I am living with my WAW who I have been married to for almost 10 yrs and with whom I have a 7yr old son. They moved to North Dakota from CA in Dec 2012 and our problems started around Jul 2013 when W went back to work at a local factory where I was working night shift. W worked days; 1st affair started shortly after she started working; BD happened in Sept. W asked for separation, didn't tell me why; a little snooping uncovered hundreds of deleted TMs and I accidently caught her in unexplained absence from work. After confrontation, that affair ended but 2nd started soon after and continued for months and became PA at some point; this was confirmed when I discovered I had an STD... Confronted W with proof and she ended A; apparently OM#2 had been cheating on her too (imagine that!). That was around Feb this yr. Since then we have almost completely ended physical contact; I have little desire at this point to be with someone who has had multiple affairs. I suspect a 3rd OM but I have grown apathetic about trying to get proof of what I strongly suspect.
I would have left long ago yet we have a son and I feel that for his sake I need to make every effort to save what was at one point a happy marriage. When I ask myself honestly whether I still love my wife I do not right now. I feel like someone else is living in her body and the woman I love has gone on vacation. We talk and interact normally when we are together, which is rarely, and I have stopped trying to do R talks or talks about future, etc. I made a lot of mistakes in dealing with things up to this point; recently I have started just treating her like a roommate, which is what we are to one another anyway, and trying to be upbeat and avoid showing how this is affecting me. W has told me she wants to live apart; says that would be best for us but she doesn't have money to do so. We share a bed but our work schedules mean we almost never are in it at the same time, our in our apartment at the same time.
A primary complaint from W is that I don't love son and don't interact with him; one of my 180 actions is to start putting more effort into my R with S. W has always focused most of her energy on S to the detriment of us and it has made me resentful and also tended to make me the disciplinarian because she spoiled him. Right now I am uncertain what I should be doing; my W as she is right now is not interested in M and is working on getting out. I realize need to fix myself regardless of what happens next; I want marriage to work out but have hard time seeing path from here to there.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
I guess I am still in moderation he!!.. I started this thread several days ago but it just now appeared. Over the past several days I finished re-reading DB and I have read dozens of threads; I think I know what I need to do.
My sitch has been going on for almost a year at this point. Everything I have tried has failed. As Dr Phil would say, "How's that been working for ya!" All my actions to rescue my marriage have been aimed at getting WAW to stay, and very little has been focused on improving myself and detaching from W. Today I calmly and without accusation told W that I can see that she is really unhappy and cannot possibly become happy as long as she remains married to me. I told her it would be best if we lived apart, and that she would then be able to find love with someone who truly made her happy. She told me that maybe I am right, asked me if I had found someone. I replied that it had become clear she no longer loved me, and she herself had said that she could no longer do anything with me until she felt love so the coldness between us was never going to go away. Also told her that I would have told her the same either way if I had or had not met someone else. Her response was that she hated to have been causing me pain (that is why she had three affairs...), and she didn't enjoy doing it; that we had many years between us with a lot to share. I left her with "it is behind us; I am moving on with my life and I am sure she is ready to move on with hers."
As I see it, the only thing I have not tried is encouraging W to leave; she already has OM at work and is just cake-eating; she gets roof over her head, bills paid, and free child care, and OM #3 takes care of excitement and intimacy. W has not had to deal with any sense of loss or loneliness; I realize it is not my job to punish her or make her suffer. I am really to the point where I do not care whether she stays or goes but I need to stand up for myself and as long as there is OM between us I have no desire for her to remain in the M. I made it clear that she would be the one to go; told her she could take what she wanted from apartment, but I am staying here. I feel like I have the worst of all worlds; W has repeatedly said she doesn't feel anything for me, repeatedly cheated on me, and worse she doesn't physically leave even though she emotionally checked out over a year ago. So when we do see one another it is not because she has grown lonely and had a dose of realism and decided to reconcile; instead it just increases her loathing.
I have started working on my GAL activities; went out to dinner last night on my own, before that I went to archery range and did an hour of practice. I talked to flight school about resuming lessons; just getting funds together for that. And I found an indoor pool where I have started swimming laps again. I have not done that since I was still in Air Force; around the same time W and I were dating. At the time I was getting myself ready for SF tryouts and I was running five miles a day and swimming a mile every other day. Almost ten years of marriage has added 50lbs of weight which I decided needs to go away.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
From my vantage point there are several issues that are interfering with a positive change in the situation.
