Old dog seeks new trick 2

[Ggrass]

Numbers, how many jobs have you Applied for?

Focus on what you want! Move in that direction.

Tick off that list of things you think you can efficiently change the dynamic.

[Old Dog]

Just the one so far GG. Before all this happened. I didn't feel safe enough to look for more afterwards I felt I needed a bit more stability first.

What do I want? I want to overcome my fear of failure. I will ask my counsellor to help with this next week as I won't be able to focus on my own in case I fail at it.

I will try some of the '101 ways to score points with a woman' from Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Going dark and minimal interaction even though I'm being super busy, cheerful and more engaging with the kids just seems to be playing into her let's stay friends scenario.

[Old Dog]

What a terrible day. I feel so alone, frightened, exhausted, useless, worthless and everything else that goes with the territory.

W is doing better at detaching than I am it seems. She's off again this weekend and next weekend (with the kids) and the one after that as well I think though she hasn't sprung that on me yet. I really am a LBS.

People will no doubt say hang on in there. Well there is no other option if you're alive - I'm not considering the dead option. After 10 weeks it feels like week one again. Where's my PMA? Why am I reverting to this?

I hope I can sleep tonight. Tomorrow is a new day. Professional help needed. Oh and a backbone.

[Wet]

(Not so) Old Dog, I'm sorry that you are having a rough day. Yes, "hang in there". Remember, every separated spouse believes the other is having the time of their lives without us. It's never true, there must be some depression going on with the choices they are making. But the mask will always be up around us. Keep the faith!

[Ggrass]

Except for those that stay alone we come to the point where it's not fake anymore as we have not made those choices that cause shame and guilty feeling.

We tend to work on our selves and we waken up a bit.

[Old Dog]

It's tomorrow and I feel more able to cope: this stuff must be cyclical.

I posted a while ago something I found that my wife had journaled "you can fill you life with folk, Hollywood movies and meals out - but at the end if the day you're left with loneliness". It was 6 weeks ago though and I don't think she's quite in the same place but maybe it is a mask. There are two new DVD boxes lying around at the moment as evidence.

If you're reading this W, it's never too late. Talk to me. I love you with all my heart and will do my utmost to be a better husband to you if you let me.

Also, if you are reading this I would like to apologise to you for not 'listening' to you when you said how hard it is and how tired you are looking after the kids alone during the week when I'm at work. You documented your day, explaining how full it was, but I didn't 'listen'. In fact every time I came home I used to wonder what you did all week as the house is always in a mess. I never complained about it but instead used to get busy trying to fix things. I'm sorry I didn't 'listen'.

[LisaB]

Hi Old Dog, just want to echo what others were saying about your W seeming like she is doing great going about her life. As you know I am struggling with that too, wondering if the S is out having a great time while I am sad and suffering.

But there is a good chance that the WAS is keeping busy running from feeling sad, lonely, depressed, guilty, confused. I know my H thinks I look busy and happy. About 50% of the time I am, but I do my best to hide that other side! I know they do too. I know he feels horrible, and all his dating, partying and other activities are just attempts to drown those bad feelings. Maybe it will work...?

Glad you are feeling more able to cope today. Me too. Good luck!
Hugs, Lisa B

[Old Dog]

Thanks for that Lisa, it really helps. I'm glad you are having a better day today too. Sometimes reading about so much misery is a bit of a downer. I'd like to help more but I feel such an amateur. At least I can do positive reinforcement from time to time.

I wish my wife would just change her mind. We have followed the classic WAW syndrome to the letter without realising, if only she would read up on it, she might recognise our situation is not so bad. On bomb day she said it was really hard for her to see me so upset as she had the power to change it, but couldn't as it wouldn't be right. Something like that anyway.

I am absolutely hopeless at remembering what people said. She can reel off what I'd said 10 years ago about something, but I struggle after 10 minutes. It's not that I'm not interested or don't care. It would certainly help me in this situation where If I could remember everything she said about why she is doing this. Obviously I'm not clueless, but the exact words would be nice.

No matter, I will continue my own journey of enlightenment. I have started reading 'feel the fear and do it anyway' I hope* know this will help me in my quest to be a better person all round.

* FTFADIA says use 'know' instead of 'hope' :-)

(Not so) Old Dog xx

[LisaB]

You seem like a smart dog to me! We just have to keep on moving ahead one day at a time. One hour at a time... It will get better I think. I hope. I know!

Maybe you are lucky you can't recall every word she said, I wish I couldn't remember the hateful and horrible things my H said as we were splitting. What an A@@HOLE he was. Hence my realization in the past day about how it would be really hard to forgive and reconcile.

Have a good, strong day!
Hugs, Lisa

[bashy]

Heh old dog. I'm the same as u. I can barely remember 10 minutes ago yet my WAW forgets nothing. Hang in there bud. I'm thinking of you!