I am living with my WAW who I have been married to for almost 10 yrs and with whom I have a 7yr old son. They moved to North Dakota from CA in Dec 2012 and our problems started around Jul 2013 when W went back to work at a local factory where I was working night shift. W worked days; 1st affair started shortly after she started working; BD happened in Sept. W asked for separation, didn't tell me why; a little snooping uncovered hundreds of deleted TMs and I accidently caught her in unexplained absence from work. After confrontation, that affair ended but 2nd started soon after and continued for months and became PA at some point; this was confirmed when I discovered I had an STD... Confronted W with proof and she ended A; apparently OM#2 had been cheating on her too (imagine that!). That was around Feb this yr. Since then we have almost completely ended physical contact; I have little desire at this point to be with someone who has had multiple affairs. I suspect a 3rd OM but I have grown apathetic about trying to get proof of what I strongly suspect.
I would have left long ago yet we have a son and I feel that for his sake I need to make every effort to save what was at one point a happy marriage. When I ask myself honestly whether I still love my wife I do not right now. I feel like someone else is living in her body and the woman I love has gone on vacation. We talk and interact normally when we are together, which is rarely, and I have stopped trying to do R talks or talks about future, etc. I made a lot of mistakes in dealing with things up to this point; recently I have started just treating her like a roommate, which is what we are to one another anyway, and trying to be upbeat and avoid showing how this is affecting me. W has told me she wants to live apart; says that would be best for us but she doesn't have money to do so. We share a bed but our work schedules mean we almost never are in it at the same time, our in our apartment at the same time.
A primary complaint from W is that I don't love son and don't interact with him; one of my 180 actions is to start putting more effort into my R with S. W has always focused most of her energy on S to the detriment of us and it has made me resentful and also tended to make me the disciplinarian because she spoiled him. Right now I am uncertain what I should be doing; my W as she is right now is not interested in M and is working on getting out. I realize need to fix myself regardless of what happens next; I want marriage to work out but have hard time seeing path from here to there.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
I guess I am still in moderation he!!.. I started this thread several days ago but it just now appeared. Over the past several days I finished re-reading DB and I have read dozens of threads; I think I know what I need to do.
My sitch has been going on for almost a year at this point. Everything I have tried has failed. As Dr Phil would say, "How's that been working for ya!" All my actions to rescue my marriage have been aimed at getting WAW to stay, and very little has been focused on improving myself and detaching from W. Today I calmly and without accusation told W that I can see that she is really unhappy and cannot possibly become happy as long as she remains married to me. I told her it would be best if we lived apart, and that she would then be able to find love with someone who truly made her happy. She told me that maybe I am right, asked me if I had found someone. I replied that it had become clear she no longer loved me, and she herself had said that she could no longer do anything with me until she felt love so the coldness between us was never going to go away. Also told her that I would have told her the same either way if I had or had not met someone else. Her response was that she hated to have been causing me pain (that is why she had three affairs...), and she didn't enjoy doing it; that we had many years between us with a lot to share. I left her with "it is behind us; I am moving on with my life and I am sure she is ready to move on with hers."
As I see it, the only thing I have not tried is encouraging W to leave; she already has OM at work and is just cake-eating; she gets roof over her head, bills paid, and free child care, and OM #3 takes care of excitement and intimacy. W has not had to deal with any sense of loss or loneliness; I realize it is not my job to punish her or make her suffer. I am really to the point where I do not care whether she stays or goes but I need to stand up for myself and as long as there is OM between us I have no desire for her to remain in the M. I made it clear that she would be the one to go; told her she could take what she wanted from apartment, but I am staying here. I feel like I have the worst of all worlds; W has repeatedly said she doesn't feel anything for me, repeatedly cheated on me, and worse she doesn't physically leave even though she emotionally checked out over a year ago. So when we do see one another it is not because she has grown lonely and had a dose of realism and decided to reconcile; instead it just increases her loathing.
I have started working on my GAL activities; went out to dinner last night on my own, before that I went to archery range and did an hour of practice. I talked to flight school about resuming lessons; just getting funds together for that. And I found an indoor pool where I have started swimming laps again. I have not done that since I was still in Air Force; around the same time W and I were dating. At the time I was getting myself ready for SF tryouts and I was running five miles a day and swimming a mile every other day. Almost ten years of marriage has added 50lbs of weight which I decided needs to go away.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
From my vantage point there are several issues that are interfering with a positive change in the situation.
1. Affair needs to end, but because W ends it of her own accord. I can do all the GAL activities I want but at the end of the day W has no respect for me because I am being used as a doormat and her plan C or D if affairs do not work out. I am not making her leave because of the affair because I would have to first expose it. I am sick of snooping. She already knows this is a boundary for me; especially after 2nd affair where I wound up with an STD. That being said, there is little I can do to compel her to leave once I reveal that I know of her new affair.
2. We are far beyond making changes so W doesn't WAW. She has already told me it is over but she will not leave. Right now I am her mechanic, her daycare provider, her housekeeper, cook, her bill-paying sugar daddy, and her fallback option if she cannot find an affair partner. There needs to be a sense of losing something important and valuable for her to appreciate what her actions have cost her. Of course she might be gone for good but I am calling her bluff and calculating that she does not have the resources to fight an expensive custody battle, or even live long on her own before fiscal reality forces her to reexamine her choices. In the meantime, I will work on improving myself, GAL, and going dark to protect myself from being hurt further. Someday there might be a possible reconciliation should she decide to work on herself but I need to act like there will not be one for the actions to be taken seriously, and I need to actually believe it myself in order to properly detach.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
Found this gem of advice from Sandi2; this says exactly what I feel about the ongoing situation with my non-leaving WAW.
