I'm sorry Wet. What a tough conversation. You seemed to handle it well. You validate and support her thoughts, but don't show her that you are disgusted by her decision. Maybe she's testing your reactions?
Keep focusing on a fun weekend with your s12!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Wet, it's baffling the unthinkable, and often immoral things they talk about and plan, as though it's a completely rational....no... Genius ideas.
I don't know how you managed to keep it together when she told you her photog idea.... Wow. But to stop yourself from reacting and then change subject and turn focus onto the next thing.... Outstanding!!! (insert round of applause audio track here)
This quote was from my first thread from job (unparalleled wisdom and experience):
Quote:
BTW, your h will become the exact opposite of the man you knew, i.e., as I call them...the mirror image of former selves. Do not rely on him for anything, as he will most often not to show up at appropriate times or do what you would have "expected of him pre crisis.
Live your life to the fullest and detach as much as you can.
I thought of this when I read your posts with the football papers, and the new photog plan....yikes.
When I read this from job on my thread I thought, yeah, ok, I've seen that opposite thing. I've seen the failure to follow through or meet at the agreed upon times... I thought I got it.
I sooooo didn't. I still don't yet....
Not sure if this will help in your sitch or not, but I can at least offer how I relate.
After I thought I knew and saw it all (bwahahaa, silly newbie)..... It got weirder. It still keeps getting weirder. The things H says and does now are nothing like he was. They are bad ideas, undeveloped plans, rude, selfish, impulsive.... But he has to learn what won't work all on his own. <<<<< just a head's up that the online dating photog plan could turn crazier, as will other "ideas".
AND I HAVE TO LET GO AND LET HIM. ----sorry. I have to say that loud to myself over and over and over sometimes. I digress.
In the past, I would have, so critically, inserted my opinion, welcomed or not..... Into all of his plans and ideas. Judgment. Attempt to control. Who knows. I just thought I was helping and that I knew better than he did about certain things. I didn't realize it wasn't helping, it was adding to his already low self-esteem. <<<< You seem to have a good grasp on the space and learning she needs already.
A Big 180 for me now is to just listen, and validate the emotion. Not invalidate or even address what I perceive as a stupid plan.... But for example, point out the enthusiasm he has for it. "Wow. You seem excited!" "You've really worked hard!" "I can tell you've really thought about this". Notice I don't necessarily agree . <<<<this is where ours may be opposite. I loved reading she noticed your tight shirt and weight loss. Nice!
But remember they will say and do things that you can't imagine, and you can't make up. It won't make sense. It is shocking. It's their body and voice, but not the same person controlling the actions and words. It's a mind-f¥(k for sure. Don't get lost in their delusion. Their world will not make sense in the way our world does.
The "detach detach detach detach" we keep reading is imperative.
ALSO-----INTENTION IS EVERYTHING. I chose to learn and do the above 180s, validating, listening, NOT as a strategy to get my H back. This is MLC. It is every bit the marathon they all said. I have too far to go to know whether having my H back is something I will even want.
These are things h complained about me that I want to change because I want loving relationships in my life with all of my family and friends, and this can only make me better.
Whether or not I'm back with my H or a different man enters my future, I really like being this way. It feels so much happier inside.
And it keeps me from dwelling on his antics
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
Wow, Shining, great post. I hope I can get to where you are at SOMEDAY. The ability to detach, listen and have appropriate validating comments is really hard. I thought I was good at the active listening part before, but I am humbled by my inability to now do this with my W. And thanks to you and Atsbaby for believing I handled the encounter well.
One idea that I am struggling with. I pray for my W. I worry about her salvation, the trap of the night lifestyle that she is in. And I pray for healing of the pain of her childhood and an unkind father and cruel classmates who would never let her believe that she is beautiful. But it is really hard to detach while I'm praying for her throughout the day. But at least it is a healthier thought process of her, than just wanting to be with her.
Aahhhh, but you ARE getting there. I can see it:).
Seeing the one you love behave the complete opposite of who they were is painful.
If you have to feel the pain anyway... you might as well learn from it. I believe the lessons I'm learning are no coincidence. If I missed these lessons earlier in my life, I won't miss them again! This hurts! My eyes are wide open and I'm paying attention.
The alien-strange-behavior stuff hurt to see, but it made it easier for me to detach. It was clear this was not the man I stood with at the alter. MLC-H eyes are dead. Remind yourself she is in there, but not making these decisions at you or toward you or because of you at all. She isn't capable of even thinking that much about anyone or anything but herself right now. She simply can't. So it isn't you. She's just very lost.
