barely holding on - 2

[2Times2Many]

CaliGuy,

Thank you so much for sharing that.

2Times2Many

[u-turn]

Thanks CaliGuy,
That is very helpful - what a good perspective

[u-turn]

Just an update and questions about detaching:
Normal friday night dinner - pizza in the park with S20 & W
today - yard work and W wants to help.
It doesn't seem like being detached is actually different in many ways. It's almost like business as usual.

My weekend 180 is to not start any conversations about us. That's a tough one because it is so much on my mind.

She seems to be unaffected by this.
I'll keep it up.

[u-turn]

It's almost an exercise in stay happy and dumb because it doesn't cause stress at home and maybe someday she will see the light.
or
stay happy and dumb so she can continue on with living the double life because everyone is happy.

[sandi2]

So how long are you willing to live in an open M?

[u-turn]

Well there's the issue. I'm not willing to. But I am confused now by the DB method. Don't talk about our R. Act as if. Be the husband she'd be crazy to leave. But how do I fit stop the open marriage into that without slipping?

[u-turn]

I've got a question and I don't know how to handle specific situations yet.

So - W & I are having a normal and good day. Worked together in the yard, went to a quick lunch, plenty of small talk, we come home and she plants a big long kiss on me. not a peck, a kiss that wanted more. I kind of held back and wanted to say

"whoa - after not talking much for 2 weeks, this confuses me and is sending me mixed signals. What is it that you want?"

I went along with the kiss - it felt weird so I feel like I was a little cold. She then wants to go out tonight. I'd like to, it feels normal, but I'm always after the talk first. I know it wreck the day though.

So, is this what cake eating is about? Is this something that I should just go with? Is this something that I stop with a conversation?

A 180 would be to say that I don't want to go with her tonight.

Input?

[PeterV2]

Sorry I'm chiming in a little too late. I hope you went out with W and had a good time. I would have recommended it, but no R talk. If she wants to talk about your M then tell her no R until the A is over. (Sandi's advice - and it works). If she later starts talking about R, ask is A over. If not then say, then there's nothing to talk about.

Yeah could be cake eating. But going out with her and showing you best side can't hurt as long as conversation is kept light. Humour helps too.

[u-turn]

Well. All didn't go as originally planned. W saw on my face that I was unsure about going. Then it happened. She asked whats wrong. I should have kept quiet but I said "I'm unsure about going because of the mixed signals fro this week to today". Didn't go well after that. No concert. More talk.

I was a little ramped up because of a conv. Sandi and I were having on a different thread(sandi I hope you follow me over here. I really appreciate your words. And they helped me tonight).

Now I'm sure this is a backwards step. But I feel we weren't at a good starting point anyway.

I will check on the fallout in the morning I guess.

[sandi2]

You can not talk your way out of this. You can not talk this into a reconciliation. You cannot talk your way out of D. You cannot fix this by talking about the MR. So until you get TALKING out of your head, you will not make progress. You will continue to backside until you back right out the door!

So if you can't talk, what can you do? If you can't control her, who can you control?

You have to enter into a different mode of operation until the A ends and she is ready to make the M work. And when she is ready.....then you can talk (maybe).

This is the hardest part for the LBH to get in his head!