I usually have pretty good self control, but could not guarantee anything in that setting. I would have to decline.
It seems like there has been a lot of testing to see how much I can handle. It's like she is a completely different person that I've ever known. She could be trying to hurt me on purpose - she's never done that.
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
IMO, you should not go. She only wants you there for appearances. It is so disresptful to OMW and you to expect you to be there while WAW and OM make goo goo eyes at each other.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Disrespectful-I agree. I think that would be another place where I'd make more mistakes and more back sliding.
Maybe the thought of normalizing our lives is what she is thinking seeing that there is not really an intention of them getting different jobs or anything that would separate their lives.
Can it work if they continue to work together? I don't know this and neither does she. Nobody can see into the future. It seems that something would have to happen to make them actually dislike each other.
At some point I would like to make a strong suggestion to get a different job. Right now she would take that as stripping away her personal victories.
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
The chances are slim. I cannot remember a case where the affair partners saw each other every day and have a great marriage. They are addicted to each other, so think about trying to get off drugs while taking them every day. Does not work.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So there's a dilemma. I can do all of this fixing of myself (which will be a plus for my future). But the likelihood of the A ending is dim. Even if she wanted to - she wasn't strong enough to resist it when it started, how can she be strong enough now that she's addicted to it?
I guess that I will know when to bring this topic up, but when do you think I should talk about the reality of the A being an addiction that she may need help kicking and maybe the fact that she should find a new job. But then really - that may not even end it if she doesn't want to (I guess I'm thinking too far ahead)
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
You're still trying to control things. She's 'in love' with the OM right now and the more you impose your own beliefs on her, the more she will want the OM. It's like a kid in a candy store who can't get the candy she wants. When she's denied it, she wants it more.
Make yourself the better candy.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
And that's also, from what she tells me, the trouble she's been having so far. She knows and admits that the A is not right, not fair, and not what she thought she was ever capable of doing. She said she has told him "that's it" several times. But she keeps going back. Now - that could be because of my mistakes in handling myself at home (pre DB). So this is what I'll keep doing and not backslide into what I was doing.
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
MrBond I see that now and really get the not pushing the issue with the OM. and truly don't with her anymore.
I like this place because I can let what's been in my head out and not feel like I have to talk to her about it (the way we have in the past). I can release it here and then it's gone. Prior to finding DB, I would keep this all bottled up until I just had to talk to her about all of my feelings (and that never - ever worked).
She called it my circular pattern - I would be ok, not emotional, not dwelling on things, for 1 or 2 weeks. Then I would have the NEED to talk and pursue and explain and ask questions. She said I kept going back to square-one. It was driving her crazy. She said with this pattern she could see that I could never heal from this and I should just run.
I feel in a much better place now - and actually have direction.
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
She called it my circular pattern - I would be ok, not emotional, not dwelling on things, for 1 or 2 weeks. Then I would have the NEED to talk and pursue and explain and ask questions. She said I kept going back to square-one. It was driving her crazy. She said with this pattern she could see that I could never heal from this and I should just run.
LOL...are you sure we don't have the same wives? She called my behavior an "oscillating fan".
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
I usually have pretty good self control, but could not guarantee anything in that setting. I would have to decline.
It seems like there has been a lot of testing to see how much I can handle. It's like she is a completely different person that I've ever known. She could be trying to hurt me on purpose - she's never done that.
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I was listening to a sermon today ( Yeah .. all this I ended up finding God and its helped me more than I can say) ... anyways the guy said something that hit home for me as my WAW is someone I dont even feel I know at times .. with what she has done .. things she has said .. purposely trying to hurt and destroy me. .... anyways he said "Hurt people, hurt people." The message was instead of reacting to the words/actions .. look for the hurt they have rather than the hurt they are trying to inflict, I seen it as a wounded animal, she doesn't want your help because she is scared so she kicks at you and fights you regardless of your good intentions. ... not sure if that helps you or not .. but I found it to be enlightening
