FY, thank you for declaring me “officially hot”. It made me smile, and also reading all these responses. I don’t consider myself hot though. I hear it from people and it always surprises me. I’m not a model looking. I consider myself an average in terms of looks and shape. Yes, I do look younger than my years, I do look in shape (even though I have a few extra pounds I’m trying to lose) and I do have a pretty face. I know some guys (and actually women) I met in the past were making comments about how lucky my H was. I also know these comments started to irritate H about 2-3 years pre DB.
Originally Posted By: Matt165
Sounds to me like any man would be lucky to have you a part of his life, your H is just too blinded by his own problems to see that!
Matt, this is what I hear quite often. But let me say something here. People in the outside world only saw a nice girl with lots of good qualities, confident and independent, open and not judgmental, etc. It was H who this girl allowed to show the true colors with. And sometimes they were not pretty. I know my issues now. I was looking to H to fix my childhood issues of not having much attention from my Father. I was behaving like a little angry girl sometimes. So, I can totally understand H not wanting this, especially when he started to deal with his own issues.
And it is interesting what you said about MEN vs. Boys. I think it makes sense now. On one side H wanted an independent woman who could take care of herself and not rely on him much (and I was that woman, except for the emotions.) On the other side, I was told by our mutual friends that H was intimidated by me. Well, I was making a lot much money for a while. I think H lost his confidence, or he always had it low, just was masking it so well by emphasizing his masculinity. I remember that he was not comfortable when I asked him to hold my purse when I needed to go to the restroom or something. I saw my friend doing it for his wife with no problems. I also saw other guys doing it for their wifes or women. It always puzzled me why H was so sensitive about this. I think now I understand.
Bea, you are into something here. I need to think more about what you said. My H is not a mean MLCer. Actually he is not only “nice”, he is very nice, especially lately. I think I’m at the point that if I initiate the contact and I get no response, it would not bother me too much. I’m not even sure what I will make out of a response or no response. You are so right about the hope dwindling away.
I’m doing much better recently. I almost lost this persistent feeling in my stomach. I feel that I’m getting more distant from H, like moving away. This scares me. I am the person who normally goes all the way while there is still hope. I don’t give up that easily. I think that I’m afraid to completely drop the rope because I know that once I do that there will be no way going back. I will not reopen my heart to H even if he decides to come back.
So, now back to action.
Job, I thought the same, to reply to H’s e-mail thanking him. Should I send him a thank you e-mail and also tell him that I fixed the contacts on the account, so he should not be getting e-mails for me anymore? Which is the truth. Or, would it sound like I’m trying to get rid of every mention of him? Which is partially true too, at least at the moment.
Any advice on this? Or, am I over thinking this again?
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
And it is interesting what you said about MEN vs. Boys. I think it makes sense now. On one side H wanted an independent woman who could take care of herself and not rely on him much (and I was that woman, except for the emotions.) On the other side, I was told by our mutual friends that H was intimidated by me. Well, I was making a lot much money for a while. I think H lost his confidence, or he always had it low, just was masking it so well by emphasizing his masculinity. I remember that he was not comfortable when I asked him to hold my purse when I needed to go to the restroom or something. I saw my friend doing it for his wife with no problems. I also saw other guys doing it for their wifes or women. It always puzzled me why H was so sensitive about this. I think now I understand.
This is very interesting, Bright! My h had what I called a representative. He came across as very strong, secure, confident, etc. He would always comment that people thought he grew up with a silver spoon or came from some great family. I think he thought that was part of his *power* because he could present himself this way. He was told growing up that he really was worthless. He was in a large family and was told that he was the one who was going nowhere and would be like his uncle (who was trash and in and out of jail- on the run from the cops- drugs, you get the pic...). Anyway, h was so proud that he was the most successful out of them all, and I think in part to prove his worth and them wrong.
So.... to make a short story long..... Your above quote resonated with me. Although my h came across as very confident, I could always tell he was insecure. He would never show or admit that.... ever! He would have never held my purse either! He always had to present himself a certain way- especially in public.
