Possible MLC WAH, and need guidance

[AJM]

which I know is a lie, because I've read about it all over these boards

Not to give you any difficult things to think about per se, but all you really know is what happens with others. You need to be prepared for that eventuality, but you don't "know" that about your husband.

Step back and see what you do know.

For example, you do know that he wants you in his life. He wants to be close. He wants to foster a relationship with you.

The question is really what you want and what he wants. The rest are just things that happen along the way.

Don't compromise yourself, but don't think you "know" until you do know.

That's kind of a child-like approach to this. Kids don't know and learn along the way. They take it as it comes because its all new to them.

Its all new to you as well, no?

You are doing a great job, Ats. Really. It's a difficult situation and you are really doing it well. Be careful to not superimpose others stories on to yours, but be prepared for whatever comes. And detach from the outcome.

From that stance, you'll do very well.

AJ

[Atsbaby]

Your right AJ, this is all new to me. I don't know what H is doing because it's his world at this moment.

Quote:
which I know is a lie, because I've read about it all over these boards

(I gotta figure out how to quote )
I meant that I'm lying to myself that it cannot happen to me, because it does happen. I'm trying to prepare for the worst and pray for the best.

I do believe he really does want me in his life.

I KNOW I want him in mine, not need but want.
I KNOW he doesn't want to live here and take on responsibility at this time.
I KNOW he is not the man I married at this time.
I KNOW I have to detach for my sake and my kids.
I KNOW my kids need me for their support and emotional needs at this time.
I KNOW I can only control myself.

I really don't know much regarding his thoughts and feelings, just by 50% of his actions. So I need to come up with better and stronger ways for me to detach from him. It's hard when he doesn't have a place to take the kids and he is at our house EVERY night.

I'm thankful school is starting this week and the kids will be on a more set schedule, which is what we all need, including H. Old H is OCD and consistent. That should have been a big signal for me that he was entering into this MLC chaos. Hindsight!!

[Wet]

Hi Atsbaby, a very good list of what you know you want in your life. The best one is "I KNOW I can only control myself." You are miles ahead of the game knowing this. Best wishes.

[Atsbaby]

Thank you Wet! Even though I know I can control myself, I'm still stuck on trying to control the outcome

So I need to vent and then laugh:

H came by tonight, only here for an hour (yeah!)and as he was leaving mentioned he has to be at the ball field early because there is no one scheduled to work the gates for the first game. He mentioned that he was leaving work at 4:30 so he could be at the gate....now to vent! I had class on Monday nights from Feb-May, and my babies (9 & 10) were left home alone for an hour because H didn't leave work until 5! He has a flex schedule! This was before bd so I didn't even think to look at MLC at the time, but now...

So H walks in and what does he have on his finger...that's right folks, his class ring! I had to leave the room before I busted out laughing It's his college ring since the hs ring is too big, but it's the fact that he opted to wear it after years of not wearing it!!

I'm going to let you guys hold me accountable! I will slowly pull away so as not to send him into shock, but I need to detach more and if I don't start now, I will continue to struggle. Okay, so my goal for tomorrow is to NOT answer any text messages. I did this goal today and was successful, yea me!

Happy Monday

[Shining]

Oooohhh, Ats!!! That's a classic!!!

Maybe along with my H, they'll get the "old band back together", too!!!

Thanks for the lols.

[Atsbaby]

After thought: when H left he told me to let him know if I needed anything; two days in a row. I wonder if some of his guilt is starting to surface. He also made a comment about something needing to be turned into the team mom, that if I needed him to do this then he could, "since you have so much on your plate. I don't want you to think I'm not helping."

YOU ARE NOT HELPING!!!!!

Deep breath....

[Atsbaby]

I was having such a good day today and now, not so much.

I did really well with not responding to H texts! His first was to remind me to bring a towel to the game since there was 80% chance of rain....I'm a mom! don't you think I know this? He proceeded to send it to my iPad and then even called my dad (who had the kids while I was at work).

The game was cancelled, but practice was still on. I did have to text H to let him know since he informed me he was going shopping again before coming home. Why is he letting me know what he's doing before he comes home?

So he's late to practice, has s10 mouth piece and athletic tape. Then I see a pizza place's cup in the car(my suspicion of OW. Manager at this place and the only person on his fb page I don't know). So what do I do...exactly what I told Wet NOT to do!

I checked his fb page and she is no longer on there...why would she be, he has her # now. So instead of trying to love from a distance, I'm just short with him. I'm so frustrated with doing all this alone and he gets to do whatever he f***ing feels like!

So now he's texting me:

H: you seem mad tonight
M: I'm not mad. I'm very tired. (Which isn't a total lie)
H: okay you just seemed very short and upset. Wanted to make sure that there was nothing that I did wrong (really???)
M: I'm sorry you felt that I was mad at you
H: no, didn't think it was necessarily at me...you just seemed mad
H: didn't know if there was something else bothering you tonight. That's all
M: I appreciate the concern
H: it's a full moon tonight too so that might've had something to do with it...lol
M: lol
H: why are you so tired? (Where is this coming from? I thought everything was about him?)
M: trying to get all this homework done
H: I hear that
H: graduate studies are exhausting
M: yes they are
H: you'll make it through it
M: thank you for the support
H: il always support your schooling (but not me!)
H: don't want you to fail...you are good at what you do
H: plus I told you you could send me papers for me to proofread for you. Still haven't seen any

He's breaking my heart all over again...I can't keep doing this. I NEED him out of my life right now. How do I do this for me? How do I get away from him? I don't want to miss out on my kids, but he won't give me my space.

Any advice would be appreciated!

[Wet]

Hi Atsbaby, I'm sorry you were kicked in the gut like you were today. Yes, I know that feeling.

You were supportive of me when I was stupidly snooping this weekend. Here is what was posted on my thread:

"Stop IT!!! (Atsbaby), Stop, stop, stop!!!!..

Stay in YOUR Lane...Life is better there, NO drama, NO more rejection. It's bad enough, don't make it worse. Guard your heart.

Imagine yourself at 5 years old, all cute and cuddly and loving and trusting and innocent. Imagine that lil (Atsbaby).

Now, imagine throwing that cute lil (girl) in with the lions at the zoo. Just pitching her in there like a toy for the lions to play with. That's what you did when you snooped. You fed that cute lil (girl) to the lions."

Ouch, this advice is great stuff. This stuff happens, so don't let it eat you up. Dust yourself off, let tomorrow be a new day. Good luck.

[LoisB]

Ats,

Step away from the phone. Take a deep breath.

Find that place between the past the future. Be in THIS moment. JUST this moment. Try to center yourself.

You can't find all the answers tonight. But, you CAN BE OK IN THIS MOMENT. :-)

[Atsbaby]

Thank you Wet and Lois!

I did stop texting him. I was doing well with the validating and when he threw in the other stuff is when I just stopped. 30 minutes later he told me have a good night...which he usually doesn't.

Wet I read that post and thought it was awesome! Thanks for bringing to my attention again!

Going to bed and focusing on a good nights sleep