afraid I have waited too long #4

[nit84]

Thanks Little,

I know she has to understand on her own. The question is will it ever happen?

I get the concept of my W missing me. Maybe she will and maybe she wont.

She contacted me once in an email to tell me about a tragedy that I was aware of and once to ask about mail.

I understand the mail question but I don't think there was a need to contact me about the tragedy. She has known that I have stayed close with these friends since our S and she has not. This is why it upset me I guess.

I am having a problem with trusting W at the moment. I believe trust can be regained if there ever is a honest feeling that W wants to work on things.

Right now though, after the way she left, I wonder if the reason she contacted me was to gauge how angry I am with her.

[nit84]

Ok, This has me scratching my head a little.

Yesterday, I was coming upstairs after taking a shower I heard a car out front of my house. I peeked through the shades and saw a fairly attractive woman walking up to my front door. She looked anxious and nervous but not angry.

I caught a quick glimpse of the car and it looked like the OM significant other(whatever that is)car but I couldn't be sure.

I hurried to get dressed. This person didn't knock and my door bell isn't functioning so when I finished dressing I went to answer the door but they were already gone.

I am not completely sure that this woman was who I think it was because I have never actually saw her in person.

It is just strange because it is rare that someone comes to our door that I don't know and we have been here 14 yrs.

The question I have is why is she coming to my door if it is her? I mean this A has been going on for awhile now and it doesn't seem to make sense that contact would happen now maybe sooner but not now. Idk

Second question, If she comes around again and it is the OM woman what do I say to her? I will listen first but I am sure she will ask if I suspect anything.

As much as I am upset with my W, I have tried to keep the A discussions between us as much as possible.

Of course, I empathize with this woman but she isn't my main concern. I am concerned with myself and what I am trying to do.

I am sure this situation has happened to someone on the boards any help is appreciated.

[nit84]

I haven't had this feeling in a long time.

For some reason at work I got this overwhelming feeling of wanting to e-mail my W.

She moved out almost 5 weeks ago and has e-mailed me twice in that timespan. Each time I waited about 12-18 hrs before responding in short answer form. I have not initiated any contact with her.

I don't even know what I would say other than "I hope you are settling in to the place you have moved to ok and I hope our Cat is fine."

Pretty lame reasons for contacting her so that is why I am fighting this urge.

I don't want to give the impression that I am pursuing her. Just would like to know that she and our cat are ok.

I can't say that I don't miss my W but I am getting along doing for myself just fine. I knew I would be ok but that doesn't erase the fact that I still want my M to work.

I was never requested not to contact her after she moved out I just haven't and haven't even wanted to until today.

Is it wise to maybe reach out to her in a very small well thought out e-mail or just continue on like I have been for the last 5 weeks?

I could really us some advice on this. Thanks!!

[nit84]

Well the feeling of e-mailing my W has passed.

Not sure how long till I get it again once it happened yesterday.

In a confusing place right now I guess

[Mozza]

It's likely that 5 weeks is not a very long time. You might be in this for months or even years. You'll have to go through hell and keep going. I understand the feeling though. My W and I always had a running email conversation every day, in the background of our work. You can imagine the emptiness of not having it at all now. As for you, an email about the cat's well-being will come across as quite lame, needy, so continue to fight the urge.

I know she has to understand on her own. The question is will it ever happen?

We don't know. And the hardest thing to accept is that there's nothing WE can do to make THEM understand anything. They might, they might not. If they don't, it won't be because we didn't say something. We have to accept that we have no control over something that is so important and obvious to us. This is one reason why we suffer so much. But remember that many of our WAS left us because we exerted too much control, so letting go of something we can't control already plays in our favor.

[nit84]

Thanks for responding Mozza,

Oh, I know this process is long and tedious. I have been at it for 16 months now but DB for only a year. W just moved out 5 weeks ago that is the new twist to my Sitch.

You are correct in what you say about having to accept that we can't make them understand.

I am just in a moment of weakness currently. It will pass but I sometimes feel like, I should not be all forthcoming and pursuing, but at least drop a friendly "hey how ya doin" kind of email.

She was nice enough to email me about the death of a friends Baby. I knew about this situation somewhat before she contacted me but didn't know that it turned tragic. I responded very friendly and caring and kept on point but that was all. I was/am skeptical that that email sole purpose was to inform me of the tragedy but that is coming from the fact that I can't trust my W at the moment.

I guess if she wants to contact me she will

[nit84]

Mr Bond,

I was going through some threads and saw a response you gave in which part of it said "fix yourself and you will be able to get your M on track."