Quote:
When a WAW just comes out and tells you she is not going to end the A, it is comparable to a rebellious young adult. They are determined to do what they want to do and the more you try to change their minds.....the more they rebell. Therefore, life has to be the teacher by putting them through hard experiences.
It is not you job to administer punishment or shame, but neither should you try to shield her from it. That means you have to put yourself into a new role for awhile. You are use to being the protector of your family (and will continue to protect you a d the children), but you will need to step aside and let things hit her as though you are no longer in the picture. After all, that is what she thinks she wants, so let her have it. When a M woman wants to play around like she is single, there is a price. I personally believe that the WAW in an A has to be able to see some of that cost before she starts coming to her senses.
The more you struggle to get her to do things your way (trying to save the marriage), the harder she will fight you. That's why some WAW's say they want to be good friends with the LBH, b/c she wants to take the arguing out of the picture and everyone just be one happy family. However, the family unit is broken b/c of her decisions and it can't be a happy family until she ends the A and is willing to work on repairing the MR.
I know it is so easy to get your attention focused on the third party, but many WAW's end an A and still do not want to R the M. But for sure, nothing.......and I mean nothing will be accomplished toward your MR as long as she continues the A. The first step she has to make before you even consider reconciling is end the A and get through the withdrawal period with no contacting OM. She would need to be willing to be fully transparent in all her activity. And transparency really tests the rebellious spirit of the WAW. However, that is a ways off yet.
Once my WAW is out of the apartment I can reveal to her that I know about her current affair and until that is over there will be NC with me. We have a mutual friend we can trade off our son with and pass child related business through; I am serious about NC and going completely dark until she has ended these serial OMs. I realize it might be never or years but if there is one thing I do not lack it is patience.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
I guess I am still in moderation he!!.. I started this thread several days ago but it just now appeared. Over the past several days I finished re-reading DB and I have read dozens of threads; I think I know what I need to do.
My sitch has been going on for almost a year at this point. Everything I have tried has failed. As Dr Phil would say, "How's that been working for ya!" All my actions to rescue my marriage have been aimed at getting WAW to stay, and very little has been focused on improving myself and detaching from W. Today I calmly and without accusation told W that I can see that she is really unhappy and cannot possibly become happy as long as she remains married to me. I told her it would be best if we lived apart, and that she would then be able to find love with someone who truly made her happy. She told me that maybe I am right, asked me if I had found someone. I replied that it had become clear she no longer loved me, and she herself had said that she could no longer do anything with me until she felt love so the coldness between us was never going to go away. Also told her that I would have told her the same either way if I had or had not met someone else. Her response was that she hated to have been causing me pain (that is why she had three affairs...), and she didn't enjoy doing it; that we had many years between us with a lot to share. I left her with "it is behind us; I am moving on with my life and I am sure she is ready to move on with hers."
As I see it, the only thing I have not tried is encouraging W to leave; she already has OM at work and is just cake-eating; she gets roof over her head, bills paid, and free child care, and OM #3 takes care of excitement and intimacy. W has not had to deal with any sense of loss or loneliness; I realize it is not my job to punish her or make her suffer. I am really to the point where I do not care whether she stays or goes but I need to stand up for myself and as long as there is OM between us I have no desire for her to remain in the M. I made it clear that she would be the one to go; told her she could take what she wanted from apartment, but I am staying here. I feel like I have the worst of all worlds; W has repeatedly said she doesn't feel anything for me, repeatedly cheated on me, and worse she doesn't physically leave even though she emotionally checked out over a year ago. So when we do see one another it is not because she has grown lonely and had a dose of realism and decided to reconcile; instead it just increases her loathing.
I have started working on my GAL activities; went out to dinner last night on my own, before that I went to archery range and did an hour of practice. I talked to flight school about resuming lessons; just getting funds together for that. And I found an indoor pool where I have started swimming laps again. I have not done that since I was still in Air Force; around the same time W and I were dating. At the time I was getting myself ready for SF tryouts and I was running five miles a day and swimming a mile every other day. Almost ten years of marriage has added 50lbs of weight which I decided needs to go away.
That all sounds perfectly reasonable (and healthy) to me. I mean, either serial infidelity is a hard boundary with you or it isn't; since it clearly IS, then if this pushes her out the door you will have lost only that which you couldn't have abided ANYWAY.
In two separate threads, I see only a vague "she says I didn't love son enough" as a legitimate marital complaint of your wife's. Surely there were other issues here? Did she come to you before all these affairs and express her extreme unhappiness?
Because the way you related it, I wouldn't even fight for her. Surely there's something you're not telling us here.
Well you said clear.... Very little work to recover yourself, guess what imagine that you can have your relationship back, but you still the same. Is that what you want? I rather stay single that in a relationship that gives me nothing productive. Maybe you are looking in others for the love that you are denying to yourself....
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Sometimes when I am particularly angry I do ask myself why I would want to stay with someone who has so little respect for me that she would cheat over and over with losers.
The nearest answer I can come up with is that it hurts my pride to have been left by someone who I went to so much trouble to date and bring here; I helped her become established and become successful here and this is repayment? I guess that is similar to a wife who sacrifices to put her husband through med school only to see him leave her for some nurse once he has taken what he could from his spouse.
It is not a very flattering answer, that it hurts my pride to be dumped for some complete loser; not one of these OMs has been remotely my equal; but it is a true answer.
