dangerous at her age!). That if my W has her way she will "force" my D to do things she just doesn't want to do. Stay with my W's new "friends" when she is called out of town for work. Now my W wants D's life to be mapped out by court order. Look, if it were up to me I would have kept things the way they were for a while and see how it worked after the start of school. W made that impossible because she got upset and pushed finalizing the D sooner than she had said she would. Now I'm forced to either experiment with seeing how things go and then trying to come up with more money for another lawyer later to change the custody arrangements or stop my w from doing this now, before I have a chance to see just how bad she is going to be about forcing my D to do things she doesn't want to do.
It also doesn't help that my W now isn't going to let me keep the house (it's paid off, no mortgage, it was paid off before my W went back to work. Another thing we decided together to do sacrificing new cars and vacations and such). She was going to do this because she knows that I needed her income and she promised to back me in my start up business then decided that she must get a D. Along with the fact that I cashed in my retirement ($46,000) when I started this so we had more savings to live off at first. This was from my job before we were married so it wouldn't have been split in a D. I also paid $20,000 to pay off a law suit that came up from student loans from before we were married and I wasn't liable for, again from money earned by me before she went back to work. In return I wasn't going to ask for half her retirement money, spousal support or sole custody of D14 and child support. (Again, the custody thing was because of how my W said it was going to work, not how she has now spelled it out). Now my w wants me to just be able to live in the house until D14 turns 18 and sell it and give her half. She doesn't have to help pay for any upgrades I make, taxes, upkeep, getting it ready to sell, etc.
So, she gets to leave me with a negative balance in checking account because she didn't tell me that she wasn't putting her salary in the joint account while she was still living at home and allowed me to keep paying the bills, get all the antiques we bought at her grandmothers estate sale ($5,000+ spent and worth more than that now), keep all the retirement she has since starting her job (I cashed mine in), no spousal support even though for the first time in 20+ years I needed her income and she promised that she would back me, (She earns 7 times what i do at this time) and she gets to keep half the proceeds from the sale of the house and her car that was in both our names. Not to mention that over the years all our tax return money (even when she wasn't working) went to pay off her student loans from before we were married. I also allowed her to take the best furniture and appliances when she left, again, because she had said i was getting the house.
I'm really not spinning per se. I don't like that I must make these decisions right now but that isn't my doing. I'm actually calmer than I have been in the past about it all except having to speak to my D14 about the custody issue. I should have known that my W would end up going back on everything we agreed to from what I have seen on this board. From past experience over the last year. Well, I didn't and now I have to respond and I really want to do so in a way that least affects my D in a negative way.
Sorry this was so long but I could tell from all the responses that I hadn't given enough info. Thanks for your patience!
I know the situation stinks and it's unfair and it hurts to see your kids suffering the consequences when they've done absolutely nothing to deserve it.
Just know you have support and love here while it all gets figured out.
It really does get better. Really. :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
At this point it is business and you have to have your attorney be the bad guy. You cannot allow nice to interfere. I have had to deal with this in my recent past and this is what I suggest. You need to seek full custody with child support, seek alimony from your wife, seek full possession of the house. if you go for the whole thing you then have room to negotiate downward. The last thing they will expect is you seeking support from your wife. I would also look into seeking compensation from your wife for the grievous harm you suffered due to the vasectomy you suffered through after she indicated she was not going to separate or divorce you in the near future. See if your L can get a statement from your doctor indicating her response to this question. I know it sound counter to everything you want. remember, she is and will walk all over you.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Hey Matt, i'm sorry for all you're going through. LoisB is right, it really does get better but I know that probably doesn't make you feel better at the moment. You do have good support here, if you get a chance - check out a local divorce group for rebuilding, it really does help you to rebuild. I second that post above from Lifes Twists, let your L be the bad guy (you're going to get the blame anyway, you know this) My D went so smoothly because it went so fast - early on when the exH was feeling guilty about abandoning me I think, so he was totally agreeable, now that he's had time to think on it he's had a change of heart on the whole house thing. too late for that though. Hang in there, I feel for ya!
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
Thanks Heather! You all have been a great comfort through all of this. Not sure where I'd be without you. Probably would have just given my W everything and only see my D14 every other weekend. Even now, after all I have seen and KNOW about MLC, I still have a part of me that just can't understand how my W could have changed so much that she can't even think about what is best for her own kids. My poor D19 is so freaked out by how her mother is wanting to act like her "friend" instead of her mother. Just more of the same. Don't get me wrong, I'm not surprised anymore or even angry or upset. It's just that when it comes to something as permanent and binding as the final decree, it just makes something I know will hurt my D's, make any chance of ever having anything but a bad R with my ex, will make it that much harder for even my W if she ever does come out of her tunnel to ever undo the damage she has caused, the craziness just takes on such a permanence. Like it or not my w is the mother of my kids. Some day she will be grandmother to my grandkids and will never be totally out of my life or my family.