One of the most loving things you can do for her, is to detach, take care of yourself, and stay out of her way. Be the lighthouse. Learn the dance she needs, the balance of reassurance and distancing.
The hope is that one day, she will work through her past and get there.
Keep praying. It works. I have felt God's presence in my worst moments. I would never tell someone else how they should pray, but I will share that for me, when I stopped praying for specific things to happen, and instead prayed for forgiveness for myself and everyone who hurt me, pray for happiness for everyone, (and I mean everyone), and for God to help me with my pain, there was a huge shift. He carried our pains for us already. And, I had to learn to stop trying to make things happen the way I think they should (selfishly), and trust that things will work and be how He has planned.
Knowing that helped me. I know the man I married would never try to hurt me. He is lost and only has enough energy to find some desperate way to make his own hurting stop. Or, this is truly who he is, and I didn't marry that guy anyway. And I wouldn't want to.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. I let the snooping bug bite me this morning. I checked out W's emails. She is still on at least 2 dating websites, and for some reason this 27 year old guy’s email came thru from Friday night – he said W was a hard nut to crack, for not agreeing to go out with him. Blah blah blah. Then he wrote how he was fantasizing about her and he was coming up behind her, brushing her beautiful away from her neck… and more. Arghhhhh!
So the good news – she turned down a date with a 27 year old guy. Yay!. At least as of last Friday. But the bad news of course, she is still corresponding on the dating websites. And she is corresponding with 27 year old guys (21 years her junior). And apparently this guy thinks its ok to write explicit emails to her.
Lesson learned, I hope? Stop snooping! It only causes pain.
Push it away. Push ALL that NEGATIVITY away. It's not helping.
Stay in YOUR Lane...Life is better there, NO drama, NO more rejection. It's bad enough, don't make it worse. Guard your heart.
Imagine yourself at 5 years old, all cute and cuddly and loving and trusting and innocent. Imagine that lil Wet.
Now, imagine throwing that cute lil guy in with the lions at the zoo. Just pitching him in there like a toy for the lions to play with. That's what you did when you snooped. You fed that cute lil guy to the lions.
Don't do that!
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Oh LoisB, God bless you. I'm just so naïve. I really was thinking the best of my W. Here is what I was thinking this morning as I chose to snoop her email, (use a 5 year old's voice here, bc when I saw W on Friday and she was kinda nice to me):
"wow, my W likes me. She said I was looking skinny. She gave me a hug! Maybe she's moved on from dating other guys most nights of the week, and having more going on than just those dates. Yeah, maybe she's all better now. I'll just pop into her emails and see that she's moving on with her life. I'm sure that her life isn't that bad now." Ughhh.
It's just like venom to my soul seeing that bad stuff in W's emails. LoisB, I like your analogy of a 5 year old child and a lion's den. I will try and think of that next time I am tempted to snoop. But who am I kidding, I am still tempted to see what her profile is on this other dating website. But after exercising (nothing like another man describe his fantasy about my W to rev my heart up for some good exercising!) and your post, I think I can stay away from more snooping this afternoon. Thanks.
Her actions didn't show you that she was "waking up". She was just being nice, not being the woman you are married to.
You need to keep that spotlight on you and your kids. I know it is hard, I get it. You don't want who your wife is being right now. So you don't need to even think about moving towards her until her actions are in line with yours.
You are making progress in your life. That has got to be an incentive for you to keep on this path.
Hang in there. kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Kat and Lois are giving you good advice Wet. Don't snoop this afternoon, tomorrow, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday .....you get the idea!
I've been fighting this bug also. When my H started this 3 years ago, that's all I did and it hurt like he!! to see that he was talking to OW when I was available to talk with him.
Yes I have some curiosity to know if there is an OW now, but I have to detach and move on. H has chosen not to have me in his life for now and I am showing him respect and privacy by not snooping (but I want to ).
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Ladies, thanks. Kat you are so right. I want to see hope where there is none coming from W. I get it.
So I staid away from more snooping - Atsbaby, it does help to hear that others have the same struggle. I had a wicked game of nerf skipping with s12 in the pool. And we are watching a great end to the PGA golf championship. A good day with son.
W told me she is gone all day, and that I should drop off s12 at her condo at 8 pm. Then she called me to say that she would be home even later after 8, and that I should just drop him off home alone (I hate that.) But this is the life I have today - accept it and detach. It should be a great week with D17 coming home and I should hear back from one of the jobs I applied for. Blessings on all of your weeks.
. <<<<this is where ours may be opposite. I loved reading she noticed your tight shirt and weight loss. Nice!