1. Affair needs to end, but because W ends it of her own accord. I can do all the GAL activities I want but at the end of the day W has no respect for me because I am being used as a doormat and her plan C or D if affairs do not work out. I am not making her leave because of the affair because I would have to first expose it. I am sick of snooping. She already knows this is a boundary for me; especially after 2nd affair where I wound up with an STD. That being said, there is little I can do to compel her to leave once I reveal that I know of her new affair.
2. We are far beyond making changes so W doesn't WAW. She has already told me it is over but she will not leave. Right now I am her mechanic, her daycare provider, her housekeeper, cook, her bill-paying sugar daddy, and her fallback option if she cannot find an affair partner. There needs to be a sense of losing something important and valuable for her to appreciate what her actions have cost her. Of course she might be gone for good but I am calling her bluff and calculating that she does not have the resources to fight an expensive custody battle, or even live long on her own before fiscal reality forces her to reexamine her choices. In the meantime, I will work on improving myself, GAL, and going dark to protect myself from being hurt further. Someday there might be a possible reconciliation should she decide to work on herself but I need to act like there will not be one for the actions to be taken seriously, and I need to actually believe it myself in order to properly detach.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
Found this gem of advice from Sandi2; this says exactly what I feel about the ongoing situation with my non-leaving WAW.
Quote:
When a WAW just comes out and tells you she is not going to end the A, it is comparable to a rebellious young adult. They are determined to do what they want to do and the more you try to change their minds.....the more they rebell. Therefore, life has to be the teacher by putting them through hard experiences.
It is not you job to administer punishment or shame, but neither should you try to shield her from it. That means you have to put yourself into a new role for awhile. You are use to being the protector of your family (and will continue to protect you a d the children), but you will need to step aside and let things hit her as though you are no longer in the picture. After all, that is what she thinks she wants, so let her have it. When a M woman wants to play around like she is single, there is a price. I personally believe that the WAW in an A has to be able to see some of that cost before she starts coming to her senses.
The more you struggle to get her to do things your way (trying to save the marriage), the harder she will fight you. That's why some WAW's say they want to be good friends with the LBH, b/c she wants to take the arguing out of the picture and everyone just be one happy family. However, the family unit is broken b/c of her decisions and it can't be a happy family until she ends the A and is willing to work on repairing the MR.
I know it is so easy to get your attention focused on the third party, but many WAW's end an A and still do not want to R the M. But for sure, nothing.......and I mean nothing will be accomplished toward your MR as long as she continues the A. The first step she has to make before you even consider reconciling is end the A and get through the withdrawal period with no contacting OM. She would need to be willing to be fully transparent in all her activity. And transparency really tests the rebellious spirit of the WAW. However, that is a ways off yet.
Once my WAW is out of the apartment I can reveal to her that I know about her current affair and until that is over there will be NC with me. We have a mutual friend we can trade off our son with and pass child related business through; I am serious about NC and going completely dark until she has ended these serial OMs. I realize it might be never or years but if there is one thing I do not lack it is patience.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
I guess I am still in moderation he!!.. I started this thread several days ago but it just now appeared. Over the past several days I finished re-reading DB and I have read dozens of threads; I think I know what I need to do.
My sitch has been going on for almost a year at this point. Everything I have tried has failed. As Dr Phil would say, "How's that been working for ya!" All my actions to rescue my marriage have been aimed at getting WAW to stay, and very little has been focused on improving myself and detaching from W. Today I calmly and without accusation told W that I can see that she is really unhappy and cannot possibly become happy as long as she remains married to me. I told her it would be best if we lived apart, and that she would then be able to find love with someone who truly made her happy. She told me that maybe I am right, asked me if I had found someone. I replied that it had become clear she no longer loved me, and she herself had said that she could no longer do anything with me until she felt love so the coldness between us was never going to go away. Also told her that I would have told her the same either way if I had or had not met someone else. Her response was that she hated to have been causing me pain (that is why she had three affairs...), and she didn't enjoy doing it; that we had many years between us with a lot to share. I left her with "it is behind us; I am moving on with my life and I am sure she is ready to move on with hers."
