My poor BFF, I just talked her ear off and cried for hours about my feelings and pain and everything.
I talked to d early tonight because h said he was going out and I needed to speak to her early because she'd be with a babysitter tonight. She and I talked then he got on the phone. I asked where he was going (stupid!) and he said he'd bought Hollywood Bowl tix and was taking a violinist friend (female, young, beautiful) because the feature tonight is a solo violinist. Awesome. Then he talked about how he'd set up his new place, moved the furniture we discussed into his apartment, hired movers, all that. It made me sad but I was trying to stay detached. He seemed so happy. A new apartment, a cool concert tonight with a pretty girl. I can't help but think he's super excited to start his bachelor life. It hurts.
We tell our daughter on Saturday, after I return. I am not looking forward to that. My heart just aches tonight, I feel like I could cry for weeks.
Talking about this with my BFF made me start to wonder if h is going through a MLC. He bought a $100K car in December. Soon after the bomb drop I did some snooping (I found DB later that day) and found profiles at Ashley Madison and some fetish sites, an insane amount of porn, some craigslist singles things, an anonymous email account started in 2009 (!!!!!) where he emailed girls on Craigslist for sex, even got a couple girls' rates for "sensual massage"and "bfe" but when I approached him about it then he said he'd never met up with anyone. I said it certainly wasn't for lack of trying but left it alone. He said he had various email accounts mostly for spam and junk emails. He changed the password on his laptop the day I approached him. Suspicious much?
I've been looking through our credit card bills and his expenses are astronomical. $200+ dinners, $41 coffee shop visits, $160 bar tabs... These looks like dates to me. And they are frequent. On. Nights he's "working late". He even bought $64.00 worth of gasoline at Chevron buy he drives a100% electric car. Did he buy someone a tank of gas? He's spent $1,000 in cigars over two months. To my knowledge he smokes a cigar on occasion with buddies for fun. On occasion. $1,000 in cigars isn't for someone having an occasional cigar. His email showed he was tracking down special boots for a coworker on eBay because hers were stollen from her suitcase during a trip. 20 email exchanges to track down these boots for this woman. He has the app Tinder, two burner phone apps and two burner texting apps. He says there is no other woman.
What am I to think?
It hurts. So badly I want to crawl into a hole. So badly I want him to hurt like I do right now. I've not been a good wife, I recognize this but this stuff? Tinder? Hookers on craigslist? And he says he can't trust me? How do I set this stuff aside and act as if? How do I act happy and pave the road home smoothly with this chit in the way?
Not to take away from the obvious work I need to do on myself during this separation. There's so much and I'm really looking forward to getting down and dirty with it. I'm pissed at myself though for feeling guilty for spending $75 on IC (high copay) when he has dropped thousands entertaining his friends or possibly other women. I'm an idiot.
How do I turn THIS around? It feels insurmountable, even if I am trying to detach.
Ss06! oh no! This information is terrible. I can imagine exactly how you are feeling, I have been through almost the same exact experience before with an ex. Even down to the craigslist thing and the burner phones! Wow. And yes, it was an MLC type thing for him.
Maybe this story will make you feel better? Even though I knew all this info, like you do, I still was willing to work on the R. He was not sure, but mostly said he wanted "a break". I felt a break was a break up and I resisted and insisted over and over again that we work on the R. Finally he wasn't willing to pretend to work on the R anymore and demanded a break.
I moved out and started to feel better pretty quickly. I saw that I had been suffering so much with him and I was relieved not to suffer any more. I didn't contact him at all. At first it was so hard but as I said after about 3 weeks I started to feel better. That was exactly when he first contacted me telling me he made a mistake and was now working on himself.
In the end, he wanted to get back together and I did not. I moved on. For years he still begged me to reconsider, went to therapy several times a week, promised me everything and anything. But I just lost my interest. I felt better without him and his bad behaviors.
I tell you this long story hoping that in some way it might help you. Maybe this separation will give you some peace. Try to GAL and not contact him as much as possible. Give him that space he says he wants. Maybe he will realize that he doesn't want all these other things, he wants you.
And when he comes around then you can see if he is willing to eliminate all the above terrible behaviors.
I wish you luck! Big hugs, Lisa
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
Lisa, I really need to hear your words this morning. Thank you.
I'm stuck in that place between resentment and giving up and I hate it. How do i recover from this pain AND WANT to work on things with someone who is never wrong, extremely insecure, desperate to feel powerful and dominant and attempting to anticipate my needs and tell me how I REALLY feel (he says the only reason I don't want a divorce is that I'm afraid of change. Thanks for putting words in my mouth and really not listening to a word I've said).
And related to your story, Lisa, if during this time away from one another I realize I'm better off without him, he'd never fight for me. He'd never fight for us. That's not mind reading. That's just him.
I need to really find more consistent ways to GAL. I don't have enough friends and I'm afraid to spend money. I'm afraid my GAL will mean I'm around less for my daughter and that scares me.
