More details from neighbor that H has been bringing different girls home and not just the same one. Great, so it may be an addiction? I don't know which is worst.
I haven't confronted H since I'm still waiting on more solid evidence. It's gut wrenching though as I watch him lie to my face everyday. He still makes an effort to call me from his desk phone to let me know that he will be working late. Of course, he doesn't call me to let me know he's about to step out of the office and that he's on his way home. That's at least 2.5 hours of unaccounted time.
Since I've been home our interactions have been positive. Despite the info I learned from neighbor I have been playing it safe and acting "as if." I let him vent his feelings and I validate and empathize as much as I can. Even though our convos are about the unpleasantness that has occurred in the M, we still end on a productive note. At least in my mind I feel as though we have been able to share and feel heard that our convo drops off naturally. I know this is positive but it is incredibly difficult for me to remain positive right now after learning that my H is involved with multiple women. Please leave my heart on the floor because it hurts too much to have it back in my chest right now.
The question is...what do I do with this info? I feel like I need to confront him but I'm afraid I'm not armed enough to do so.
Paz, I'm so sorry. I don't know how I can help other than to say I am praying for you during your darkest hours.
It may be an addiction. It may be temporary insanity. But there is one thing I don't believe is that is has anything to do with you. I have been reading a lot about porn. I have used it my entire life up until 6 weeks ago. I read about it again tonight because I feel like my M is completely over and it seems like the stupidest time to quit when I'm totally by myself and feeling down. But the point is that at times like this I read about the addiction instead to remind myself why I am stopping.
The fact is that it is a form of self medication. That's it. It has nothing to do with how good of a W you are, how beautiful you are, etc. I never cheated on my W but I'm sure there is a rush you get from feeling attractive enough to seduce other women, etc. But in the middle of it is a deep hole, a lack of self worth, insecurity, loneliness, misery, and the need to cover it up. We grab anything when we fall.
That doesn't make it ok, mean you should forgive him, trust him, or be willing to give him another chance. I have no idea when to confront him, or how to walk that fine balance between being empathetic and giving him a chance to course correct vs. setting boundaries. I don't know. It's tough.
I just want you to detach, rise above, realize it has nothing to do with the wonderful person you are, and that it's similar to him binge drinking at the bar or having a gambling problem. Maybe that's a good way to think of it. If it was a gambling problem how would you treat it? That makes it easier to see past how it makes you feel and instead look at him compassionately. Doesn't mean you'd lend him money or sign on a credit card, or even stay with him. But I hope it makes it easier to feel good about your growth. You have given so much to me and others on this board I hope you know you are special, and deep down your H knows it. I pray it will come to the surface.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thank you Zeus for your kind and uplifting words. Compliments in this house are scarce these days so it means a lot to me. I'm waiting for the emotions to kick in but instead I just feel more determined to fight. Call me crazy. Today would be our three year wedding anniversary. I'm not expecting anything but I am in mourning today.
This is some scary sh!t I'm walking into. I hope it's temporary insanity and not something that has been covered up all this time. I don't know this man and frankly I'm not sure if I want to. I'm back to questioning reality and my own sanity. I feel like I'm going crazy. He's more cunning than I gave him credit for. I saw him as this kind and gentle creature incapable of deceiving me and yet it all seems like a façade. But then all those feelings I felt--they were real. All the memories we shared--they happened. I felt his love for me--it was solid.
Could it really be completely unrelated to me? It can't all be purely physical, right? I'm having a hard time with that. He's lying about everything under the sun. I don't quite get why. I mean he's the one wanting a D. Why go through such lengths covering sh!t up? Just to think that one of the girls is just the next building over. I'm utterly disgusted. What kind of woman is she or are they to get involved with a married man? I mean I know at least one of them is like 25-35 lbs heavier than me and she's not very pretty. Here I am barely 5'2 and 109 lbs. I stay in shape and eat healthy. What do they have that I don't? WTF?
I think it's time for some anxiety meds or something because hyper alert that I can't sleep when I should and then sleep when I shouldn't. I'm attuned to every bit of squeak and creek in the house. My mind is on overdrive. I'm thinking there's someone in the other room with him and they're doing it right under my nose. I don't think this is really happening but it all feels very real.
How the heck has anyone been able to get through this without completely losing one's mind?
Hi Paz- I don't really have any advice. I'm new here also. But, I just want you to know that you aren't alone. I have some good evidence that my H is a serial cheater as well. I am interested to see what help you get from vets. I will keep checking back on you. I'm sorry you are going thru this, but you aren't alone.
Hugs!
H:40 Me:35 D5 S4 S3 months Married 8 years Together 17 years BD: 5/23/2014
Thanks, Sam! Feels good to know that I'm not alone in this. As things unfold, I feel as though my stitch is taking a unique turn--one that does seem to be addressed in DR. At least IMO. I suppose it could fall under addiction but I don't remember reading how to identify and approach serial cheaters. I'm hoping that it's just self medication rather than something too permanent where there is limited to no help.
How are you dealing with your suspicions? I have another coaching sesh tomorrow and I'm curious as to how my coach will suggest I tackle this.
Paz. Just wanted to check in. Haven't heard from you for a while. Hoping you're doing ok. Whatever is going on please know you've been a lot of support and comfort to those on this site and in your life.
You can catch up on my thread if you'd like. I've been posting more about what I'm going through, and referenced 'sexualcontrol.com' and it's free online pdf book 'the most personal addiction'. I really like it's common sense approach to sexual addiction, and the underlying issues of facing reality and uncomfortable emotions. I'd encourage you to check it out because it also talks a lot to the spouse of that person. I pray you'll have a chance to use in an R. If nothing else I hope it helps you understand your role in the situation. Namely that nothing is because of who you are, but that there are some common dynamics that can occur.
Anyway, hope to hear from you soon. Hang in.
PS- I've been curious about the user name change. Is there an explanation you can share? No big deal. Just nosy
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I appreciate you checking up on me. I'm still hanging in there. I will check out that reference, thank you!
I've stopped posting because of all the conflicting info i was receiving. While some helped, others made it more confusing in my head. I've decided to rely on IC and coaching. Still working on myself and i'm def in a better place.
I changed my username because I was not thinking when I created it--it was just too obvious! I was not careful enough and now all that info is out there. As of now H is in his own room. I revealed what I had learned form the neighbors and he neither confirmed nor denied it but I know better. From the sound of things he is texting back and forth--i'm guessing with the OW. It has been a nightly thing. I hope you are doing well in your personal journey.
I will limit my contact on this site to just PM because it eliminates the public audience. Feel free to reach me there if you're comfortable.
I was not careful enough and now all that info is out there. As of now H is in his own room. I revealed what I had learned form the neighbors and he neither confirmed nor denied it but I know better. From the sound of things he is texting back and forth--i'm guessing with the OW. It has been a nightly thing. I hope you are doing well in your personal journey.