And again, being honest, I would have to say that I look back on what I had to go through to bring her here and all the shared experiences we had and I feel a deep sense of loss for all those years of my life, that it will be cast aside for some cheap fling with a nobody in middle-of-nowhere North Dakota. That is not how I ever imagined our R ending when I first met her. For a long time I have derived some sense of self-worth from her and I have slowly given up other activities and interests that I used to do when I first met her. W is physically very beautiful and an excellent cook and housekeeper as well. So there is apparently a lot of reason on my side why I valued continuing the M more than W does. And I need to work on my self-esteem issues because my deriving self-worth from her is not healthy.
Her complaints against me have to do with not having a greater say in decisions, which is a valid complaint. Others include "not loving my son enough" which I believe to be an excuse and copout, supposed anger over getting a vasectomy which we both had agreed to and after which she claimed she never wanted me to get because it showed I did not want to have children with her... Her other complaints which she used to justify her affair(s) were boredom, lack of accomplishment in her life, turning 30, lack of power over her life, being in love, etc. She also says that I do not trust her (with good reason) and that she doesn't/never loved me.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
Ok what if she went with those other men because she thinks you are too good for her and she feels she can keep up with that? Would that make you feel better? It doesnt matter why she did what she did, what it matters is what you can do with what you have left, which is yourself, take care of that person left, at the end its a win win situation. Yes it hurts and its not gonna be a one week process but being stuck with somebody who doesn't want to be with you its not an ideal situation even if you think so today. Remember the only hurt thing in your life after a break up its your ego, your heart and feelings are still the same
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Ok what if she went with those other men because she thinks you are too good for her and she feels she can keep up with that? Would that make you feel better?
She did tell me that after I confronted her in Feb.
And no, it didn't make me feel any better about it.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
Its your ego the one that keeps confronting this situation, its like when you compete in a race and you finish second....you dont appreciate the fact that you competed or even finished, instead you focus in the 20 seconds that separate you from victory, well think about all the good that made the simply fact that you participate and keep training.
You didn't loose my friend, she just went a different path and it hurts a lot but that doesnt made you less worth of a person, believe that in this life love will choose you without looking for it. Somebody will loooove every minute they spend with you and share your values, there are many people with different values than you and at certain point they will arise. Would you change them because of that? No, you will love yourself and work on you and one day a person with the same values will share a precious time with you, as simple as that.
Now stand up, pick yourself up, cry as a m..fcker be sad, be depressed, use external help, annoy your family and friends with nonsense questions, let it all out overhere and do that one day at the time, we are here for you, in time all that suffering will be gone and at that point your movie will have a different argument
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Several things have occurred since my last post. Today I took my S7 to the swimming pool and worked with him on improving his swimming. I have not been as involved with my son as I should have been and it felt good to put some effort into doing something with him. I was thinking about it tonight; how I tried so hard to get scraps of attention from my WAW for the past year, and the irony of how hard my son has tried to get scraps of my attention. I have decided that whatever else happens, my son needs to have a greater importance in my life than he has been.
I also got some lap swimming in; my body is no longer used to that kind of activity and I only swam about 10 laps. But it is a start and my goal is to be swimming a mile at a session by the end of the year. I am not fat but I have let my weight get away from me since I left the military and it is a constant irritation to my self esteem.
GAL activity included going out to dinner with friends on my day off; still working on resuming my flight instruction.
W and I got into a long R talk Monday night; I didn't mean to get into that but we kept things civil. We talked about her moving out and she was very emotional but she didn't back down from living on her own. However, I expect that she will not move unless I keep nagging her about it. For me, seeing OMs while living in apt that I pay for is a firm boundary and I expect her to go and pay her own way if she wants to do that. It will be easier to work on GAL and make myself into someone that W would be a fool to leave once she is not around every day getting resentful. W will never feel a sense of loss as long as we see one another every day. From my reading of others threads, it seems to me the most successful were those who were able to withdraw and cause their W to pursue them.
I also read all of Bond's threads that I could find. I never managed to find the ones where he reconciled though, but it was definately inspirational! There are many here who have wise advice and Sandi2, Bond, and Starsky are welcome to use the 2x4s on me as required.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
Today, I noticed a new apartment complex under construction a short distance from my son's school is advertising pre-leasing. I sent a text to W to let her know about it and that there are 2 & 3 bdrm units available. She has talked about getting a visa so her mom can come and stay here to help with S; this preceded the current crisis.
Anyway, no reply to message, and none really expected; after all, ignoring messages from me is nothing new since BD last Sept. I see pushing her out to be on her own a crucial step towards starting the DB process. W is heavily cake-eating right now and avoids me even though we rarely see one another.
Anyone else have similar issues with a WAW who would not physically leave even though they were emotionally checked out? How did you resolve this?
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
Anyone else have similar issues with a WAW who would not physically leave even though they were emotionally checked out? How did you resolve this?
Stop paying rent in your current place. Force the move.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
I just went and read your entire thread. Good luck, it appears you have things well in control!
It is funny how you mention you were at the top of your game when you met your wife; I too was at the top of mine. I was just coming out of my first marriage which I had entered into for the wrong reasons; thankfully there had been no children involved. I was in the best shape in my life due to getting ready for Special Forces tryouts, I was learning to speak a second language (russian), I had started taking flight lessons which was something I had always wanted to do, and I was having my ego stroked daily by the attention of many available women including my future wife at my jobsite. She was by far the prettiest and most intelligent of the women I worked with; for that matter the prettiest woman I had ever met, and winning her affection did a tremendous boost to my self-confidence.
Fast forward several years, a change in service, a new child, and several bad financial moves which cost us an enormous amount of income and lost income, and my confidence was gone, my marriage on the rocks with my W having had an affair and planning to leave me. Even though we eventually reconciled, my mojo never returned and I realize that my lack of self confidence is a major turn-off.
