I hear ya. I have told her that I don't want to live in an open marriage. She knows that. There is no need to say it again...it will just lead to more fighting but no resolution. And might it push her away...yes. Not necessarily into the arms of the OM. I actually think my wife's decision is going to be "do I want to be married at all?" But that is a lot of speculation on my part. She feels shackled by our life b/c she loves her family and her kids. She does not want to break up the M and the family, I know that. But in her mind she was SO unhappy with her life (again, not just her M, but in other ways) that she needs to escape.
So what I do continue to do...I 180 and do things that the old me never did. I do my best to not act in a controlling way. I am not showing anger. and I need to focus on having fun, which has been hard frankly. But i am coming out of my own fog little by little. I will survive this as a far better person than I began.
Lots of love for everyone
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I am meeting with my db coach on Wednesday and my therapist on Thursday. Both seem to think that the best thing that I can do us to NOT do certain things. Don't do or say anything that will lead to a fight or argument. Don't do anything that creates a negative environment. Just have PMA, be pleasant, be a great father and continue with my consistent changes.
Total agreement but like I say, if & when the time comes for you to feel conflicted about the advice you get here, versus your DB Coaches, I always say go with the Coach. We are not the experts; they are.
They are trained, we are not.
The coaches have all the same information we have, PLUS more, and they are far less likely to let their own experiences or opinions bias their answers, whereas we can do that, usually not consciously. And you can be sure you're following the MWD advice/path.
(Of course, if you tell them something different than you tell us, that's on you).
But it sure makes it a lot easier for YOU to stay on track to know who the "Captain" is, IF there is conflict.
There were a few times my DB coach did not agree with what the posters said, (or some of my posters). At those times, I always went with my DB coaches' advice, and I never once regretted it.
Hang in there. And btw, I'm very confident I am not your mil b/c none of my kids are married yet...
So there's that.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Last night I went out after work, over to a buddy's place and had two beers and talked. Came home a little after 8pm right before my S7 went to bed. My W and I talked for a bit after that, all pleasant and nice stuff. This morning we woke up and I did my normal thing of getting her a coffee and bringing it to her. She came downstairs a bit later and sat with me on the couch. We talked about my previous obsessions with my martial art (I decided to not pursue to the Brazilian JJ place that I looked at this weekend....it is a 15 min drive from home and will mean that I won't see my kids two mornings per week, which I don't want to do). She said that the issue was never that I did my martial art, but the amount of time I spent doing it and how it made me crazy and obsessed. so I may go back two nights per week to my old place. the main issue is the class is from 8-9pm so if I want to hang at home with the kids (or the W) those nights, I have to cut things short. BUt I believe I need this for my sanity and to GAL.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Shodan, you know what makes total sense to me, as far as your wife's point of view?
All of this, (below)...
BTW, wasn't one of your w's love languages quality time? IF SO, doesn't her feeling of being neglected make sense even more to You?
She said that the issue was never that I did my martial art, but the amount of time I spent doing it and how it made me crazy and obsessed. so I may go back two nights per week to my old place. the main issue is the class is from 8-9pm so if I want to hang at home with the kids (or the W) those nights, I have to cut things short. BUt I believe I need this for my sanity and to GAL.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yes, I understand your point and my W's view. That is why I am confused about what to do....I want to go back two nights per week for detachment and GAL reasons. But, assuming my M works out, I probably would not continue with martial arts b/c that would be time away from my W and family. I don't want to go down that path again.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Quick update on the past two days...as I mentioned, my W and I talked (no R talk) Sunday night, Monday morning, Monday night and Tuesday morning. All good stuff. We are going away on a vacation starting this Saturday. For the first time in two months, my W wrote me an email yesterday about yoga places near the place where we are staying. She did some research and asked if I wanted to get a week pass with her at one of them. Also, she is scheduled to be in NYC today/tonight (Wed) for work. She texted me yesterday to say she is doing a day trip and taking the 9pm flight back (she has a dinner event). I told her that she did not need to and should stay over (especially since the weather is expected to be pretty nasty). She immediately texted back "No, doing 9pm."
Then when she got back from work, instead of going upstairs to change, she hung out with me while I cooked dinner, ate dinner with S7 and me (D10 was not home yet) and talked about our family, how great things are, etc. She even said "i cannot believe that school starts for the kids in two weeks, where did the summer go" Of course, I was thinking (sarcastically) "we had no summer b/c your dad dies, my mom had a stroke and you asked me for a D in early June. For me, the summer has completely s***ed."
Finally, last night, she laid on me in bed.
Not sure what any of this means. I will continue to be who I am and see where this go. Speaking with my DB coach today.
Lots of love for everyone
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
But we went to yoga together this morning, referred to me as her husband to people and made some comment to me about having to deal with her for the next forty years. I am just going to play cool and not say anything. It clearly is her move to say something to me. Either way, I am not going to push for her to admit to the A. If we do talk, I want to discuss what we do from here forward.
and, her cell phone is not glued to her anymore. She leaves it behind and in places where I could break in if I wanted (if I knew the code).
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
