3 months after BD, the roller coaster ride hurts

[devotee]

I finished both DB and DR. I try and apply many of the techniques daily. Really trying to 180 lately.
Therapy has been going ok. H says he's only ready to give me friendship, that he's not "in love" with me and isn't sure he can ever trust me again. It's so hard when I know I'm not in the wrong and he's seeing things through MLC tinted glasses. But I try and not let it get me down. I have been managing my anxiety attacks better and remaining a lot calmer. Hoping to book myself a massage next week.
Worst part of week was H deciding he would not go with me to my parents house for Thanksgiving and Xmas. My family is so sad and hurt over this.

[devotee]

I'm in a "give up" phase right now. There is no way to describe to someone how it feels to have your soulmate act like you're "just a friend". I had a terrible fall last night after the club. Fell on my face and split my chin open and got step road rash across my collarbone. Husband didn't seem to really care as I went to bed and couldn't stop shivering and shaking in my state of shock. He gave me a few pitiful rubs on the arm which seemed forced.
This morning I asked him nicely to go get me bandages from the store and he did. But he wouldn't show affection, even when I asked for it. So distant. I miss the days of my knight in shining armor that would move the world to make me feel better. This roller coaster is so hard. He shows so much promise one day and is ice the next. Yes I realize I'm focusing on him and need to stop. Just venting and trying to muster myself to detach. I can't do much in my own this week with my injury... No park, gym or bike rides. Just lying on the couch hurting by myself. Guess I'll find a good book to read.

[JohnJC]

I just caught up on your thread, Devotee. I have also been on the other side of the roller-coaster ride (until my wife moved out, now its just anger and coldness) and it's a pretty horrid place to be. It keeps one completely off balance all the time and makes any work one wants to make on oneself or the marriage incredibly difficult.

Giving up is a hard choice to make. I have children, so it may be a little easier for me not to give up as I have reasons beyond myself to try to renew (re-do?) my marriage. Its a tough choice, and all I can do is wish you my sincere best wishes on that decision.

I truly hope you find what you are looking for and some peace on your road to get there.

[devotee]

Thanks, I understand children make a huge difference. Your choices affect them as well whereas most my decisions only impact me.

He's on an unprovoked two day drinking bender. Ignoring me except when I faked him for help setting up my new phone. He wasn't much help since he was drunk and frustrated with the phone. So still on old phone and sleeping by myself tonight. No panic attacks though, I'm managing to stay pretty even keel in my emotions during this bout.

[devotee]

H already said he will not be spending Thanksgiving and Xmas with my family. He's going to sit home and drink and watch tv. Classic passive aggressive... Trying to make me feel guilty while my family is begging him to be with us. They love him so much. His birthday is in the beginning of Dec. Not sure if he'll want to do anything with me.
This is such a depressing time of the year, for the first time in 18 years we won't be celebrating the holidays together.

[devotee]

I'm not going to get my hopes up nor mope about it. What will be, will be.
He goes to his first individual therapist session today. I'm sad it's at a time where he's very negative about our relationship... Not during a time when we're both hopeful together. But I know I can't control him, and that it's good he's finally agreed to try therapy for himself. Hopefully it will be a therapist that will encourage him to work on our relationship. Again, it's out of my control.
It's a massive snow day here today. Just resting and trying to heal up. Hoping the club I DJ at will tell us they're going to close for tonight.

[devotee]

