Feeling stronger than ever

[mleigh4]

I haven't been around for a month, I can't believe how fast time goes by. I figure it's time to check in and update with a new thread. Again, thank you everyone for your support and encouragement through this journey.

It's been a year since bd. My S and I have been back home for almost 3 months now. Since being home, H and I have been forced to face our situation and have been proceeding with 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Overall, I feel settled and more in control of my reactions and level of patience. The best advice I have been given to get through this - let him go.

H still sleeps in spare room
H gives no compliments or affection of any kind

However, there have been changes for the better:

Lots and lots of talking about his work day and job
If I compliment any clothes, he wears them constantly. In fact he had to throw out a pair of shorts that I loved on him, they were just so him. So he went and bought a new pair
He is working on connecting with S
He comes home after work every day
Party nights are way down. The last arrival at 3:30 a.m. After being out with mystery friends Had me waiting up for him. I laid down a boundary that whether he likes it or not, he is married, that this is our home, and if he continues to disrespect me and our home that he should leave. He agreed his behavior has been in appropriate, so we will see how that goes.
H has expressed an interest in seeing our old friends
H asked me out to dinner for my bday and we had a nice time with S
H is suggesting projects in our home including buying furniture
H asked I listen to a song. It was about being lost and finding your way back. H has always been in tune to songs for their meaning
H suggested taking a day off work to spend with S and I while we are on vacation

My changes:

I have fully backed off. "Let the nonsense go" is my mantra. It actually feels good, I have learned how to work on controlling my anxiety from a great book my therapist recommended. I continue therapy, but talk about things less and less with family and friends. It seems to help my anxiety to not talk about things, but I do let people know things are going well.
I have started some gardening projects at home
I am back to enjoying making delicious dinners and nesting in my home, with no resentments
I have no expectations and continue to keep my guard up
I surround myself with good friends who love me
I focus on S and spending quality time with him
I have stopped snooping. However I did put a retainer down on a PI. I have had it set up for a month but have not been able to bring myself to make that call to have him followed. I'm not sure if I ever will. My only reason for the PI was to find out who the mystery friends are, and if an OW is part of it, but with all the positive changes in his behavior, my suspicions are fading. I will let this one play out a little longer for now.
I have fully accepted that I have no control of H or our situation

So overall, I feel good about my changes in myself. I still have work to do but I feel I am on the right path and really getting a hang on this MLC behavior and how to keep harmony in our home.

I think H still has quite a ways to go. I am not sure if he has really looked at himself and the part he has played in this. The reason I say that is because in every R discussion, he reminds me that he feels this way because of so many years of neglect from me. But he doesn't seem to care WHY I felt that way or what brought on my withdrawal. I don't see us being able to move on without BOTH of us realizing our mistakes. I worry that he is sweeping things under the rug and slowly moving forward again, but I really feel he needs to keep working on himself first. I can't believe I am saying that, for a year all I have wanted is our life back. And we seem to be heading that way. But if he doesn't realize and work on his part in this, things will go right back to the way they were. And I already know that life doesn't work for us. Not sure what I can do, if anything, about that

[job]

mleigh,
Mlcers tend to think "out loud". Right now, he still thinks the issues were because you neglected him. Listen and validate, but do not argue w/him. This is his perception of how things were. Yes, there may have been times when this may have been true, but he could have voiced his opinion and the both of you could have found a way to work things out, i.e., either by talking, taking time out for each other or going to MC.

During this time, he's going to say a lot of things that either are true or are Memorex. At some point, the fog will gradually begin to lift and his version of what took place may begin to change. Yes, he's got to continue working on himself. He may attempt to sweep things under the carpet, but eventually the broom and dust pan will need to come out and those issues will need to be visited and then discarded. He's not there yet.

He's got a ways to go, so let him be. Continue as you have been. Dig for more patience and live your life to the fullest. Okay?

[Atsbaby]

I'm new to all of this, but it's so nice to hear when someone is having success. I know it seems like it took this long to get here and even longer to where you want to be, but you are doing a fantastic job. Keep going and be strong for you and your S.

[mleigh4]

Patience. You guys are not kidding when you say this journey will require all the patience you can dig up. H and I continue having some good R talks. They have been talks, not fights, which is a great change for us. But they continue to be H doing the blame game. He continues to blame his feelings on my neglect. I do validate, always, and let him know I am looking at my parts in this and working on making changes in myself to be a better partner. Now, he is acknowledging my changes, but says he doesn't feel they are genuine changes.

I am listening to you Job, I know he is looking at things in his own way. It may be against the DB rules, but I had to remind him to look at his own part in this, and until he does we will not be able to move forward from this.

I continue to dig deep, oh so deep. I worry though, I am running out of fight, running out of motivation. I feel myself starting to feel the way I did when I shut down with him before. I wasn't that far out of my own fog when he shut down, and now I've been thrown a year's worth of battle and fight, when I didn't have much left in me to begin with. I feel a little panicked, that by the time he comes around, I am going to be done. I know that is up to me to figure out, I am reaching out everywhere for that strength.

For the vets on here, do you think my H is at a point where he is starting to test me? He seems to be reaching out a bit, I definitely see signs that he is in this, and he is working on some minor changes to help keep the harmony in our home. But overall, he is the same person he was a year ago, still sitting in limbo land and not willing to look at himself for any changes. Is this part of the journey they go through, to test us to see if our changes are genuine before they work on theirs?