As I see it, the only thing I have not tried is encouraging W to leave; she already has OM at work and is just cake-eating; she gets roof over her head, bills paid, and free child care, and OM #3 takes care of excitement and intimacy. W has not had to deal with any sense of loss or loneliness; I realize it is not my job to punish her or make her suffer. I am really to the point where I do not care whether she stays or goes but I need to stand up for myself and as long as there is OM between us I have no desire for her to remain in the M. I made it clear that she would be the one to go; told her she could take what she wanted from apartment, but I am staying here. I feel like I have the worst of all worlds; W has repeatedly said she doesn't feel anything for me, repeatedly cheated on me, and worse she doesn't physically leave even though she emotionally checked out over a year ago. So when we do see one another it is not because she has grown lonely and had a dose of realism and decided to reconcile; instead it just increases her loathing.
I have started working on my GAL activities; went out to dinner last night on my own, before that I went to archery range and did an hour of practice. I talked to flight school about resuming lessons; just getting funds together for that. And I found an indoor pool where I have started swimming laps again. I have not done that since I was still in Air Force; around the same time W and I were dating. At the time I was getting myself ready for SF tryouts and I was running five miles a day and swimming a mile every other day. Almost ten years of marriage has added 50lbs of weight which I decided needs to go away.
That all sounds perfectly reasonable (and healthy) to me. I mean, either serial infidelity is a hard boundary with you or it isn't; since it clearly IS, then if this pushes her out the door you will have lost only that which you couldn't have abided ANYWAY.
In two separate threads, I see only a vague "she says I didn't love son enough" as a legitimate marital complaint of your wife's. Surely there were other issues here? Did she come to you before all these affairs and express her extreme unhappiness?
Because the way you related it, I wouldn't even fight for her. Surely there's something you're not telling us here.
Well you said clear.... Very little work to recover yourself, guess what imagine that you can have your relationship back, but you still the same. Is that what you want? I rather stay single that in a relationship that gives me nothing productive. Maybe you are looking in others for the love that you are denying to yourself....
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Sometimes when I am particularly angry I do ask myself why I would want to stay with someone who has so little respect for me that she would cheat over and over with losers.
The nearest answer I can come up with is that it hurts my pride to have been left by someone who I went to so much trouble to date and bring here; I helped her become established and become successful here and this is repayment? I guess that is similar to a wife who sacrifices to put her husband through med school only to see him leave her for some nurse once he has taken what he could from his spouse.
It is not a very flattering answer, that it hurts my pride to be dumped for some complete loser; not one of these OMs has been remotely my equal; but it is a true answer.
And again, being honest, I would have to say that I look back on what I had to go through to bring her here and all the shared experiences we had and I feel a deep sense of loss for all those years of my life, that it will be cast aside for some cheap fling with a nobody in middle-of-nowhere North Dakota. That is not how I ever imagined our R ending when I first met her. For a long time I have derived some sense of self-worth from her and I have slowly given up other activities and interests that I used to do when I first met her. W is physically very beautiful and an excellent cook and housekeeper as well. So there is apparently a lot of reason on my side why I valued continuing the M more than W does. And I need to work on my self-esteem issues because my deriving self-worth from her is not healthy.
Her complaints against me have to do with not having a greater say in decisions, which is a valid complaint. Others include "not loving my son enough" which I believe to be an excuse and copout, supposed anger over getting a vasectomy which we both had agreed to and after which she claimed she never wanted me to get because it showed I did not want to have children with her... Her other complaints which she used to justify her affair(s) were boredom, lack of accomplishment in her life, turning 30, lack of power over her life, being in love, etc. She also says that I do not trust her (with good reason) and that she doesn't/never loved me.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
Ok what if she went with those other men because she thinks you are too good for her and she feels she can keep up with that? Would that make you feel better? It doesnt matter why she did what she did, what it matters is what you can do with what you have left, which is yourself, take care of that person left, at the end its a win win situation. Yes it hurts and its not gonna be a one week process but being stuck with somebody who doesn't want to be with you its not an ideal situation even if you think so today. Remember the only hurt thing in your life after a break up its your ego, your heart and feelings are still the same
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