I went from having an insecure wife who was extremely jealous and constantly worried that I would find someone else and leave to a W who is no longer afraid of me and now calls the shots because it became clear to her that I needed her more than she needed me. This dynamic needs to change and regaining my confidence is a major piece of that. Today I went for a jog and brought my son along so he could ride his bike. Getting in shape is a high priority right now, right behind improving my relationship with my son.
When I read about your money issues and the need to keep your W's credit good, I see myself. I also did the same things which means I am now being hassled by junk debt buyers for old written off credit cards while my WAW has mostly flawless credit. I cannot stop paying on the apartment, which is in my name anyway, without risking the possibility that I might not be able to get another one in this tight rental market due to my poor credit history. After giving the issue some thought last night I have a plan; I am on a month by month lease so I can end the lease with a month's notice. I just have to find another apartment and get a lease lined up then give notice to my WAW and landlord; she would have to make a lease agreement with landlord and I get my deposit back; then W has to start bearing some of the costs which I have borne for the past year and it forces her to have to start seeing what a life without me would actually be like. W makes little over half of what I make but she pays very few bills so most of that money goes to clothes and cosmetics, etc., for attracting the OMs she is seeing.
This is so frustrating, to have to do all this work just so the real work can begin. But the current course of action is not working so I really need to shake things up before progress can begin.
Last edited by Casey; 08/15/1411:39 PM. Reason: spelling/grammar
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
I felt the same way re my h about a month ago, but could not act in haste re my child (who went through major change before the mlc event). I know what you mean re: - having to do everything - the WAW/MLC hanging around re: lack of choice > $$ - room for contempt is 'compounded' because space is shared ...
I have often felt that I am 'shooting myself in the foot' - working for someone who hates me & is USING me. You're on a 'different spot' on the grid in comp. to me, so your approach at this time must be suited to your goals, your plans (although our sitch[s] are similar).
The more seasoned DBers will help you here. Take care, p.
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
Wow! I never realized how badly out of shape I had let myself become! Just returned from a jog, I don't think I even managed a mile! And to think, I once ran five miles at a time and didn't think anything of it... There has to be a metaphor in there somewhere. About becoming so weak that burdens one used to bear easily become almost unbearable. And the solution is to become stronger or lose some of that luggage, or both.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
There has to be a metaphor in there somewhere. About becoming so weak that burdens one used to bear easily become almost unbearable. And the solution is to become stronger or lose some of that luggage, or both.
Yes! So true! I'm noticing this with myself, too. I'm desperate to feel physically stronger because I'm noticing I'm feeling emotionally, spiritually and mentally stronger. It's amazing how they are all linked.
Keep on running. It's a great place to think, right?
I had a question; maybe someone out there has an answer...
I work midnight shift Tue - Sun, and I was thinking that maybe that might be a large part of why W is not leaving. She works second shift from three until midnight and neither one of us makes enough for daycare for our stb 8yr old. Any of you with children in a similar situation feel free to chime in. How do you manage to watch your children by yourself when your work schedule does not line up with your child's school schedule?
Please do not say get a different job or shift; for me that is unrealistic. My current job, which is with the railroad, pays well enough that I could live as a single parent if I had to, and the benefits and security are excellent. Unfortunately, I have to pay my dues so-to-speak, and after several yrs I can get onto a better shift when I have seniority.
I have no clue how W plans to do it; having thought about it a lot in the past several days I have now come to the conclusion that that is most likely why she doesn't leave because I am her daycare. She has no girlfriends who can help her out with that, and neither one of us has family here. She wants to bring her mom here but it would only be for 6 months at most before her mother would have to return to her country, and W doesn't have the resources to pay for living on her own let alone another family member.
Maybe I need to rent a three bedroom apartment and sublet one of them to an attractive college student in return for childcare
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
Haha Casey at the subletting idea. Let me know if it works....
My W is in the same situation...no real income to speak of. She got her mom to apply for an apt with her. How she pays for it, I dont know, and do not really care. I was clear I was not. I have been keeping up paying the credit cards which are in her name which saves her a bit. Your W prob is sticking around because of money. Everything else in her actions says she wants to be away from you. Being apart or separated can be beneficial to your sanity as well as your chances at reconciling. For me I simply HAD to get myself out of the situation we were in where we shared a house but I knew she was going off with OM. I was her babysitter cutting my own work day short so she could go play.
As much as it may stink, use the time with your kids as a positive. Spending time with them may be one of the few joys you really will have at this point in your life. Do not take them for granted.
One solution for your apartment situation is asking the leasing office to let you downsize. Lets say you have a 3 bedroom now, downsize to a 2 bedroom. Saves you money, AND makes the separation easier to force.
At any rate, keep posting and I will be sure to follow...
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Thanks for your reply. The more I think about it, the more I am thinking that a childcare-for-rent arrangement is a serious approach. Doesn't have to be physical either; but an attractive, young female living in the same house would definately get the insecurity going in the WAW. It certainly would imply that she (W) is replaceable, and such a future where another woman is raising our son is a distinct possibility.
More likely, I will have to bring my mother here. I talked to her about it but she is busy taking care of her mother. My W absolutely would have a fit at the thought of my mom raising our son; W does not like my mom at all.
I admire the way you have dealt with your WAW; that you are getting such positive results means you must be doing something right. Being more decisive is one of my 180 activities, doing a physical activity every day with my son is another. W told me before that she could never love me because I wasn't close to my son. Well, believe none of what you hear and half of what you see...