[job]

They will test you many times, sometimes in a subtle way. It is to see if: 1) you are still there for them and reacting to whatever they say or do; and 2) to see if your changes are genuine/real/permanent. This will continue for many months until they have completed their journey and have settled into their own skin again. That's why we say repeatedly on here that if you are making changes, make them for you, be happy w/your changes and above all else, make them a permanent part of your new life. You do not need to reassure him that the changes you've made are real/permanent...actions speak louder than words.

He is working on himself within. You can't see the work being done because there are not cuts or bruises on the outside, but the work is being done internally. I'm sure you are anxious for his crisis to be over and done with, but you have quite a ways to go yet. Patience! Dig very deep for patience because this is the hardest part of the journey for you. You are watching his every move, analyzing those movements and yes his words as well. Step back, give him as much space and time as you can. As long as you can listen, validate and be a friend to him at this time, he will continue to communicate w/you.

Turn the focus off your h and back on to you and your family. The healing process is taking place internally and until he's ready to move forward a bit more, you will not see a lot of change. It takes a lot of time for him to back up. Remember the old saying? "A watched pot never boils." This is very true w/the MLCer as well.

Step back, live your life to the fullest and allow him to come to you when he's ready to talk some more.

You are doing great! Stay positive!

[2BHappy]

Sounds like things are a lil better. I understand your feelings that your H is trying to come back but your worried he is not working on changes he needs to make.

It's important for the LBS to know what they need and want when/if they decide to continue in a R or M with the MLC.

This is something Im struggling with, but until my H actually brings up our M for some type of discussion or tell me he is working on himself and wanting to make our M better,,,I figure there is really no need for me to focus on the "what if" as it relates to H trying to come back...

[mleigh4]

Thank you for your responses, it always helps. I forget there is a lot going on in that mind of his. For years I didn't know how hurt he was feeling, so why would I know now? In reading Raine's post, she brought up several times that reconciliation was happening with no talk of it, just actions. My H is showing many positive actions, yet I get antsy and want to push him forward already and get on with this! But I need to find a way to stop myself, when I get that urge and burst of impatience. It actually annoys myself after the fact, I can only imagine how it makes him feel. He even told me last night, "I'm trying!" Ugh, I can be such a pain sometimes...... But learning from it.

Thank you again for the reminders!!

[tuff]

mleigh- just reading up on your posts and I find myself similar to you in many ways so thank you for posting your journey. I too got the "I just feel empty" speech which only came after I confronted him about why he was acting so distant to me -I don't know if he would have ever brought it up - I am sure it would have come out somehow but I just wonder. I also had emotionally shut down over the past years with the kids and I doubted my marriage enough that i started looking at ways to improve it - bought books, tried to talk to him but only got shut out - I knew our marriage was not in a good place but NEVER expected this. Our only communication is about the kids and mostly text messages - i waffle with just wanting it over with to being in it for the long haul but you have provided some encouragement for me. He still tries to "be nice" and do things like mow the yard - he offered to put tires on my car - I said no - just angry at the time and wanted to prove that I could manage without him. There have been several of those opportunities - perhaps I should start being nicer now that the anger is subsiding somewhat and allow him to do those things and try to show appreciation (it's just so hard). Thanks for posting your list of changes - I feel like I am so far deep into the madness I can't even think of the simple things to step back and evaluate my own progress - does that make sense? It's easier to see from someone else who has lived it and is going through it - I would be lost without this forum - convinced I was totally insane. Keep up the patience - it sounds like you are making some progress.

[Ssarah]

MLeigh you too give me hope. I'm only 4 months into this but am already doubting that my H will ever turn the corner. I know my H is having an A and that part stings the most. That's what always throws me off course and gets me to doubt that I'll ever make it through. He says he just needs to go out with his "friends" and that he can't stay home but I know where he is and who he's with and that's what I focus on. If you want my opinion (okay I'll give it to you anyway ;-)) don't go through with the PI unless you absolutely feel you have to. Looking back, the less I would know the better. The easier this would all be on me and the stronger I'd be. With everything new thing I find out, I get knocked down and depleted. And really, those things happened and I can't change them so if I plan on standing I will have to look the other way regardless so why know. If you decide your heart isn't in it anymore then all those secrets help you rationalize why you didn't give it a chance, otherwise they serve no purpose. I guess that's why everyone tells you not to snoop and only focus on you and the kids. That's the only way you can get through this in the long run. Now if only I could take my own advice :-)

[mleigh4]

Tuff and Ssarah - thank you for the encouragement and advise. It helps so much when we get this

A mental note to myself. I feel like a year through the journey, the dust is starting to settle. I envision this tornado like spinning on BD that lasted a few months for me. Then I moved out, moved back in, have had some unsuccessful R talks.... But when I stop the talks, step back and let life happen, it literaly feels like the world slows down and the dust settles. If I blow up, nitpick or try to talk, it's like kicking the dust back up. Things are beginning to look a little clearer for me. To be continued......

H has been doing a lot of shopping lately, but it's all home shopping for home improvement projects. He also has thrown in presents for me, S and the dog! Looks like he plans on sticking around?

I have noticed in the past week that H gets real close to me while in the kitchen, sitting, walking past. No physical affection or anything, just a closeness. So I decided to test the waters last night. While walking past him, he was leaned over, so I casually touched his back while I walked past. We were talking at the time and he kept right on talking, but didn't seem bothered by it.