Wife still in MLC but has now left #2

[AJM]

I should have read this first

We guess that’s better than leaking them out of other parts…

Now I have to go clean coffee off the monitor...

AJ

[Mighty]

Interesting, Shining. And well explained, too!

Matt-
Heather and AJ are right on. It may seem I am terribly "stuck" but there is a whole part of my journey that was not posted here. I was dbing from the months of November through July before I was bombed again. They were very different for me (I won't waste time now explaining how it was emotionally different), but the point is, I've been there. We all have. I can hardly watch tv, listen to radio, watch movies, even drive to certain cities, shop at certain store, yadda, yadda.... It is really tough, but we have got to find a way to get past that. I think it comes in bits as we further separate ourselves. BUT.......

Do you know what this means?? We have the opportunity to become so independent from that. We can truly find ourselves outside of someone else. When I was told that before, I thought, but I'd rather be with him. HOGWASH! I'm so serious, Matt. You have so much to offer this world- don't hold back because of her! You are amazing, compassionate, grounded, a great dad- think about what you have and focus on that!

When I think about h, I think about how sad his situation is. Not that I feel bad for him (although sometimes I feel that), but really, like who the heck would want to live like that?! Then I think about how he probably thinks about my life now- the same as how he left it, just without him. No way! I have the opportunity of a lifetime. Yes I am devastated about what happened to my family; my heart breaks for my children. However, I can stay stuck in that, or show my kids what life is all about. Yup, we were thrown a curve ball (to say the least). That happens in life. I can still show them how important family is, just like Heather learned. I am confident in that. My kids know I would never let them down like that. They have also relied on each other so much and become much closer. I am sure that wouldn't have happened if the circumstances were different. Your kids rely on you and know you are their rock and foundation. They are watching you (scary thought for me, sometimes).

I don't want that life my h leads, and I know you don't want the one your w leads either. They don't even know what they really want. Can you imagine thinking that throwing away your family is an answer to ANYTHING? No way, Jose! Remember, Matt, she is making these bizarre choices now. Your kids get it; they know it's absurd (which is good). You can't change it. I just think, "My h does not want me. Why would I want to be with someone who does not want me?" It's a tough pill to swallow, but it is reality. Accepting this makes it easier to detatch. If this is the life he wants, wow! I'd rather stay faaaaarrrrr away! I want so badly to try to figure it out. Well, not gonna happen. (Meet me on my thread as I try to figure it out. Haha!)

You are doing so well, Matt. I hate to see you down and let her actions affect you. Once the thoughts enter, remove her from them. Remember she made these choices, and you are much better than that.

If you could be with her right now and live the life she is living and act like a teenager, would you? What is more important? Being with her and compromising yourself by acting and living like someone you are not, or..... being happy with who you are and content in your life?

You'll get there, Matt. It's a tough road. Be true to yourself. It's not something the MLCer knows how to do. follow your own path, not watching hers.

Can you say... holy ramble..... sorry.

[Matt165]

Good morning everyone,
Thanks everyone, for waking me up a bit. Great post Heather, really helped put things in their place. You are all right, of course. But to know something intellectually is different than being able to put it into practice. It doesn't help that she left when I needed her income more than I ever have in the last 20 years. I'm not used to having to worry so very much about being able to make money. I joined the start up because I know that I can be so very successful given time and it would have allowed my W and I to have the money and time, in a few years, to do so many of the things we have always wanted. But as with any new business, it will take time to get there. Add that I haven't been at my best since my W started down this destructive path (it was only 3 months past when I started this new job when I got bombed) and that just added to the amount of time it will take. Her crap almost destroyed any chance that this business will ever work because I wasn't able to give it my all.

Funny my D19 used the exact same term as you to describe her mom, Heather. She said her mom is CRA-CRA. Heck, even her own friends think she is acting crazy! There are just so many things that I've had to do from the IRS audit which is just beginning, to having to deal with my W going back on everything she promised now that she has filed her decree. This is in addition to all the other things that just don't wait because my W has filed and I must deal with that.

I also think the fact that I haven't seen my D14 for almost 12 days since she stayed with her grandmother for a few days last time it was my turn to have her is bothering me as well. I haven't been away from her for longer than 2 weeks her whole life and to leave her where I know she is with a person I don't trust (even though it's her own mother) I think is really getting to me more than I realized.

You are right Heather, It's a brand new day, and I need to just get ready to see my D14 and make the most of what time is left before she must go to school. She only has a very few weeks and I want to do something fun with her.

Thank you everyone. I know I've been a bit maudlin the past few days and I appreciate the support to help get me through! I need to keep my eyes on the prize and make the most of this time. I will get through this and I will make sure my kids know that what my W has done by throwing away a family isn't what is right or normal. That the right thing is to work to keep the family together, to appreciate that family is important and not something you just throw away and pretend never happened. Time to put this down period behind me and start moving forward.

[Wonka]

Matt,

I know the grief process isn't always linear. It's best to unhitch your wagon from W's train wreck. Otherwise she'll bring you down as well. Not good if you are going to take care of yourself and DDs for a while.

You wrote:

It doesn't help that she left when I needed her income more than I ever have in the last 20 years.