I totally agree with you on this.

I know all Sitches are unique but I am having a hard time at the moment because I believe I have changed(not done yet) a good amount and all my W does is ignore it.

I know I can't make her see the changes but it gets frustrating when one of the things, that was/is an issue in our M, is communication but my W refused to talk to me because she said I would get the wrong idea if she did.

I understand that this is how she has decided to approach the process and I have no control over her decision at all.

Now that my W has moved out the lines of communication, except for 2 emails, have been cut off.

I have been at this a long time and realize I didn't DB to the best of my ability. I had the best of intentions but was confused a bit on how and when to do certain aspects of DB.

Sandi, Wonka, Starsky, Yourself along with others have gotten me to understand a bit of where I have been going wrong and what I might be able to do to help my sitch.

I guess what I am asking is am I still missing something and what can I do from this point on if anything? Or because my W made a choice to move out is it now just a waiting game to see if she has a change of heart?

Thanks in advance for anybody's thoughts or advice.

[nit84]

To further explain my above post,

I am not quitting working on myself because my W has moved out.

I still am seeing a IMC and continuing to do some 180's to make sure they stick if my W does come back and GAL but no dating. I am confident that these changes have taken hold and have become 2nd nature to me for the most part.
It is a little frustrating though that I have been advised for my best interest not to fix up the house or even totally give it a spectacular cleaning. It is a lot better than it was a year ago before I moved back but there is more that could be done.

We are currently exchanging settlement proposals and I will be going back to lower the Spousal support now that W has moved out and has a job that is paying $13,000 more than she claimed at the 1st hearing. This part of the process is going to take awhile for the looks and feel of it. I still have hope but do feel that time is getting shorter to work on things.

I am moving on with my life as much as I can. Even at this point I would like to have my M work out just not sure what to do next.

[nit84]

Well, My L received a letter from W L basically saying we are too far apart and my W has decided to break off negotiations until we can go to court next June which is her 2 year S date.

My S date is May of this year so 2 yrs wouldn't be up till 2016.

Reading his responses to my L letter was pretty disturbing. I guess he is putting her wishes in writing same as my L is doing for me but I can't lie it stings a bit when it starts out with him saying W wishes to refute my claims because of such and such and is highly offended that I would try to insult her intelligence by proposing certain things. I am paraphrasing here but it went like this thoughout the whole letter.

I just wish that my W would talk a little to me leaving the L's out of it and maybe we can save ourselves both some money.

Unfortunately, My W has said about 3 times that she can't talk to me because it will give me the wrong idea. I have told her a couple of times that I can't and won't stop her from doing what she feels is necessary for her well being but we should at least be able to talk civilly about certain aspects of the D and understanding that we can agree to disagree without a world war starting.

We have had 2 discussions by my count about property distribution and the house. The first talk went relatively smoothly but she got upset when I showed her what I did at her request and the reality of numbers didn't add up to what she thought they would. The 2nd conversation was a disaster because it was confrontational when evidence of the OM was brought to light.

I still have the Spousal support hearing so that should be interesting.

I got some small bad new tonight. My Father will start undergoing treatment for Bladder Cancer soon. It should be no problem according to the Doctors and a full recovery is expected but it still is a bit scary. I receive this news before I saw the correspondence from W's L and I was mulling over whether I should inform my W of the situation but now I know that I shouldn't.

An already bad situation has just gotten a little harder and then add my Father's health concerns and it is gonna get even more delicate.

[nit84]

New complication(?) to my Sitch and not sure what to do.

As I suspected from a few weeks ago that was my W OM significant other that was at my house.

The reason I know this is because she just left my house now.

She was very troubled and sad. She spilled what she knew about the A. I told her I had my suspicions about an A but until right now I had no proof.

She went on about how heartbroken she was that My W and OM were breaking apart both relationships especially theirs because of the children.

Apparently, This woman has confronted my W on a couple of occasions and my W was very arrogant towards her.

Apparently telling her that she was being intimate with OM and can't get enough of him. But OM keeps lying to this woman that nothing is going on and to "mind your business".

I told her it took great courage to come to me and when she left she said she felt better getting it off her chest.

I told her I feel for her children and hope things will work out for the best.

She said she will call me if she get any pertinent information.

I am not sure why I asked her this question but I asked. "Are you completely done with OM now that he is having an A with my W?"
She responded that she still loved him very much and they have a Family.

I Guess just by her showing up at my house I should have known this but it was a nerve racking time.

Don't know what to do with this info so I could use some advice.