So last night she was TM about our son, I took an oppurtunity earlier in the day to thank her for always making arrangements, (dental appt that I volunteered to take the day off and take him - 180) and getting his school supplies and that sort of thing, just a positive, I know I do not think her enough. Later that night she returned the geture and thanked me for taking him to soccer, and asked me to give our dog a kiss on the nose as she missed him (When she left I made sure to find a place I could keep our dog, we had lost the other one just prior to the BD and my S was crushed) So I sent her a pic of the dog on the bed and she remarked that she was shocked I had made the bed, I told her that being cleaner (Big issue with her and I) was the first thing I worked on after our split ... and kept it light hearted and fun .. .something like "Don't be so shocked, I know you might think it was photoshopped but I assure you I make my bed every morning ) This morning I picked WAW and S up at the mechanic and we went to the movie, she told me S was sad about the dog we had lost last year ... a German Sheppard ... in his mind that dog kept our family together and once he died so did our family (She does not know he feels this way, and I haven't told her as I don't want the guilt thing to work against the sitch) so I get there and he asks me how much a GS puppy costs, I was happy and positive till that moment and just walked him outside as she was talking to the mechanic and talked to him, my heart broke a bit but I promised him one day we will get another GS, just can not do it right now.
At the movie I felt no connection, she makes a point to have S between us and I seen her phone had several TM on it ... I know .. no expectations, and no idea about the TM nor can I do anything about it .. but sitting there I realized how much I miss her, how many mistakes I made over the past 9 months and even before then, was hard not to be sad about it .. thankfully I could get away with it watching the movie .... after she still had 40 minutes till her car was to be done and offered lunch, I declined ( personal 180 for me .. detaching the best I can) ... told her I had things I need to take care of and wished them a good day, told them I would see them tomorrow morning at mass. Killed me but I did it .. baby steps ... not that I GAL ... just decided to come into work and catch up on a few things.
Bottom line today ... I just miss her and our family,... I didn't show it .. .but I do, I know I need to be patient and prayed for strength, hopefully I can get some sort of positive sign soon just to hold on to that sliver of hope we all seem to chase, for now I just wait, GAL, and pray.
Ok .. home after just going out and doing some things ... Thank goodness the DB book finally arrived, time to read read read and hopefully start turning my sitch around.
So WAW texted me pic of our S with his friends, I made a comment about our son looking so big, she complained her throat was killing her (her health has always been an issue and one ov ther reasons she told me she left) so I suggested she try some tea and honey, seems like she has a minor cold starting maybe but I just tried to be sympathetic .. she asked if I could watch S tonight so she could sleep .... kind of upset me as she told me she had plans tomorrow ( I assume with OM ) so I am looking at the phone like why would I ?? I typically would do this just to do something positive .. however 180 I told her I had plans with friends ( true but I could have easily taken S along) we will see how it plays out, our typical 8:00 call did not happen .. I TM at 8:30 and asked if he was calling ... she said "I thought you siad you were busy .. He is calling now" I talked to S ... on speaker as usual and told him I had a great day .. was tired because I just got home .... detach .. 180 .. baby steps
She just TM me this morning, said they just woke up,and she will get him ready, she said she will go to the later mass, I offered to go .. but then she said she was not feeling well.
Disappointed but I am going to take S as planned ... guess its for the best as much as I would like for us to attend as a family, seems wrong that she goes when she plans to be with OM later that day, thought maybe through God her fog would lift a bit... I am sure the guilt must be brutal. This [censored] .. but nothing I can do .. PMA and keep working on me in hopes she figures it out.