Don't really have an option for downsizing existing apartment; all the apartments in the complex are 2 bdrm. The rental market here is very tight because of the oil boom and the inflation has made it very difficult to get by on one income. I don't know how WAW will afford her fantasies, but at this point I don't really care. I don't want W to stay because she decides it is in her economic interest to do so. I agree about needing her gone for my sanity, and to increase attraction through giving 180s a chance to work on W who will notice the progress far more once she is on the other side of the fence.
BTW, what kind of aircraft do you own? My family owned a Piper Comanche when I was a child; both of my parents were instrument rated pilots and they used to take me along to aviation conferences all the time, which is how I ended up meeting Yeager and having him sign a paper model of the Bell X1 i had built myself...
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
Today the weather here was bad with lots of rain and high humidity; my body was so sore from jogging yesterday that I ended up sleeping an hour more than normal and the indoor pool was closed by the time I was awake. I will have to start waking earlier to make sure I have time to go. I still can do pushups and situps though. Have to keep doing a little something every day!
I noticed two things from my physical activity yesterday. My appetite was much less but in a good way; no cravings for junk, and my good mood was off the charts! Must be endorphins or something, but I was in a very good mood at work and more outgoing than I have ever been! The changes are probably so dramatic because I have not worked out in years...
If you are feeling down, I would highly recommend physical activity as an antidote!
When I went to lay down in bed after work W was still asleep, but a few minutes after I laid down she got up and left to sleep on the couch. This behavior used to annoy me but today I just shrugged it off. Whatever... Its her loss!
I have been continuing to work on detachment; one big part of that for me is to stop the looks and the comments about beauty, appearance, figure, etc. I did not do that once this afternoon.
I have decided I need to update my wardrobe and become really fastidious about my appearance. In my experience my male coworkers often complain about how their wives let themselves go, but it seems to me that most men do that to a far worse degree than women do because there is a perception that a spouse's physical appearance is not as important to a woman as it is to a guy.
Thoughts?
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
I've done a lot of personal research about what can help a negative or depressive outlook and exercise, even a 15 minute walk down the street, can REALLY do wonders for depression. Seeing progress also helps, but just the work can completely change your perspective to the point that I'd almost recommend that before making a big decision people exercise. I feel like I'm the real me after I've worked out. I'm more level headed, calm, happy, vibrant and genuine (even though I'm a sweaty mess with eye liner dripping off my face - LOL). Keep it up. It's a game changer on so many levels!
I like that you're updating your wardrobe but I love even more your use of the word fastidious. It's one of my favorite words and not used nearly enough, IMO.
Anyway, yes, many wives "let themselves go" but I think many people underestimate what carrying babies does to a body over time. I'm not excusing excessive weight gain and general unhealthiness at all, I just think some people are quick to say "she let herself go" when women's bodies go through changes that a man's body NEVER faces. Plus, men are very visual so the notice looks and often say one of their primary wants is a trophy-like wife. My H happens to be over 100 lbs over weight. He has always been heavier but technically he has "let himself go" (this is something he has blamed on me, btw). My lack of attraction for him has very little to do with his weight. It is 99% about his own lack of self esteem and confidence. Often when a woman is over weight and a husband dislikes it the woman has "let herself go" but if a man is overweight and a wife dislikes it, she is "shallow". Just my $0.02 on the matter.
I can only speak with certainty for myself, but I would imagine it is true for other men that being out of shape and overweight hurts a guy's self confidence a lot. I can recall that when I was in shape my confidence was through the roof, almost to the point of arrogance. That was when I really started noticing flirting from other women and started flirting back; it is enormously flattering when you realize the opposite sex finds you attractive.
I think a big part of fixing my M has to do with fixing my perception of myself. In fact, I think it is almost all about fixing myself. If my W decides to come along then that is her choice but I have no control over that. At the end of the day, changing myself is really all I can control.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
Plus, men are very visual so the notice looks and often say one of their primary wants is a trophy-like wife.
I wanted to address this from a guy's perspective; IMHO a lot of women really do not get this, or brush it off as shallow or unimportant.
My first W was never a trophy W in appearance; I married her more out of loneliness and insecurity, but when we met she was witty and smart and a size 4. We married six months later and by then she was already a size 8, and she barely fit the wedding dress that she had picked out after it had been altered several times. When we finally divorced six yrs later, she was a size 18, and we had never had children (thank G*d). It bothered me enormously and it was one of the primary reasons for me divorcing her although I never dared to say it. She still was smart and witty, but the physical appearance bothered me enormously and changed my perception of her other attributes to the detriment of the M.
I tried to get her to work out with me, I threatened her, I worked on myself in the hopes that she would get the hint and do it on her own. In the end, as I became more confident with my appearance and health, I started allowing myself to think about a life without her, and eventually when my disgust and loathing reached a certain point I initiated D.
I realize this was very cruel to her, and years after the fact I can look at it honestly and my motives for doing what I did. At the time I justified it over her bipolar issues, anger problems, and poor health (she was diabetic), but it really was her weight and poor appearance that bothered me more than anything.
To men, who are visual creatures, a spouse or gf is a reflection of what they think of themselves. According to Ayn Rand:
Love is blind, they say; sex is impervious to reason and mocks the power of all philosophers. But, in fact, a mans sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy on life. Show me the woman he sleeps with and I will tell you his valuation of himself. No matter what corruption hes taught about the virtue of selflessness, sex is the most profoundly selfish of all acts, an act which he cannot perform for any motive but his own enjoymentjust try to think of performing it in a spirit of selfless charity!an act which is not possible in self-abasement, only in self-exaltation, only in confidence of being desired and being worthy of desire.