Terrible terrible day. Had a MC session. Started with each of us talking to our therapist seperately for a half hour. Then we had a 50 minute session all together.
In my session I talked about the huge setback this week from H withdrawing and drinking. My therapist asked me to speak up to H about where we were heading.
In our joint session H made clear he wasn't backstepping and that his heart was still gone and nothing had changed. That therapy was our resource to make separating easier. That he didn't see us repairing our relationship and that he still expected us to only be friends and he wants to be alone.
I kind of went off the deep end. I felt lied to, manipulated, false hopes, stupid and angry. He wanted this therapy to separate, not rebuild.
It was a very bad session, me crying, speaking in anger. He said he wanted us to continue to be friends, I said we would just be civil roommates till we could sell the place. He seemed shocked and said he felt guilty. He thought I knew that's all he expected from therapy and that I was pretending to think otherwise. He said what next? I said go home and start packing. We would speak to each other civily but stop with the leading me on. No more affection, sex, rides to work, dates, lunches, movies. I felt I was speaking rash but I need to distance myself. I feel I need to hate him to fall out of love with him. This prolonged drawing out the pain is killing me. I finally felt like maybe a separation/divorce would be best since loving someone that doesn't love you is futile and torture. He wanted to drive me home after the session but I refused. I said I needed to get used to do things on my own.

The therapist asked if we'd like to continue MC. I said I wasn't sure and that it seemed hopeless since it was one sided (me wanting to try and him already being checked out). I will continue my IC for sure.

It was funny because H mentioned that as soon as I distanced myself and moved on from him he'd probably want me back and then I wouldn't want him. I wanted to say: exactly... that at that point I wouldn't want him back but I held it in. So mad right now. More anger then sadness. I'm still injured so I don't see myself packing today. Took some Xanax and think I'll take a few hours of well deserved pity time and catching up on TV shows. How perfect that this breakup will be happening during the holidays.

Am I right to just cut him off? Should I give it time and see if he changes his mind again? Do I apologize for my rash words and decisions at therapy? Am I sabotaging all the progress I've made by allowing this past week to end us? He wants it to continue as it was but more as friends as we sell the condo... This time with no sex or affection. I don't know if I can handle that. I'm kind of black and white.

[devotee]

I thought we were making progress. 8 weeks of MC and becoming closer than ever. We had a few setbacks but worked through them. This is like a second BD and hit me in the gut. I know I'm not supposed to have expectations but when most the signs are leaning towards progress and the beautiful intimacy and times we've been sharing these past few months went *poof*.
I'm trying to just give up. It's not in my nature and my gut still has hope or why would we have worked so hard and made all this progress?
I feel stupid even talking to my friends... It's difficult since I think they'll think I'm crying wolf since they helped me so much through the initial bomb drop. They kind of slipped away from me during these past few months because they thought me H and I we're working things out. Now this...

And just two nights ago my husband and I were both researching Sue Johnsons "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" to read together by recommendation of our therapist. Why would he agree to that if he was just going to therapy to help us divorce??? I am so confused.

We have to live together through the condo sale. I see that being very drawn out. I wish we had the money for him to get his own apartment right now. I can't handle being around him all day and night and trying to force myself out of love with him.

[Mozza]

I sympathize. Living together during separation is very, very difficult. It's such an emotional drain. And you had to face this reversal today -- though you did say a week ago that he only wanted friendship.

The split chin episode is very telling to me: he's checked out. He's indifferent. And you don't need to describe the feeling is disconnect from having a spouse turn into a stranger. I know it. I tried to talk about it with my W (long before DB...) and she looked at my plainly and said "It's difficult to hear. Don't you have friends who will discuss this?" It's almost impossible to understand them with our current feelings. We're at opposite ends of the spectrum.

To me, and I'm no vet, it seems like you're starting to do the right thing by putting your foot down. The thing with DB is that it can't be faked. You'll have to detach for real. That's when the magic might start to happen. That's where the true hope lies. But it will get worse before it gets better. Good luck and keep posting.

[devotee]

He has said for months he wants to start by us becoming friends again. But he didn't push for separation or divorce after we started going to MC. He even agreed we needed to have a therapist that was "pro-marriage". I didn't expect miracles or for him to fall right back in love with me. I just didn't think he would totally withdraw out of the blue and start talking about divorce after all this progress we've made.
The detaching has been hardest because I become weak when he shows affection and intimacy. I can't deny him it because I crave it so much. I wish he didn't live here so it would be easier to distance from him emotionally as well as physically.
I have been trying to do 180s. They kind of backfired this past week but I guess I still need to try them out a bit more?