Wife dropped the bomb; doing in house separation

[HopeTex]

Just booked the vacation for me and the kids at the waterpark resort. Mixed bag. Sad that my wife and I are doing separate vactions with the kids. But the sadness and pain isnt as extreme as it has been in the past. Good bit of peace in there too, and strength knowing that life will go on and I will have a good strong relationship with my kids regardless of what W does with our M.

[sandi2]

I think i wanted to do that just as a way to poke at her and get some type of read on the R, her plans, etc.

We call it temperature checking (as in checking where she is emotionally in the R at that moment). Not a good thing.

[25yearsmlc]

I think i wanted to do that just as a way to poke at her and get some type of read on the R, her plans, etc.

We call it temperature checking (as in checking where she is emotionally in the R at that moment). Not a good thing.

SO not a good thing. I read somewhere that "nothing cools the temperature of a M more than constantly taking its' temperature."

Plus, it's another way of showing how UNdetached you are, b/c you did something to get a reaction from her (or to get info).

That's a form of manipulation and attempted control, if you think about it.

I'm not saying I never did it. Half the reason we're here is to help you avoid our mistakes. And I did learn to stop. I hope you will too.

Food for thought.

[HopeTex]

Just booked my first session with a DB coach. (And booked my scuba lessons; and looked into dance lessons; busy day of GAL!)

I have read some good posts on this forum about this topic, and I will def ask my new DB coach: the balance between healthy detachment and beging cold/isolated. I worry about the W viewing my detachment as me becoming cold/isolated again. Our basic R history is that I was pretty cold/isolated early in our relationship, then started going to therapy and dealing with internal issues and went to the other extreme (needy, pressuring, controlling, pursuing).

I know I need to practice and achieve healthy attachment. I am just worried that W will see it as me just totally cutting off from her again, as me basically giving up on R and emotionally moving on. Like I am only capable of either being smothering or isolated, with no in-between.

I suppose there is no easy answer to this dilemna. I absolutely have to pursue and achieve detachment, that is probably the most important thing for me right now. But I suppose that if I achieve truly healthy detachment, she will also see me connecting to her and validating her if/when she does reach out to me?

[HopeTex]

News Alert! W just texted me:

"Are you feeling ok? You sounded sick earlier."

That means she has totally changed her mind on D, she wants to reconcile, and I should immediately pursue her romantically, right?!

Just kidding. Gotta find my laughs where I can.

[Zues126]

Ha tex. we have the same sense of humor, see my last thread post.

Anyway, yeah, I think detachment makes it EASIER to be a good H. Like when your attached your constantly aware and preoccupied with her REACTION and how it will make YOU feel. When you're detached you can focus on HER.

I'm having little breakthroughs about this. By being ok on my own I'm better able to be civil and treat her with consideration. I feel like we were drowning in the ocean. I can't pull her out if I'm still drowning. All I can do is keep her down. But once I'm out I can compassionately hold out my hand. And if she rejects it I won't feel shunned, just sad for the pain shell feel by staying in a negative state of mind. Of course, even then I'll pray she gets the next boat

[25yearsmlc]

News Alert! W just texted me:

"Are you feeling ok? You sounded sick earlier."

That means she has totally changed her mind on D, she wants to reconcile, and I should immediately pursue her romantically, right?!

Just kidding. Gotta find my laughs where I can.

And she's ready for LOTS MORE kids!

A sense of humor for this situation is essential. Period.

Good job

[25yearsmlc]

Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)

I. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.

When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.

We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).

We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)


PART II Detachment (found around here)

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.

* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.

* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."

IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -

We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.

[RockJC]

A couple thoughts -

I Love the 2-step, it is my favorite dance. Dancing brings Joy and is a great way to take your mind off what is going on in your personal life.

Detachment is extremely hard. The bible talks about the two becoming one. I believe people are wired for personal intimacy. Your entire life is wrapped up in that person. You share children, finances, dreams for the future. There is no light switch that you can hit and become detached. Detachment is a slow and difficult process.

Personally, what helped me the most was getting a formal custody agreement that allowed me to live a single life %50 of the time. During the in-house separation, my wife was living like she was single, and I was living like a single parent. GAL was difficult and I always felt guilty for not spending time with my kids.

If I could have a do-over, I would have formalized a custody arrangement with my W and started building my single life right away. Note, that would not include dating. It would include getting out of the house on my days without kids to do something, anything. The sooner you move forward with this part of your life, the easier it will be to detach.

One other note, nobody around here 2-steps anymore. All the young people Salsa. Salsa is nowhere near as fun as 2-step. But, "when in Rome...."

[HopeTex]

Thanks for the thoughts RockJC. I guess I am in a slightly different situation. We are still living under the same roof, but she has been the "stay-at-home-home mom" for 7 years and I have been the "working husband." And that situation continues for now.

So I have a good bit of flexibility to do things during the day and after work when I choose. Typically I am planning things to do out of the house one or two evenings each workweek. The other evenings I am home having dinner with wife and the kids, helping put them to bed, etc. After kids go down I might visit briefly with W if she seems to want to chat, but pretty soon if she is not initiating conversation I head to bed. Last night we sat together for about an hour folding laundry and watching TV. Not much conversation.

W will occasionally plan something to do in the evenings like go out with friends, go to bible study, etc. but not as often as I do. I would guess this is just because she is fairly comfortable (and worn out) in her life as mom, maybe it is a good thing that she isn't out trying to desperately GAL, if she was I'm not sure if that would be a good or bad sign in terms of the prospects for our M. Who knows.

She hasn't reacted at all to my scheduling the thee day trip to the resort with the kids (which will occur after she returns from her trip with the kids to Denver). We communicated by text about my trip with the kids, no in-person conversations. I wonder if she feels as sad about our separate vacations as I do....