She said this far more eloquently than I could ever dream of, but the point is made; men judge other men by the women they choose for partners. And men do not usually marry a woman who has let herself go unless they have serious self esteem issues or other problems that color how they view themselves. When the woman "lets herself go", it hurts a man's pride and his perception of her value. Women minimize this by saying it is sign of a shallow man but really it is no different than a woman choosing a man based on his income or perceived power among other men, and desirability to other women.
Anyway, that is my $0.02 in reply; feel free to flame away...
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
Past several days have been mostly good; of course I only saw W for Sunday evening and half hour Monday night after she got done with work, and for an hour Tuesday before she had to go to work. When we were in close proximity we almost could be mistaken for a normal couple. W initiates conversation with me and laughs at comments; tells me all about her problems and trials at work, etc. I have learned to just shut up and listen/validate instead of try and fix her problems.
I have a hard time imagining that W is in affair with another OM right now. The avoiding me and avoiding almost all physical touch says that something is going on but when we are together one could not tell there is a problem, and there really isn't until we are in a situation where touching could happen. Why is W like this? What is going on in her mind?
W will text me when she gets home from work to thank me for something like leaving dinner for her or doing laundry/dishes/etc, but ignores me otherwise and I have learned to avoid texting her during day because I know she will never answer. When I told her that I agreed it would be best if we lived apart last week she agreed and then has not brought it up since.
I have continued to work on my physical shape and appearance. Been reading on wardrobe for men; I prefer a more traditional, classic style and I really need to work on updating my threads. I have let myself go in that regard; when I am not working I wear blue jeans and t-shirts which I wear until they are too worn out to wear further. Looked at fixing teeth; mine have always embarrased me since I was a kid because they are crooked and parents could never afford to get me braces. I will have dental insurance in Oct which will help with some of the expense. W used to tell me I never smiled and I always look too serious; I never smile because I am ashamed of my crooked teeth.
I have to save some money for flight lessons; I need to be able to take several lessons a week to avoid having to waste time in review when I actually start flying. Going to buy my books for ground school on 1st; I am thinking I can at least start studying so I can pass my written exam while I am saving money for flight lessons. When I was talking with W Sunday evening I mentioned resuming flying lessons and finally getting my pilots license. Her reaction was positive, and she said that would be good because we could fly to Minneapolis for the weekend instead of driving.
I have been really trying not to read anything into Ws actions and comments. I know, believe none of what she says and less than half of what she does; yet it still drives me crazy speculating on motives. Guess I am so eager for normalcy I am allowing my detachment to slip. I want W to see and experience positive interactions from me, yet I don't want to give myself false hope or a friendship to her if she is still involved with OM.
Those of you that are more experienced with this stuff feel free to offer advice or words of caution...
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
Question for anyone reading this thread; do any of you have WAW who uses rudeness to maintain emotional distance? How have you dealt with this issue?
I have noticed a pattern where my W will let her guard down enough to enjoy herself in my presence and interact with me in normal conversation, then shortly after will turn on the rudeness to keep distance between us. I have dealt with this by ignoring the rudeness and acting like I didn't hear her tone and attitude when I respond. "Believe none of what you hear and less than half of what you see", right? I used to get mad and respond in kind; tell her I would not tolerate being talked to that way, etc., but W seemed to feed off of this negative energy so now I just pretend I didn't hear it.
Any thoughts? Other approaches?
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
Casey, My W does the same things, although much shorter bursts.
She will ask a question I will answer it she will say something else about something then right back up to the bedroom with the door shut.
I never have expectations but if you approach me with a question or a comment fine don't then turn around and be rude and shut the bedroom door because I walked past to go to mine.
I will say hi every once in a while and she will respond back with Hi but then back to the room.
It can't be pleasant to shut yourself off from the world.
I get not wanting to talk to me. I am the enemy. Why is she still living under the same roof. She received a judgement in her favor to have me pay spousal support to allow to move out but she is still here. some talk about moving has come up recently but it has been 2 months since the hearing and no action to even pack up stuff that is personally hers and not involved in property distribution.
It is very confusing to me
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
I have been reviewing the "chaos kid" articles I came across when I first started having problems with W last Sept. Everything makes so much more sense now and is more relevant than when I first came across it. Of course, that is good for explaining the why, but I am more interested in the "how to fix it" at this stage in the game.
This past several days has been very trying for me. I am just about at the limits of my patience, but it has to do with money and not with rudeness or coldness,etc. Since we have separated our accounts I have lost visibility of how much money she has and what she spends it on, which is of itself not important but what I have a problem with is the disconnecting all the bills that used to be paid from that account and refusing to pay any of the joint bills when I request that she do so. In the last week I have had to pay the phone bill, the car insurance, a credit card that she uses which is in my name (I know, foolish; we got it prior to BD), and the electric bill. I have always paid the rent entirely on my own as the lease is in my name, but all the other bills were either her responsibility or shared.
So, I cannot get her to leave, and I cannot get her to start paying her share of the bills while she lives here. I know she has been paying down all of her cards and bills and I suspect she is also hiding money so she is able to leave me. In fact I hope she is because I am thoroughly sick of this. I talked to the wireless provider about getting her off of phone account, but if I do so I get a pretty hefty early termination fee. So I still have about three or four months remaining before I can do so.
This behavior on her part is passive-aggressive, because when we are together she is polite (mostly) and initiates conversations; we have talked about this issue and last time we did she promised to go with me to open a joint account and set up direct deposit from both of our banks to make sure that money for joint bills was being set aside. Yet it was just that; talk. Nothing further happened and when I raised it again this Tuesday she had an excuse and said some other time.
