2B - Matt is right on. He has come a long way, as have you and I, too. It's been 1 year since BD for me too, and I felt like i was approaching my limit too, but lo and behold, H has now contacted a lawyer and mediator and is getting things going. And you know what? I think I feel relieved. I 'stood' for a year, but I knew I couldn't do it much longer. I feel better now that it's moving in SOME direction, although it's not the direction I want. I wish you better luck than Matt and I have had. You do deserve better. Hang in there, and keep praying...
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
I hope for the best for my M and R. I have changed for the better. I know I will be great with either outcome. I know my time of "standing" is coming close to an end. The ball is in my H court, depends on how he plays it now, and he will need to show me very soon the direction he is planning to take. H has not been in control of me, H has been in control of our M, but not me. I have allowed this to go on and I will know when enough is enough for me. I have given H he space, given him time to sort thru his feelings/thoughts not a full year but few months. I have a plan in my mind to continue standing thru end of year, waiting and praying for signs that my H is ready to return full to M or NOT.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
THANK GOD I know in my mind, heart & soul that I'm ready for either outcome. The place Im in right now is good for me, just not good for our M.
H is really now paying very close attention to the changes in me, I can tell from his reactions and his comments. I feel H trying to come back, but not sure how or if he really wants to, but that is his choice. I know what I want and deserve. I will always be my H friend, just may not always be his W. Right now I believe that H is my roommate, and I'm his W, that is how he has it in his mind. In my mind we are roommates, friends and co parents.
Last edited by 2BHappy; 08/06/1403:13 PM.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Today, I wonder what are our chances, do most of the M end up in D anyway no matter how much we DB, not matter how much we change?
I know the changes are for me, and I pray for my M my H,,,
but is the DBing just delaying the outcome,,,
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Dbing isn't about saving your marriage, it is about saving you. It's a "tool box" of news skills to help you learn to cope w/life, no matter whether it is w/a spouse, co-worker, family or friend. It teaches you how to interact w/others, i.e., when to respond, react, etc. The changes you make should be for and about you...not to get your spouse back. Any changes you make, must become permanent and not just a temporary fix to woo him back and you and only you have to be happy w/your changes.
As for dbing, it's not a delay tactic. The person dbing will know when they've had enough and are ready to call it quits. Keep in mind, many people in the real world db each and every day and don't know that they are doing it. It's survival skills that many learn as they go along.
As for most of the marriages ending up in divorce...many of them do because of the circumstances that take place in their respective situations. Some WAS and mlcers want a divorce asap, others drag their feet for a long time and then you have the lbs who grow tied and weary of the situation and divorce them and move on. Other lbs file for divorce to protect themselves and their financial situations. So, for now, don't think about those other scenarios. Keep your focus on you and your situation. You have to have faith, hope and tons of patience to get through this. But, ultimately, when the time comes, you will be the one to make the final decision as to whether you divorce him or if he should want to come home, decide if it is what you want.
Hang in there and stay positive! The future is unknown right now and there is no need to worry about it today. Your focus as to be on what is happening w/you today. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I totally know and feel that DBing is for me, and it has helped me in other areas of my life.
My H is home now (never left home physically), but not "really". He is my roommate, sometimes sex partner and all the time coparent, and I feel like we are getting back to being better friends to each other, something that we started out as friends. and I like him being my friend, coparent.
I will not focus on others outcomes, everyones situation is different. I will focus on today,,,as it relates to my marriage.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
I did not answer 1st call, (which I sometimes do, just because) answer the 2nd time, I just ounded distracted (really I was thinking what is he going to make up now to say),,,H ask me what was wrong,,I said nothing, nothing is wrong,,,
well the point is, H would have never ask me that a few weeks ago, he would have avoided what I might have said...thinking it was about him or us...
so maybe that was a lil sign,,he was not scared to ask me "what's wrong"
His call was to tell me that our son was not yet home from practice....
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Hi 2B, What I'm about to say I say out of love and concern. I truly feel a connection with all of us on this board and really want for them the best outcome possible. I did just what you are doing here, look for meaning in every interaction that isn't a spew. Well, my W sent me a text about the price of gas at Sam's, does that mean she is thinking about me and not in a "bad" way? She actually invited me to go to her grandmothers birthday party, must mean she is thawing a bit, right? I could give you a long list but in the end they meant nothing. My W wasn't ever going to be "happy" until she got what she thinks will make her that way...me out of her life, at least as a H.
Before she filed and we were talking about separation, she said that IF we ever were to get back together we would need to take it really slow, like it was all my fault that our M was ending when she was the one who refused to even go to a single MC session. They really want to blame us for their pain, their loss of direction, the feeling of having nothing to show for their life to this point. We are the problem until they are clear headed enough to see the truth.
The fact that he asked what's wrong really doesn't mean much. It may have just been a reflex. I know it's hard 2B, I feel the pain in your words and have (and still do) feel it too. But it just holds us back. After weeks of little things like you describe, one incident of her just thinking I wasn't just going to give in to something she wants and the next day she went to her L, not only filed a Final Decree but added so much crap including changing her name back to her maiden name! Almost 50 years old and she got so angry that I actually asked nicely that I keep a clock and she hates me so much she won't even be known by the name she has gone by for more than 1/2 her life!
By thinking these small things mean more than they do, all we do is set ourselves up for more hurt when it turns out it really meant nothing at all to them. Hang in there 2B. I'm not saying there isn't hope but you must be careful not to see it where it really isn't there.
Thanks Matt I have NO expectations from my H other then paying his share of the bills as he is still in our home. Ive read your and others thread and I know better then to get my hopes up. If my H leaves I will be hurt but I will be ok! I have gotten all financial stuff in order. Our house is in my name purchased before we were married. all utilities are in my name. Ive checked my H would have no legal rights to ourhome if we D. We have no debt together. I come here to vent to talk it out to hear others advice...so dont worry about what you tell me..its all ok. I will be good.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
I had many OK days, many days that were alot better then when the BD last year. My feelings now are different, not as much pain, but Im tired, so very tired at times of standing, waiting.
Im STRONG, stronger then I even knew I could be.
This is another phase of LBS for me, new feelings..kinda like "I dont care" feelings.
Scary because this feels good for me, but maybe not so good for our R our M. I know I should focus on now, but I'm a planner and I dont like the unknown about my M....hmmm just another phase for me, that I know I will get thru,,,,just more soul searching and praying.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