And, a funny thing about that- total MLC moment from this man. A couple months ago, he stopped by the house. He was wearing a pink dress shirt. Like... really pink. He NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS would have done that. If I had even suggested something in that realm, he would have said,"HE/L No!" and would have cut me off at the knees for even suggesting it. I was totally stunned when he walked in with on! I was sitting at the table doing work, and I did one of those head jerks, where it went back, and bugged my eyes. I didn't mean to, but I kind of laughed too. He made a face, and looked a little embarrassed. I didn't say a word- he knew exactly what I was looking at! I was SHOCKED! It's not even that I didn't like it, it was just not his style- at all. Then my son came out and made a comment about it, because even he noticed how weird and unlike him it was. S teased him, because h would always want s to look a certain way- just like him!
Hmmm.... sorry, Bright. I didn't mean to take up your thread with that. Just sometime we have those moments when someone else make you think, you know?
Bright, I would just thank him and leave it at that. I wouldn't say anything about correcting the address because he'll probably not pay any attention as to whether he gets the info again in the future.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think many long term DB'ers error on the side of not reaching out enough, basing this decision on the belief that their spouse will "miss them" and reach out first.
Hmmmm depends on the Mlcer - my xh used to respond to any reaching out by initial friendliness then a big emotional punch in the gut. A sort of 'come closer and then I can hit you again'
FY your wife is a 'nice' MLCer, some of them become vicious. no other way of describing their behaviour.
Yeah, I would reach out and he would blow sand at me. Nothing at which you could say that's nasty or disrespectful but mentioning he was away in ow town!
He was sick but no mention of how he got taken to hospital and how he got home if critically ill! Telling me he deliberately ignores my call as its unimportant! Etc!
Just enough to play mind games, so I don't each out I don't contact, he lives 3km away. Traveling 2.5 hours to ow is easy fun and worth it.
I don't play mind games, anymore. Simple
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Mighty, no worries about taking up my thread. It is always helpful to see other stories about similar issues. It is very funny about your H wearing the pink dress shirt. My H didn’t drastically change his dress style, except he started wearing flip flops, which he would never do before.
Job, I always listen to your advice. It is like a universe is telling me what to do. Don’t want to put that much pressure on you, but it really helps to validate my thoughts when you step in. I sent him a simple thank you note in the e-mail. I don’t expect anything in return.
Ggrass, I’m sorry I am not up to date on your thread. I started reading, but didn’t have time to catch up. Your stich is fairly new. It sounds like your H is an angry man right now, especially since ow is involved. I remember in the first 6 months when I would text H about something and would not get any reply back. I thought it was rude and disrespectful. I stopped. Traveling to see ow for 2.5 hours will get old at some point. Hang in there.
So, if I would analyze things (I know it is not encouraged here), I would say that something is still stopping H from completely breaking all ties with me. This recent e-mail forward. He is no longer on that phone account, so he could have told me that I needed to remove his name and e-mail from there. He didn’t. There are a few other accounts which he receives the e-mails for and then forwards them to me. One of them is a CC card tied to Costco membership, which is also under our company name. He doesn’t use that card anymore. I know this because I get the statements. So, what prevents him from removing himself and his contact info from that card? Just a thought.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, Sometimes they don't remove their names from accounts and also continue to use their former home address for mailing purposes. I think your h isn't ready to cut all ties w/you because you have left him alone to explore and find his way. here are some who just drift through their crisis and do not stir up a lot of destruction. Count yourself lucky he's this way and not like the ones that up every bridge that they cross.
No one can ever imagine what goes through their minds during the crisis. Sure, we hear about some of the stuff they do and think about...but each case is different and until your h decides to share, you are left in limbo. I would continue to observe and try not to be too concerned about his name being left on other items....it's very normal for some of them to do this.
