tonight has been awful and interesting at the same time, someone keyed the word b*tech into my car, and the only person I wanted to go to was h, he tried to buff it out, will have to go to a panel beater to get it taken out, I'm fairly shattered as I have no idea why anyone would do that to anyone, regardless of how you feel about them so I broke a cardinal db rule and was a blubbering mess in front of h and at that point I was too shocked to care.
The upshot is that we finally got to talk, for the first time in a long time. He was honest about how he'd been seeing the ow, and it was longer than what he had originally said, which I already knew, and that I knew he'd gone away with her over the weekend, that when he'd texted me at 2 in the morning, they'd had a fight and his first response was to go and gamble...mmm awesome start to a r. we talked about d, and again he says he hasn't even thought about it at this point, which is lip service I know, we talked about his super and like I said to him, I have my own, his super goes to our boys as would his life insurance. He at this point is in deep, and all I can do is keep moving forward, at least I felt like for the fist time in a long time there was honesty.
I don't think even she would be that stupid, and it was just nasty, I thought it might be some random idiot who I rebuffed out one night because I wham not interested in 'hooking up' but this to me smacks of a female...and when I do find out, and that's the only advantage to living in a small country town, you always find out, it's game on! my biggest concern is that my s7 can read and he knows that word, how awful for him to see that and wonder why.
and yes definitely interesting conversation, a lot more to it, but the general gist was there, and I will keep on keeping on, making me better and the woman any man would be a fool to leave.
After a sleepless night I am questioning everything, how do go forward with and how involved in the ow. do I ditch all that I do for him/kids ie looking after them on his days while he works, I do enjoy the activities I do with them such as playgroup on Mon mornings and swimming on wed mornings. do I tell him that it's pointless to continue family night because all it really seems to be is either one of (depends who has the boys) turning up, eating dinner, bath the twins, they go to bed, readers wwith s7 and then the one of us leaves. do I stop doing the washing for boys and him, and I know that sounds like I need a 2x4, I do get paid to do it, and I'll take the money! I am so confused, I was doing really well, and now I feel like I'm at the beginning again, maybe h is gone for good, maybe I should have just given up when he did.
Today was a better than good day, I was booked out with clients all day, one after the other, kept my mind focused. H texted general stuff throughout the day, asked how my day was going, nice easy stuff. He changed his Fb profile pic to one I'd taken of him and tagged him in ages ago, it's a great pic and I told him so, also interesting to note that his wedding ring is highly visible in the photo, and I like that he still chose to use it. I think becoming his friend again is a great start, no expectations. His r with ow is at this point, his business, I can't change that, and I can't give it and more of my head space, watch out for myself and our boys. I don't know if that is correct dbing, but it feels right for me today.
I think I just got fired by my therapist as a patient because she doesn't think that there's anything left in my marriage to save, and she doesn't think solution based therapy will/is working....
I have spent most of last night and this morning reading through other people's sitch's on here and I made note of the small stuff,, the small signs that the tide was turning in their sitch's, and I had a look at mine. I have noted that I am not so reactive to h himself, I vent more on here and to my best friend, I have become better at blocking out the negative and focusing on what is going right. I spend a lot less time crying (though I still have my moments) and when I do I do my utmost to keep it to myself.
Some of the small things: h listened when I told him one of the things that s7 didn't like was when he was with either one of at night after the twins had gone to bed, we on out phones Fb texting etc. H made a point of telling me last night he hadn't been on his phone at all while s7 is still up (as have I) 5 hats a great thing.
H sends a text at least a couple of times a week in the middle of the day just asking how my day is.
He has started to do small physical touching things, a hand on my hip as he walks past, a rub on the back, an arm squeeze.
He sends a text/ photo of something the kids are doing or something he found (a lizard in his kitchen the other night!)
last night was family night, and it went well, we had a bit of a dance in the kitchen before dinner with the boys and they loved it, it was light and fun and family!
while the boys were in the bath, H said the we're sone days that were harder than others missing his dad, and I said while I n know how much I missed his dad, I can only imagine how hard it would be for him, this led in to a convo about his brothers and how one only rings him when he wants something and the other is not talking to him at all, I agreed with him that I knew how hard it was and then h pushed me about whether I knew why the one wasn't taking to him, and I simply ssad it's because he feels hurt that h lied to him about the a, that his brother had the same thing done to him and I thought it bought up a lot of issues for his brother.
H then got defensive, I De escalated (huge for me I usually go straight into drama mode!) and said if he really had problems with the way his family were acting then he needs to tell them, deal with or truly let it go. It was at that point h said that he didn't care that he was pretty content right now. bit of fluffery on his behalf, if truly content, these things wouldn't even be mentioned.
As h left( and knowing he's meeting up with ow) gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek and said have a great night, cheeky I know, but it's still a 180 for me, and I know that has started to notice that change.
so this is where I am, I'm going to continue doing what I'm doing, I'm a helper by nature,II'm going to do what I can to be there with out compromising who I am and what I need to do.
Just saw my first confirmation of H's r with the ow, one of her friends posted a pic of a bar sign warning about pda's, ow and h were tagged in it. I feel very confronted right now, and he commented on the post, It hurts to think that all the people I'm friends with and he's also friends with will see that I feel like a dead set fool right now, again I so want to be m to my h but how do I get past this?
I feel like a dead set fool right now, again I so want to be m to my h but how do I get past this?