I am sure there are others on this forum who have dealt with a similar issue; how did you handle this problem?
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
It is so easy to comment on others threads and see the issues with clarity that is so lacking when we are personally involved in our own situation.
W and I live pretty much separate lives at this point. We work opposite of each other so when she is here I am asleep and I am awake when she is gone. Son finally started school again so her and I have the mornings to ourselves now. So ironic what a difference a year can make. Last year, we were looking forward to school opening because we would be able to spend time alone with one another. This year, son being gone during the day just means that she can go back to sleep in his room during the day.
The money issue is bothering me a lot. I cannot get W to leave and I do not accept a M where there is an OM involved. However, W is passively-aggressive refusing to pay any bills and my patience is at an end. I don't want to cut off services because son lives here too. I have thought this out and I think the answer is I need to rent a different apartment and just one day move everything belonging to my son and I without telling W; this refusal to end the R with the OM or move out especially after she told me she wanted a separation, is testing my patience to the limits.
Ideas? Thoughts?
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
Today I received some more bills in the mail for which payment had been rejected. I have not spoken more than a sentence to W since Monday; she is always gone and I don't really have much to say to her anyway. However, these bills which she has always paid which are not getting paid has pushed me to my limit. I am considering giving her an ultimatum (I know, we really aren't supposed to be doing those) that either she comes up with the money and pays about $400 of past due bills, or I will cancel phones, cable, and internet, and she can get those things on her own.
A friend told me that W had talked to landlord about renting an apartment in another property which landlord owns; she was supposed to have looked at it this Wednesday. Seems most here on these forums are trying to get their WAW or H to come back, but for me, the cake eating and OMs need to come to an end, and as long as we continue to share the same space there is no incentive for W to discontinue her behavior. Clearly the status quo is not working so the situation needs to be shaken up until something does change.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
There is finally some movement from the limbo I am in with WAW.
Today I confronted W about neglecting the bills for which we both share. Her response was that she didn't have any money. I asked if she was planning on moving out. She confirmed that she was, and said she had already looked at an apartment. I told her that that was good; in fact I approved of her getting an apartment on her own, but added firmly that as long as she remained in the apartment with me she would pay her share or I would start cutting off extra and optional services like cell phones, cable, and internet, which she would then be free to get on her own. She then said she didn't have any money because her college courses and books were expensive and she had to pay the full cost because I made too much money for her to receive student aid (at taxpayer expense), and that she had to save money for her new apartment and for bringing her mom out here from Central Asia to help her with son when she was on her own. I replied that those were all choices which she elected to do, and that she could have them paid anytime she wanted by choosing to end the affairs and bad behavior. I then asked her again if I could expect the money for her share of the bills when she received her paycheck several days from now. Her angry response was that she didn't need anything from me and that I could just cancel those services anyway. This concluded our conversation, and I calmly proceeded to remove her phone line from my account, and then password protected the internet, which is in my name.
Like Torquemada, I then slept like a baby and woke up without a case of the conscience, which would have plagued me in the past whenever I acted decisively regarding her. I realize that this represents an escalation; I see the situation as being one in which the decision to vacate the marriage was made over a year ago by W and the time since has been spent by her abusing my non-confrontational nature and trust. I have decided that certain behaviors such as an ongoing affair and abusing my hospitality are unacceptable. My immediate objective is to force an end to the cake eating, and move out on her own so that the going dark activities can begin to have an effect, since LRT methods have been ineffective.
It feels good and empowering to stand up for myself and follow through with establishing and defending boundaries. I will continue to work on GAL, detaching, and improving myself. I honestly do not care if she ever comes back from her fog as I continue to protect myself and move on with my life.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
I am not sure how much longer I can continue to wait for my W to snap out of the fog she is in. The other day I heard from a dear friend with whom I had a platonic relationship with prior to meeting my W. We are the same age, and if I had not met my W, she would probably have been the one I would have married since our relationship had been headed in that direction. Anyway, she is still single, and I have but to ask and she would come here to live with me. If I had heard from her any other time from before BD I would have not entertained the thought. But this finds me in a very weak place. W apparently signed a lease and will be moving out next week.
So I have a decision to make. I cannot take care of my son on my own and I was considering bringing my mother here to live with me if W was to actually leave. My friend is aware of my situation and the drama she would become a part of if she were to join me. I have already drafted the invitation and because this will be my Rubicon should I send it, I am giving it a last thought before I do so. Once I make this choice the door will be forever closed to W and I will begin divorce proceedings.
I am considering telling W that she has one day to decide whether or not she will continue to be a part of my life or I will take action to move on for good. A part of me feels that she deserves this last appeal while another part of me feels that the course of action that she had taken to date has shown where her true feelings lie, and any answer she gives will be under duress and not to be trusted.
What have I overlooked?
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
I would be hesitant to rush into allowing another woman to move in with you, especially one you've had feelings for in the past and even if it's platonic now. But I don't know your situation exactly, so don't just take my word for it.
As far as a 1-day ultimatum for your WAW, I don't know what good that would do for you as you've said you think she may have made her mind up a long time ago. If she says she wants to be a part of your life in that short of time, I don't know how you could trust that it's not simply a survival response. I'm sure other people here could have better insight, but it seems like you need to make up YOUR mind: Give your WAW more time (after kicking her out or allowing her to stay with you) or file.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
It wouldn't actually be a rush into allowing another woman to move in with me because she is on the other side of the world and the soonest she would be here would be December.
That being said, once I extend the invitation it will start a sequence of events in motion that will close the door to reconciliation for good.
