So had the dinner tonight, I was a little nervous she would bring up the $$ but she didnt, not sure why she invited me, may have had something to do with my son finding the coupons and maybe he brought it up as it is a place we have gone for dinner lately just the 3 of us. I kept things light, engaged in conversation and made it a point to really look at her and listen as she talked. It was a nice dinner, no connection but nothing negative (baby steps), I told her after church in the morning I was planning on taking S kayaking and she was welcome to go ... she informed me she already made plans so I said ok, thats fine and told my S that I was looking forward to it (180 not asking about her plans, nor getting upset about it) .. she also told him he was going to have alot of fun. I know she has plans with OM ... it stung a little but I have just accepted this thing will run its course or wont .. its out of my hands regardless ... and the fact we were out at dinner, going to go to the movies Sat ... church Sun ... I just figure I am getting more time to make good impressions and intend on making the most of it. I ended dinner and left as S was eating desert as I had to get the family dog his food before the store closed, thanked her for dinner and promply left ... chalking today down as a small positive, knowing I need to string thousands of these together along with performing my 180's and GAL to get where I want to be.
So today was really little to no contact. Looking back last week we were doing well till that free mediation consultation, seems from that point on she withdrew. I have not pursued ... tonight is my night with S and we always call at 8, around 7 she asked if he could call now, she was going to the store and just finished her jog ... pretty sure its a night out with OM and I was a little upset but just had S call and decided not to focus/obsess on it ... Huge 180 for me, she mentioned she was having a bad day and I only told her I took care of S camp (180 me taking care of something like this) and hoped her day got better and left it at that.
Some things bugging me, TM a few days ago over the $$ she stated something like I need to just let her go she gets that I am still in love with her, I have not said the ILY for some time, refusing as the last time I said it months ago her reply was "I know" that one stung alot ... along with other things she has said the past few months .... all MLC type stuff as I am learning, not sure how long this ride is going to last but I have just tried to pray, stay centered and have tried to give it to God.
Today I focused on work and actually had a good day, played with S ... at peace for the most part other than the small hiccup stopping myself quickly before I got upset and obsessed.
Ok feel like a fool, she just texted me asking me if I feel like talking after S goes to bed. I know I am not detached as I can feel the anxiety already.
I will need to pray, review the golden 37, and avoid any R talks which may be hard .. how do you side step that land mine without causing more issues?
So the call last night was short, she was tired and I told her after playing with her son I was too, we talked some, I used m soft voice and was positive, but not overly upbeat .. but mwe mostly just about our S (He was off all day, just kind of grumpy and I asked him what was wrong, he didnt want to open up with me which caused me concern as he always tells me whats up ... I asked if he wanted to be with his mom, and he told me he wanted to be with both of us at the same time, I reassured him and let him knw we both love him and this has nothing to do with him, its something between her and I. I did not tell the WAW this because I know it adds pressure and guilt and looks like I am using him to get her back... I was guilty of doing this before and have refused to make that mistake again) ...we had no connection on the phone, she did have a long pause and typically I would ask what was wrong and we would go into the R talk, I did'nt pry (180 for me ... progress) and just left it at that. This morning I dropped off S , had him all ready, hair combed, fed ... she did not notice as she was running late, no hug or connection I told her to have a nice day and left to fight traffic.
I find I am detaching a bit better but need to work on the expectation aspect, the book should arrive today (tracked it last night...4 days late) so this weekend I will dive into that and have actually been considering the coaching sessions once I read the book. Funny, how I know I need to detach, but seems in the last week her and I have lost that connection again... she was telling me about work and yesterday she had a bad day there but did not want to share, I asked but did not pry after she told me "bad day but its over" (its been an on again and off again feeling for me) and it bothers me ... but all I can do is stay positive, GAL and continue my 180's
Her asking me if I want to talk, not sure if thats her reacing out, feeling lonely .. I was in the mindset she was going out with OM and just accepted it.... the fact she called me I take as a small positive though I know ... no expectations .. so we will see what the weekend brings.
