Here is a little about my sitch. I am new to the board so bear with me. M15 T17. S10 and S13. I am 41 she is turning 40 in 20 days. 3 weeks ago W came to me and told me she wanted out. I got the ILYBNILWY speech, the I married the wrong person speech, the we will both be happier this way speech. We talked and we decided we needed to sell a few of our rental properties in order to pay down enough debt to make it financially feasable to have 2 households. We have agreed to work through the D respectfully and that we both want what is best for our children. I immediately started research and ended up with DB. Before I ever got the book I started doing 180s and acting as if. I snooped and found a new EA and immediately confronted. She agreed to stop. I snooped again and she again agreed to stop. I vowed to not spy anymore and I have not. I know the EA is ongoing, and infact OM has been to my house. The boys and I are active at the county fair and we camped there for a week. W came in on show days and left. As I was parking the camper I saw tracks in the dust that were obviously from a motorcyle. She said her friend was there with another OM and that her OM was there too. I accepted this and the next day asked for boundaries. The boundaries are no phone calls from inside the house and OM is not to be at the house again. She would not agree to my suggestion that she not communicate with him at all while at home. Any suggestions or comments on this sitch? I teeter back and forth emotionally. Initially her move out was when 2 of the 3 properties sell. Then we set it at 11-1-14. We set this firm date because she felt trapped. We have been to MC together and are going separate this week. First marriage for both of us, we both are professionals, and her summer off is coming to an end in a week. Then she goes back to work.
Thank you. I have read DB and ordered DR. Currently I am 180ing a lot of things in my life. Being more open, more helpful, and available. With W still at home I have not started LRT. We are still in the same bed, however she has stated that she would be more comfortable in another room. We cleaned out the other room and were basically in the truck to go get a new mattress when she had a change of heart. That was 2 days ago.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
I am currently struggling with setting boundaries. We agreed on all but one with the OM. She agreed to no phone calls in the house but would not agree to no communication while in the house. As I work through this, I am slowing coming to the conclusion that I cannot accept it. Currently I am being a "doormat". Accepting everything she throws at me. I am searching for a way to start making a stand. What does anyone think about this: We are cooperating very well right now re: splitting assets, talking about kids, and daily routines. She has even asked me to help her start looking for a place to live. Initially I said no, but 2 days later I backslid and told her what I thought were the best resources. We live in the country so rentals are hard to find. I am contemplating the following: I want to tell her that I cannot continue to help and support her with the split as i have been because her A is causing stress in her, stress in me, and confusion with the boys. To make the story even longer, I confided with my parents, who then talked to my brother who then talked with the friend she has been confiding in. This friend also has OM and W blew up on me last night because mom talked to brother who talked to friend. She was afraid friends H would find out and ruin their marriage. Do I let the dust settle on this, thinking maybe it caused her to see how much damage could potentially be done?
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
First let me say that I am sorry for the situation you are in. It sounds like there are lots of questions that need to be addressed. I strongly urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting coach as soon as possible. There is much that can be done. Call me to discuss our coaching program. 303-444-7004
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
We had a pretty serious talk last night. Still in the same house and same bed. For 15 yrs we did most of our talking as we laid down for sleep. Last night she was angry and emotional. S12 turned S13 today. I know this has been an issue for her. So, as we discussed the days events, and the plans for tomorrow it turned more emotional and more about our R. She pushed my buttons and I reacted. I told her that I didnt think I was going to be able to handle helping her the way I have been while her A was creating so much stress on all. I reaffirmed for her that I knew the reasons she was leaving and that I knew her memory of the last 15 years was negative and would continue to be that way. After she vented and attacked and blamed she calmed down. Her last words before drifting off to sleep were " I know I need to end the A but I cant bring myself to do it, and you cant force me to do it." I agreed with her and validated her feelings. This morning I feel better because I have finally stood up for myself.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
Does anyone have any information on abandonment issues? My W was feeling stuck again last night, even though her parents and my parents have offered us money to pay off vehicle. (backstory: financially cant afford another place until $600 car payment is gone; it was her idea to stay until commercial real estate sells to get that $) I assured her that she was not stuck and that she had 3 options, none of which she accepted. She just wants to feel stuck and blame. So, I (unfortunately) wondered out loud if she could go to her mom and dads while the boys and I stay at home. She wants me to have the home, its part of my families farmstead. She said that was abandonment and she was advised she could never leave the house without the boys. I offered to sign papers saying whatever she wanted them to say to prove it was not abandonment. I then asked that if she left WITH the boys, would that be considered kidnapping and neither of us could come up with an answer. It was an honest question and not sarcastic or filled with anger. We had a 5 minute conversation about it and could not clear it up. I guess W and I are both naive and curious as to how this all works.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
Things have calmed down a little since Tuesday and I have done better about not talking about OR or OM. I have decided that since I have my boundaries established and she seems to be accepting them, I MUST stop fixating on OM. We have been to the counselor together and as individual now, and we have consulted an estate planning attorney that is going to help us transfer some assets to our S10 and S13. I am continuing to work on my 180's and acting as if. Tonight is going to be tough because I will have too much down time and have been struggling to control my thoughts and maintain a PMA.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
Ok, I'm no vet, but I've made a lot of mistakes in my situation. Slow down. Seriously, slow down. It's only been 3 weeks since Monday, not even a month. If you have decided that you're going to stand for your marriage and are going to try to use Divorce Busting to make this happen, awesome.
Read the books, read the forums. I wish I'd been here as early as you.
Ok. Get on the 180s. Make the priorities the ones that address issues she has pointed out having a problem with. Try to remember the guy she fell in love with.
GAL. It'll help you maintain patience.
Don't be so helpful to her in making the divorce happen. Let her face the reality she's creating on her own.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