So, this weekend went well, not so much R wise, but me wise. I just feel good, I realized I need to let go of expectations ... which I did sitting at church. I picked up S and was not in a rush (180) partly because I have really focused on my issue with patience... and partly a blunder .. I typically go to mass Saturday evening .. thought it was at 9:30 this morning .. but was at 9 ... was a little late which I hate .. again .. did not let it bother me PMA was in full sail today. Went with S kayaking had a great time, WAW TM and I replied in short, sent some pics and she commented how happy he was. S7 and I had some talks ... turns out he looks at her phone and sees she texts OM, WAW commented a few days ago he is always asking her who she is TM ... she made the mistake of having OM around within a month after our sep .... I had no idea he was OM till 2-3 months after. She used "playdates" with his kids as a cover, something I was furious about after I discovered what really was going on ... I have since let it go but S7 is pretty smart and knows OM is not daddy. So I just told him he should not snoop in moms phone, and left it at that. This does explain his change towards her and the fact he prefers to be with me, not that I am without fault in all this ... just a tragic casualty in our situation, and one I hope she can somehow mend with him someday ..... I will however not speak a word of this ... no positive can come from it ... she most likely knows S seen the OM texts .. if not she should just be more aware. Anyways (had to let that out somewhere) .... so I have gone dark since ... not by choice, I washed my phone ... I did email her to just let her know there would be no call .... she finally emailed me back about an hour after he would have called asking if he was ok, I told her he was great as we had a terrific day and then promptly said good night.
When we got home I was reading the DB .... about half way in and looks like I am about to get to the nuts and bolts... the butterfly effect did touch a nerve, I know I have much more to learn and to go .. and it got me thinking about typing up my goals .. something I would have never thought of... I also think I may start a new part II thread as I just kind of dove in without the scuba gear on ... had no idea what I was supposed to do. And if I can see any shadow of hope for my M, some kind of progress and positive ... and a chance for R I am going to go for the counseling sessions. I have my IC appt next Sat, along with being invited to a 40th Bday party, Sunday softball prctice for the new season .. so GAL is in progress aswell
All in all , I feel better tonight, PMA and not all strung out on her and what she may or may not be doing.
I dropped off the S this morning ... I gave her all his uniforms as we discuseed plus some other items (I actually remembered .. this is a small but important 180 for me remembering the little things I was asked) .... she thanked me for the items. She has been fighting a cold/sore throat all weekend, and said she wasnt feeling well, I said goodbye to our S and told her I hoped she felt better and promptly excused myself. Little history about that exchange, over the course of her A .... when she was depressed/not feeling well/in the hospital I dropped everything and helped her, was like I mended her wing and once she was better ... felt like a thanks/screw you / and off she went. So me just wishing she was feeling better rather than hug her and console her was a HUGE 180, as I closed her screen door I seen the disappointment in her eyes, felt like [censored] .. but I know I needed to do this. I always helped her feel better, always there for her ... even in the most impossible circumstances that I am not going to air here. Been dark all day thanks to no phone, she emailed me around 9 asking when I would get my phone, and said she felt sick ... asked if S was with me tonight as she "was not feeling well nor thinking straight" I informed her it was her night and hoped she felt better again cutting it short. She emailed me later in the day asking if I could take him as she was leaving work early .... my impulse was to 180 here and refuse .... but she is sick and he enjoys being with me so I figured in this case he and whats best for him is more important than me DBing at the moment.
Dropped of S this morning, short exchange with the WAW, asking when I would get the phone. brief exchange and I cut it short and wished her a good day and told her I hoped she felt better (She told me she was working from home today)
Feeling like I am detaching, but really wish that I would see some signs here... I know .. expectations, patience, all that. I am about at pg 150 or so in the DB book .. I miss my family being together, miss her .. keep reminding myself this was not my choice and I have little say in the matter .. all I can do is focus on me and become better, some days this is easier than others. Still no phone .. focus on work and pray for some little miracles along the way.
I wish I could give some comfort. I find I am still holding on to the expectation that my H will come to his senses. It's hard to let that go of that and focus on the future without him.
I do not know how people with young children get through this. I have a lot of admiration for how you've been handling her irrational behavior. Not sure if I could've done it.
Last edited by Nitty; 08/12/1403:58 PM.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
It's because of the young kids we get through it. They need the best and proper us in order to feel like they are okay. I have 2 young D's, and Everytime I think I can't move on, they remind me that there are more important things to do.
I wish I could give some comfort. I find I am still holding on to the expectation that my H will come to his senses. It's hard to let that go of that and focus on the future without him.
I do not know how people with young children get through this. I have a lot of admiration for how you've been handling her irrational behavior. Not sure if I could've done it.
Thank you Nitty, it has not been easy and I have done/said things that I regret .. especially after reading here and the DB book ... but I can not undo the past, I can only focus on me, just wish I would have done it all sooner.
)