This roller coaster is ... ughh .. not something thats fun
So dropped S off this morning as I mentioned, get to work and dive into it (helps me not obsess and over analyze) she texts me to call her. its right about the time she gets into work (we have chatted in the past during her commute) ... so I call thinking the worst but ... just go with it, she was having an issue with her car .. ends up she accidenly left the dome light on, she was stressed about work and started telling me all about it. I listened, even remarked that the guy she was talking about was the same she had told me months ago pissed her off, I was supportive, validated, almost tried to fix her problem but stopped myself and just listened (Huge 180) ... as I got off the phone I wished her to have a better day, told her go get em... and let the guy have it (another 180) I got off the phone and was happy .. baby steps, she shared her work issues with me, connected, and I was able to just stay quite and listen, made progress. Now she is texting me about $$ and how much I am putting in, if I have taken my car off the insurance, ... I have yet to reply, but will ... just frustrating how one second you are connecting, the next you are treated like a customer ... alas if it were perfect I would not be knees deep in this trying to change and save my marriage.
Roller coaster is tough but typical. You're doing it right. Ok to respond in a friendly way, but don't charge in or try to take up ground as then she'll be more hesitant to get closer in the future. I know cake eating is a concern and no one wants to be friend zoned, but you aren't doing anything for her you wouldn't do for a neighbor and I don't think that's your biggest concern right now. My DB coach thinks that's an overused fear, friendly connection in many cases is a good step.
And yes, do the DB coaching with or without the book. It has been TREMENDOUSLY helpful for me. I go from hopeless and confused to confident and poised every time we chat and it has made a difference.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I am glad that you found our online community and are taking steps to improve your personal situation. I know that you would benefit greatly from our Divorce Busting Coaching sessions. Divorce Busting Coaches help you focus on your goals and come up with a plan to get your marriage headed back in the right direction. Call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.
Roberta, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 Roberta@divorcebusting.com
I know cake eating is a concern and no one wants to be friend zoned, but you aren't doing anything for her you wouldn't do for a neighbor and I don't think that's your biggest concern right now. My DB coach thinks that's an overused fear, friendly connection in many cases is a good step.
Yup. My DB coach said the same thing. Don't concern yourself with the "friend zone". Besides, it's far better than the "A-hole husband" zone.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Yup. My DB coach said the same thing. Don't concern yourself with the "friend zone". Besides, it's far better than the "A-hole husband" zone.
Ok that made me laugh and yes you have a very good point.
I feel like I dodged a bullet today ... things between her and I seemed good but once the mediation thing hit .. seems her fog rolled back in and OM is back in the picture a little bit (not sure .. speculation, but she has plans on Sunday and typically thats always meant her and him ... I did not ask)... so we started talking $$ .. I have been putting less in the past few months ... now if we D this number is going to dramatically decrease according to all I have been told. She asked how much I am putting in, why the difference, I explained these are the numbers I have, she made mistakes in that I was paying all the car insurance, not just mine .. and other items etc, that I was open to discuss and did not want her strapped. Placing a nugget in her head that she is going to have to take a hit financially and not live this life she is now, she has a condo near the beach ... and she cant afford that and our son in the private school along with the nice car she has aswell. I am not pulling the rug out, offered if she needed help this month I would put a bit more in. Might be wrong, but the way I see it , she needs to realize (hard I know with the fog) that the life she thought she might have, is not exactly what is going to happen .. OM or not ... at the least it may make her rethink it a bit ... not that this is how I want to save my marriage ... I just see it as a way to get more time ... delaying her filing for D at the least. ... I may be wrong in this line of thoughts I am not sure. Regardless ... I did a nice 180 as far as the tTM talk on the $$ , remained calm and patient and did not get upset nor say anything that upset her ... baby steps .. we always have fought about $$