Keep the focus on you. Have a great week!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi BF, The thing about being M is that you are supposed to be able to show your "true colors" to this person, and they theirs. We ALL have a part of ourselves that we don't share with the world at large. Our S's are supposed to be the person that we can relax and be who we are, warts and all, with at all times. We all have a "not so pretty" side, issues that we keep hidden. Part of a M is that you except this other person knowing that, like everyone, they have flaws but you love them not in spite of those flaws but also because of them! I knew my W had issues, she has a hard time trusting other people, she gets angry when she's hungry and acts like a diva, there is a list. The thing is I loved her just the same. I accepted that she had reasons for feeling the way she did, for acting out at times and I wanted her to know that she was safe to act the way she wanted and I wouldn't judge her because of it. Sure at the time she was acting out it wasn't "fun" but I knew that she had had a hard childhood, a father who was a judgemental a$$. That she felt abandoned by her father and like she had to take care of her mother after he left. I wanted her to know that it was "safe" for her to act out and I would be there once it blew over.
This is what a mature loving M is all about. You have to take the good with the bad. No one is perfect, no one can be the perfect wife or husband all the time. Your H knew your issues before and still loved you. Your "issues" didn't drive him into his MLC or cause him to have a crisis. If we had to be perfect S's at all times for a M to work, no one would ever stay M! If our S's are looking for the 'perfect" person to spend their lives with, they will NEVER find that. It was HIS choice to be intimidated. He lost his confidence not because of anything about you or you did or didn't do but because of his own thoughts and problems.
Sometimes it's hard when we get the "spew" from our S's because there are, in every M, things that we know we could have done different. Things about ourselves that "aren't pretty". It doesn't justify what your H is doing and it doesn't make you at all at fault for what he CHOOSES to do! Always keep this in mind when dealing with your H.
Job, it is always so comforting to read your responses. I suppose I’m lucky to not witness the craziness that I read about on other threads. Except the luck of it makes me doubt that he is in MLC sometimes. I’m not too concerned about his name still on some items, I’m just curious.
Matt, I admire your understanding of your W’s childhood issues, your patience and mature way to look at things. I agree and disagree with what you said. Yes, it was H’s issue to feel insecure and intimidated. Yes, nobody is perfect and spouses should feel safe to be themselves in a relationship. I didn’t do harmful things on purpose, but I could have taken H’s feelings into consideration in a lot of cases. The problem was that we didn’t know how to communicate our feelings in a healthy way. I hope I’ve learnt from this whole ordeal and I will be able to apply what I learnt to my future R, whether it with H or not.
Thanks for reminding me that H’s choice is H’s choice and not my fault.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Matt, I admire your understanding of your W’s childhood issues, your patience and mature way to look at things. I agree and disagree with what you said. Yes, it was H’s issue to feel insecure and intimidated. Yes, nobody is perfect and spouses should feel safe to be themselves in a relationship. I didn’t do harmful things on purpose, but I could have taken H’s feelings into consideration in a lot of cases. The problem was that we didn’t know how to communicate our feelings in a healthy way. I hope I’ve learnt from this whole ordeal and I will be able to apply what I learnt to my future R, whether it with H or not.
Thanks for reminding me that H’s choice is H’s choice and not my fault.
Bright, don't beat yourself up about it. MLC definitely makes us put a spotlight on our r. Some things become so clairvoyant... things we didn't realize we were looking at through narrow eyes. Our field of vision definitely broadens as we trudge our way through this. There are so many things I think, "Oh man, I wish I didn't.." or "I wish I had..." "If only..." This is a learning process. But then I feel too, that jeez, I just wish I had known. If h felt this way, I would/wouldn't have..... Why didn't he just tell me?
I didn't intentionally try to push him away- ever. But remember, this would have happened regardless. The good thing is- we learned from this! Had this never happened, we would be much less knowledgeable. We didn't create this. We didn't want this. Yes, if we could go back and change things that we now know, it would be great- but it wouldn't have prevented it.
Mighty, that is a very wise posting - even now I catch myself thinking - why did I do or say that? But the truth is that we are not perfect, and they are very damaged, and so also misinterpret things. I did many kind things post bomb, but they were twisted in a way that was beyond belief . . . Dealing with damaged goods is a difficult call, especially if we are also emotionally involved
