barely holding on - 2

[dawgy]

U Turn i think going back to teaching is of the utmost important thing for you right now . That will definitely keep you distracted and detached . Theres alot going on in your life and teaching will keep you from dwelling on the negative .

My detachment is working wonders with me . Im feeling better than i have for months . We talk very little and frankly if she was to leave tomorrow i would say have a nice life . Ive come to realize theres alot more life out there than to spend time with a woman who treated me so , so badly . I do forgive her but only for me . She doesnt deserve my forgiveness . Maybe Im bitter towards her now but I didnt do this . She could have done alot of things different rather than be a cheating sl$!t .

I do still love her immensly but getting harder every day to imagine staying together for ever . I think the damage is done . And I agree with Peter , if we do stay together it will be a completely new marriage . But honestly theres many , many beautiful women out there to start over with . And some of them really understand you because they ve been through it too .

[u-turn]

Dawgy,
I am sorry you are in this situation and feel the need to move on. I do not have those feeling right now. Sure I am angry, but am not hostile. Sure she has been/is cheating, but something is not right with her. For 20 years she has not acted like this and now she is. I have to give it time before I would rush into calling it quits. I have to figure out if she is going to stay like this or realize that this is not who she is.

I am being patient because she's that important to me. I do know that we would start from the beginning, but don't feel like I have much to lose by being patient right now.

[u-turn]

Dawgy, I also feel better now that I have found some things for myself, getting busy again. Teaching will be good for me again.

Detaching definitely helps me, I don't know what it it doing to her, but it is giving her space and time to sort herself out. I hope she does eventually.

S20 is a wreck - had another sitdown with him. He doesn't want to try and work things out with his mother any more and feels controlled by her. It's tough. I don't want to step in and try and fix things. I gave him some suggestions of how to approach the conversation with is mother. I don't know if this is the right thing to do, as this adds family stress to her.

S20 was very upset that she blamed me and the kids for not being supportive to her and that is the reason for the problems mom and dad are having (her way of redirecting the problem as she does with me).

[PeterV2]

The way I see it, I married her for better or for worse and it can't get much worse than this. Hopefully with time it gets better.

I heard someone say once, there's no situation so bad that you can't make it worse. So by sticking to Sandi's rules, at least I'm not making it worse. Even keeping it in the current status quo of limbo just means I need patience to accept the current condition and let things unfold as they will.

I do know that there are things I can do to shift someone else's thinking - instead of pushing the buttons that deteriorate the sitch, I'll choose to push the buttons that improve it.

[u-turn]

I look for the improvement buttons too, but don't want to feed into the "cake-eating" that I hear about. Is she cake eating or doesn't know what she is doing?

She wants me to hold her hand. she said she likes when I say good night to her. These are tiny things that I think can improve us, but I don't know if it can change us.

I don't know if it matters if she is having a MLC or not. If she is, does the level of detaching need to change?

I'm not sure I am detaching enough to make a difference. I can more easily show her that I love her, with small things like this. It is how we always acted toward each other.

[u-turn]

Sandi, my thought process doesn't work as quickly as some people's, I have questions about this from a couple days ago.

The answer she gave about no OM (b/c he will never leave his family) must have hurt you. Not exactly her saying it was her choice! But that may be close to the truth as you will have for the moment. Seeing OM at work will feed her EA.
(

Sandi-
I don't know what to do about this. Do I dig further? Do I ask what she means by this and what she is committed to? Do I question this not being a decision that she made only circumstances? Do I ask about ending the EA.

I think the answer to these are NO. But then you ask "how long are you willing to be in an open marriage?" and I say I don't accept it.

I'm conflicted with the DB techniques and my situation.

39. If there is an OW/OM in the picture, don't focus on them. BE the better choice, which means being a spouse only a fool would leave.

Does the mean don't focus or don't bring up the topic? Let the topic sit in silence and be patient? Wait for her move? Continue Limbo?

Is it a matter of only detaching and PMA and GAL and patience right now or is there something I am missing?

[Eatsma]

U-turn, you are asking the same questions that I asked myself for months. And I don't have good answers.