I guess that a little bit of wisdom from the Matrix would apply here. In my mind I have already made the choice and now I am here to understand why I made it.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
Casey, just my opinion but I might step back and think twice about ultimatum with wife. Also other w at this point although she might be a good catch for you, you haven't finished business with wife. I know I haven't been myself since this mess started. I want to be my best when thinking about what I have to offer another Woman and rt now although I am lonely I know anything I got into would be unfair to other person. You do have a S with w and be the better person and act like that person and you will shine. I been living in dead marraige for last yr and it stinks. I am slowly starting to realize I will be fine without her as my w. I don't look at her as my w rt now. I don't like who she is towards me. A new Woman with your 7 yr old might not be best for now. Just my 2cents
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
Casey, do not make the ultimatum. IF, and a big IF you really feel like closing the door or believe you really want to issue the ultimatum, then DO NOT tell her. Just do it. Remember, words mean nothing to them. When your wife moves out, and you really want to have the other w move in with you, then simply extend the invitation. And somehow let your W know. Not as a punishment, not to illicit a response, but just sort of in passing. "oh, by the way, OW will be moving in with me in December, so no rush, but just make sure all of your stuff is out of this place by then." Then walk away. And be happy. But you have to truly be happy, and ok to move on.
Otherwise what you posted looks like a threat in which you WANT her to decide to stay. I can promise you with absolute certainty if you made that demand and gave her 1 day, she will say 'see ya' She simply is not ready. Now, if she sees you moving on and you do not say a word, she will stop and think. Maybe nothing now, but maybe in a few months, it might be what breaks the fog. No guarantee, but she certainly will not break free from the fog with an ultimatum.
Good luck buddy
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Talked with W's GF today; she said that the landlord was asking for an answer on whether or not she takes the apartment. I guess this is finally starting to get real for W. GF said W asked her for advice on what to do because she is so confused with her life right now; gf told her she wouldn't give her any advice because she ignored all the previous advice she gave her. Landlord is expecting her to move in this week so reality is going to be beating her over the head very shortly...
W dropped all her college classes less than a week after she started them; complained to gf that she didn't have the time to take the online classes with her fulltime job and that she had to pay for books and didn't have any money. Gf (to her credit) told her that she could get the money anytime she wanted (by reconciling with me), and that living as a single mom is much harder than W has imagined it is going to be.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
Gf (to her credit) told her that she could get the money anytime she wanted (by reconciling with me), and that living as a single mom is much harder than W has imagined it is going to be.
Just be careful. You do not want her coming back to you because she feels she cannot make it on her own. For one, she will not love you for it, but rather resent you. Second, she will leave you again as soon as she feels more financially stable.
My W is out on her own for the first time in her life now. I do not think she has a clue how hard it will be to do simple things like pay her rent/utilities/etc all off what is likely to be an entry level job. However, right now she seems to be spending like a drunken sailer, so I have no idea where she got the money unless she did manage to save up a bunch over the summer. Even then, that will run out. Best to just let them be and find out things on their own.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
You are correct, I do not want her coming back to me out of desperation. At this point I really want her to be out of here; I need her to be gone if I am ever going to feel like wanting to salvage this relationship. Right now when I see her I feel anger at what she has done to me and what she is doing to our son. I know now that I have other options and that if the marriage was ended I would not be alone for long.
As to how she is going to live on her own; I know she already has severe money problems and has been spending well beyond her means. She had been counting on student financial aid to finance her divorce and new apartment but that is gone since she dropped her classes, and she has fallen behind in payments on her credit cards which are all in default.
I wish I could be the bigger person and feel some sympathy for her plight, but I am still upset enough about what she has done to me that I am glad to see her in such difficulties, which are of her own making. If she comes back I want it to be due to real remorse and a desire to have a better marriage and not out of her financial difficulties.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
Today was a fairly eventful day for me; a lot has happened.
Last night I had taken the time to prepare a very nice meal which was ready when my W arrived home from work around midnight. She was pleasantly surprised and we drank a bottle of wine during dinner, after which we had a long talk. I asked her if she had signed the lease yet on her new apartment. She said that she did not know what to do with her life and that she had not yet signed it. We talked for several hours about all that had happened, and she asked me if I wanted her to stay. I told her that I did not want her to stay if she was not committed to ending the affairs, nor did I want her to stay because she felt she had to because of finances. I said that if she wanted to stay for any reason other than because she was committed to rebuilding our relationship then I did not want her and would prefer that she go away.
Last night was the first time that she appeared to have any emotion over any of the damage that she has caused. She asked me what I would do if she left and I told her to not worry about me because I had plenty of other options and I did not plan to remain single for long. At this she was upset, she told me that if I really loved her then I would wait for her as long as it took. I told her that I had my own life to live, just like she had hers, and if she really loved me then she would not be leaving me to continue her infidelities.
Today, her friend told me that she had gone with her to a meeting with the landlord where W had signed the lease and received the keys to the apartment. W had told her that she had talked to me last night and that I had cried and begged her to stay; that I had promised her that I would start buying her clothes and a new car and a house, etc. She said that she had felt sorry for me but needed to be on her own, blah, blah, blah...
At this point, W is such a duplicitous and messed up person that I do not want any kind of relationship with her. I started coming here with the idea of saving my marriage but I am now at the point where I realize I have plenty of options and a life to live, while my WAW is going the other way with hers, while remaining impervious to my efforts and to any rationality. I expect that I will be moving on; a very dear friend from the days before I met my W is in contact with me, and it could easily turn into a romantic relationship now that I know it is over with W; I just needed to see that there is no chance with my W before I did so.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