At one point when my w was really deep in her depression she said she could just leave me and the kids, go somewhere on her own (just like her dad) and never once look back or feel a bit of guilt. I chalked it up to her depression but now, I wish that was what she had done. Disappeared from all of our lives and left us alone. It would have hurt, I'm sure. But we would have gotten on with our lives without the crazy. Without my kids being forced to have their grandfather in their lives to hurt them. To no longer feel safe even when dealing with your own family. To me family means everything. To my W it's just a word to describe the people who are related to you. I guess when she has been so deeply hurt by her own father, family meant something different, something dangerous. She probably sees nothing wrong with how she is acting towards her kids since it's not nearly as bad as her dad treated her and now he is wanting to make up for all that. It's her turn to be selfish and she can always make up for it later.
This time I'm not spinning, not thinking "How can she do this?" . This time I'm thinking it's time to take the gloves off and do everything in my power to stop my W from doing any more harm to me or those I love! When my W gets my response to what she wants in the final decree, she is going to go threw the roof! It will be the final nail in the coffin of our M and there will be no coming back from it. I gave her every chance to do what is right, not what SHE wants for her own selfish reasons. To poke her head out of the MLC well long enough to see that it's not all about her. That getting a D isn't just leaving me behind but tearing a family apart and hurting so many other lives. She can't see this, I know that now. But that doesn't mean I can't and that i will just let her do it.
I don't know why she is getting worse. Maybe it's that she isn't getting what she thought living on her own. Maybe it's because she has been letting her father run her life. Maybe she is still angry because I tried to save our M instead of just saying she needs to do what she wants or that I'm not just falling apart without her. Who knows and it doesn't matter one bit. There is no hope that she will come out of her MLC in time to save my kids from the damage she is determined to inflict in the quest to "find her joy". I accept this now. I don't and never will understand it (not having an MLC myself) but I accept it. I don't hate her, I'm not angry either. I tried my best to DB, give her space and time and even support but none of that helped. (may have even made things worse!). Time to think about what I want and what I think is best for those I am here to love and protect and raise into adulthood. The rest is up to God and in some part to just how deep my W is in her fog.
Matt, be careful not to react out of any anger. During the first year of my situation my wife called the police on me multiple times. When that stopped working she got my oldest so confused and then got her to file for a restraining order on me. Our spouses are short of a full deck at this point. There is no telling what depression will cause them to do. What you cannot expect is kindness in return for doing something kind. Right now you have to do things in the best interest of your daughter and yourself, not out of spite. What I suggested is go for everything, but let your lawyer do it. If your lawyer won't then find a new one. Show your wife you have some back bone, that you will stand for what is right and you won't let her walk all over you. Make sure you keep your attorney fully informed. I found that my wife did not, as I suspect most MLCers won't. Make sure your lawyer will use this to your advantage. When the MLCer looses ground in a court situation it takes them completely by surprise and throws them off their game. Every step you take has to be cool, level headed and well thought out. if your attorney does not work with you and put in effort to prepare then you need a new one. I have had to learn this the hard way.
In terms of your daughter, does she see a counselor? if not, I would get her into one right away. A letter on her behalf by a counselor goes a long way in court. Always keep in mind what is good for her first. Don't do anything that can be viewed as vindictive or selfish on your part.If you ever suspect their is any emotional abuse, physical abuse, drugs or alcohol abuse involved do not hesitate to get DCF involved. They are there to protect the child.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Thanks LT, Drugs and alcohol aren't something I need to worry about with my W at this point, at least not with her using them. I am concerned about my D14 as she will not only be going to a much larger school than she ever has but from past experience, my W will be working late quite often leaving her alone after school which is a bad time for getting into trouble! My W doesn't 'believe" in IC and has refused to agree to the girls going. It is her idea that D doesn't hurt the kids, it's all in how the parents behave. I think for my W that means how she thinks we should behave, not what I think.
When I went to my lawyer at first and we spoke about the case, he was sure it would be easy as I explained to him that my W was going to let me have the house, that she was still at home and contributing to paying the bills, etc. I explained to him that the number one thing for me was what was best for my D14 and the rest will be easy.Not sure where my W came up with me living in the home until my D was 18 came from (I'm guessing her father)and I wouldn't be asking for anything like my W's retirement which isn't a lot because she had agreed to my getting the house. All that has changed and now he needs to know if I am going for full custody and can't wait because my W has pushed forward way sooner than expected. His office just called and I really need to get back but I haven't spoken to my D yet. It will have to be tonight for sure.
I know I must be careful not to do anything out of spite and I really don't think I am. I just need to push for so much more than I had thought and that [censored]! Thanks LT! I will keep a level head through this!