I think that this whole process takes time. My understanding is that there is not one thing that we can do to alter the affair. It's got to run its course. So - fine. You've said you won't be in an open marriage (I did, too). But - I never gave a firm boundary of, "If you're in a relationship with this woman, then I will [fill in blank with boundary.]"

I know a lot about this man. I've known him since he was 21 years old. I know how important integrity is to him. And I suspect that at some point that is going to be eating him alive, if it isn't already.

Just the other day he said to me, "For the most part, I am a good person." He was looking for validation, desperately. I simply mirrored what he said to me. "For the most part, you are."

It was the truth. And the truth hurts. And it keeps him awake at night.

So...who knows if I'm doing this right. I'm only 9 months in and this could take a long time (yyaaaayyyy....). But - I've totally stopped any conversation about OW. It's been 8 weeks since we talked about her. I've stopped talking about our relationship. He on the other hand sent me a note the other day about MY merits. I don't know if he wanted a list of his merits back (I didn't send him one).

The boundaries are to protect you. If you feel okay with the boundaries that you have, then I guess that's fine. If you feel badly about the boundaries that you have, then adjust them.

I told H in no uncertain terms that I did not want to be in an open marriage, that I wanted a marriage based on honesty and fidelity. He's awake a lot of nights now, and quiet. I see him struggling. But I'm still avoiding relationship talks for my sanity. I've really got to work on GAL because that would be good for me anyway. I'm hopeful that at some point we will get to a place where he will say, "I've wrestled that demon to the ground, I think we should talk about our marriage, I'm sorry for what we've gone through..." But I don't think that's going to happen soon. I think he's got a lot of crap he's got to work on in himself first. I've got my own crap to work on.

So - am I willing to be in an open marriage? No. He knows. Honesty and fidelity - those are my goals. We are a long way off from those goals, but I have hope that I'll recognize the right time to talk about them.

I'm totally not helpful - but I'm empathetic to your pain.

[ye21]

I don't know what to do about this. Do I dig further? Do I ask what she means by this and what she is committed to? Do I question this not being a decision that she made only circumstances? Do I ask about ending the EA.

This is your choice, we can't choose for you. Could you be honest to yourself without been affraid?
I mean, when you start dating people the person you like "chooses" you so why would you ask for somebody to choose you? Let her choose whatever she wants despite the fact that you might or not feel good about her choice. Whoever is with you has to be with you because they love themselves enough to share that love with you

[u-turn]

I guess my questions were more about DBng and less about what I want to do. The way I would have handled this prior to DBng, would be to find out more, try to get a time line, tell her what I want.

Then with DBng, now it's about time and space and detaching. I can't make her do anything. Don't pressure her because it will surly drive her further away.

I know I might sound like a broken record, but I am feeling confused about the methods. I know it is my choice, I am just trying to understand what I am up against.

If I said I opened up a conversation with W to talk about the boundaries with the OM that she has just told me wasn't a factor, I will likely get a backlash from her and probably others here. I am trying to get that backlash here before I do this. Believe it or not, I am taking the advice here to heart and do follow it.

I know what my goals are and what I want.

And I know that my goals and what I want may ultimately be much different than her goals and what she wants.

[ye21]

Well there is no an instructions book for this, only a couple of rules, Sandi rules.
Other than that you can't do anything else, dont worry about sounding like a broken record, hehhehe all of us have gone trought that and me sometimes I still asking nonsense questions to my sisters
Its normal, you are human and you have feelings.

The thing is that you have a long time in front of you to start feeling better despite how this ends.
Look this world its full of great people and not so great people, choose a side and stick to that side, and hey if you ended D no problem, its not under your control.

A few months ago I will give everything for my W to come back, today I see many woman in this forum fighting for their marriage and that shows me that there is still a lot of people who believe in marriage so one day I will share my life with a person who her goal is to spend her life with me, I will not have to beg her to be by my side and keep up with a bunch of insecurities, all of us we have insecurities but we work on them with time, and with a friend and lover compasion.
Partners who keep