No, you don't. You can and WILL figure how to bring in extra income. It is all on HOW motivated you are in seeking new ways to bring in more income.

I don't need Ms. Wonka's income. I've done just fine without hers because I had to TAKE CARE OF MYSELF first and foremost. I networked my butt off!

So can you.

[AJM]

Oddly Matt, this is a great life skill. One which you already possessed for many years. How to be at peace with yourself during times of difficulty.

Remember that it is not easy to wean the parent from the child. I know she's 14, but she's growing up faster than the older daughter. And believe me, both daughters talk to each other. They both know what their mom is all about. You can put that one to rest. They are already formulating plans on how NOT to be like their mother etc. I hope for them that's the case.

As for you, I suspect it's really the adjustment of your daughter growing up and being away from you. I know she hasn't been gone from you that long before and that you are a very protective father (and rightfully so). You're a bit raw right now. While that's expected, you have already noticed that knowing something and "knowing" something can be different.

Give yourself some slack. Let the Cra-Cra one go. Don't try to rationalize it or help or any of that. Focus on you and your job and your daughters. You'll need to do things differently, but that's actually a good thing, Matt. Doing things differently teaches the brain to work better. And it helps to bring you out of doldrums.

Your ex took a ride on the crazy train. Everyone knows it. There is not much sense in getting angry about it. Might be better to see the bright side - hey! No more crazy and you can instead be happier than you ever thought you could with a partner that is a true partner.

I get the anger, but I also get the joy, Matt. It just takes time to get from one to the other and along the way it's a little "rough" on some days.

Enjoy the week and understand that being betrayed comes in many forms. But there is nothing other than your ego that needs to be fixed in this case. The rest is just something to line up and shoot down. And you'll do it better than many, Matt.

AJ

[pbetra]

My gosh, I was emotional just reading all the lovely replies to you Matt! (am taking note for me too)

But they, the posters are right. I remember one day when my h. was dismissive & arrogant (not significantly long after the bomb). I had begun reading the suggested threads & links here. Some of the information here communicated that he wouldn't be in this mlc predicament had so many family issues not escaped 'their Pandora's box' & finally caught up with him in midlife. And then ... I thought if I feel occasionally tired & I am getting older (!) - do I really want to haul 'that' baggage into my old age? (esp. when I have to manage my own as well)

We don't know how we would feel in a few years from now or where life would take us. Putting this amount of energy into 'crazy' will only deprive us of resources we will need for ourselves one day. It's about depletion - & interestingly enough the mlcer would be no more stable it. It's their 'virus' - it has to run its course. You are a good man and now you must be good to you. Eveything else will eventually fall into place. p.

[pbetra]

Re: For better or for worse, for richer or for PORES? >> Just got a text from W about picking up my D14. She said we could meet unless I want to come over and get her from her home. (??) Why would she think I would want to go there? It's 20 miles farther. I don't get her. Oh, well. I better get ready. Thanks again Raine and thank your H as well!<<

Stay away from her. Remember she also has her 'entourage'. You 'don't get her' because crazy is hard to 'get'! Glad to hear that D14 is back!

[juliegayle]

Matt. Sorry to see you have had some rough days. You got some wonderful thoughtful advice. I know rhat intellectually you know what to do because you give others good advice. Step of the cra cra train and wave good bye at the station. It is much harder to do in our own situations. Start each day fresh and remind yourself that you are a strong capable parent and man and you can do this.

[Matt165]

Thank you all! You all have given me great advice and helped me gain strength. My D14 (and her little dog too) are back home. She stayed with me all night and we watched a movie together. Doesn't sound like much but when she's with her mom she spends her time alone in her room. Something she started doing when her mom took over the living room couch while she was still here. Now we can be together.

When I met my W to pick her up she hardly looked at me and was in a big hurry. Nearly ran back into her car when I put my D's stuff in. On, well. Didn't want to talk to her anyway and I was really wanting to get home and make dinner for us. (W never cooks meals. She says since D is 14 she can "fend for herself". I disagree!).

New week starts tomorrow and one of my partners has a plan to bring in extra revenue during the election season. Something new to work on, just what I need! Thank you all so much you have kept me going during some dark times!

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Matt,

From all your posts I feel we are on a similar path. We are both dealing with a severely depressed spouse. Is your wife on Anti Depressants? If she is have you looked up online the relationship between ADs and falling out of love? AnotherStander, who also posts to these forums has written as well about this and has a lot of insight as well. I would look up his posts and read through them.

I think the problem we both have as men is that we have known for a long time about our spouses illness and have tried to protect them like any husband would. It is very hard for us to step back and stop doing what we have done for so long.

I am dealing with many of the same behaviors as you are. Right now my wife can't handle any in person or verbal interactions with me. She is trying to distance herself from what she tried. She is laying blame all around for her actions. The kids see things and know their mother is not all right. They are not rushing to move back in with her. Eventually she may face her demons.

The best advice is to get knowledge. Learn as much as you can about depression. Learn as much as you can on the long term affects of ADs. There is a lot that the medical community dismisses. Unfortunately there is so much evidence that goes counter to what the medical community says. Knowledge will give you the strength to step back and have a clearer understanding of how she is acting and allow you to make good informed decisions for you and your daughter.