My sitch is simalar to yours, especially with that thought the WAS would not fight for you .... thing is, he is in a fog at the moment, his idea of what life will be like is not really what reality has in store. All you can do is take this gift of time (I still smh at that ... but I am learning its true) and work on you, regardless of what he does, who he does it with ... these are things out of your control, become the best Ss you can be, someone only a fool would leave. I realize this does not take the sting out, does not remove the hurt, In my case I hit rock bottom and realized the family I once had was destroyed by selfishness .... that selfishness I have now learned has an origin (In my case its MLC), one that I either wait patiently through while improving myself in hopes to save all that I care about, or I press and make things miserable for myself in the end not getting what I really want anyways. I can not control any of this but my perspective, I will be better after all this regardless if I end up alone or we R. Focus on you, if you, we are all scared, once you start GAL you will start building some confidence again, you need this... and you will need this long after this storm dies off. Try thinking big picture rather than the day to day pain. just my .02 but I hope things get better for you.
Hi Ss06, I feel for you. The only thing I can say is that right now maybe you should let go of the idea of working on things. Not that you shouldn't or won't think about it, but it sounds like HE needs to be the one to wake up and realize he needs to work.
Try to focus on yourself as much as you can. It may sound crazy but you will probably start to feel better once he moves out. That way you don't have him constantly upsetting you and can better focus on the present moment.
My advice is try to detach as much as possible and focus on you. Not easy, but it sounds like he doesn't deserve your attention right now. Let him go find out if his life is better without you. If it is, not much you can do about that, as much as it s#cks! But the more space you give him, the better. No need to be mean or angry, just detach, protect yourself.
Sending you good thoughts! Hugs, Lisa
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
Maybell, Caliguy and Lisa, thank you so much for your support and encouragement. I'm starting to feel more buoyant. I hate that ONE phone call put me into a spiral of pain and tears that I'm only now coming out of. Jeez.
I got a text from h today asking if, after they pick me up from the airport tomorrow afternoon, I'd like to go to the county fair with he and d. Since an old friend is visiting on Sunday, he suggested we wait to tell d on Monday about our separation (his word was "adjustment"). I'm not thrilled at putting off telling her BUT I am really excited at the prospect of NOT doing it as soon I return to town. That's a huge relief and feels almost like the universe has heard my pleas regarding the timing of telling her. WHEW. ANNNND, h wants ME to come to the fair. He could have taken d that morning, just the two of them, right? Instead, he asked if I wanted to come.
Hi Ss06, seems like a good sign to me. He sounds a lot like my previous ex. He wants to be "free" but he is not sure he wants to be free forever. So he still is doing these little things to hold on, while planning to walk out "tomorrow".
My advice is to do your very best to let him go, open the cage and let him be free! Only then will he be able to feel if he wants to return and make the changes he needs to make to have a relationship with you. And take that time for yourself to really think about what kind of M you want! All that stuff you described above is pretty disturbing to me, maybe just because I lived through some of the same stuff and it was really difficult.
How to let him go when it will simply devastate you to do so? Act as if you are ok with it (at least around him, you can be a wreck when you are alone). Tell him you understand this is how it has to be. Don't contact him. Don't show weakness if you can help it. Act like you are fine and are moving on. This is easier said than done of course.
I wish you good luck and strength and I'll be watching your story! Hugs, Lisa B
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
Tonight was a terrible and very hard night. H is sleeping in his new apartment and we tell our daughter tomorrow evening what is going on.
H brought up R tonight and he is no closer to having hope than he was a month ago. He's so bitter and angry. He says he forgives me but can't forget but I can tell he has not forgiven. He says the changes I'm making should have been made a year ago when he needed them because he's done now. He says if it were up to him he'd just be filing for divorce because he just wants to move on with his life. He's only getting separated for me and our d.
He says he can't believe my changes because he can't believe anything about me. He doesn't believe they are lasting, which I told him I totally understood, it's only been 5 weeks but he said he doesn't think he'll ever believe them. He says he doesn't even believe me when I tell him I love him and don't want a divorce because I want HIM, he is big into mind reading and speculating and says I don't want a divorce because I don't like change and I don't want our daughter to come from a broken home. He doesn't think I really want HIM. He doesn't believe me when I tell him I do.
I tried to come from a place of dignity and respect for the whole 2 hour conversation. To listen and validate. To hear his pain and really come from a place of understanding. He was so negative (which he calls "pragmatic") and I could tell he just wanted to vent for two hours about all the things I did to him and how he's his own hero for growing a pair and getting out. I still listened, validated and let the sharper points just wash over me while still hearing them. No crazy reactions which is a huge 180 for me.
I told him I was totally in favor of the separation, even though it hurts, and I'm eager to really do some meaningful soul searching because I'm proud of the changes I'm seeing in myself and the person I'm becoming. He said that if the changes I make stick that he's proud of me too and it will surely help me have a healthy relationship with someone else down the line. Ouch.
Somehow the convo turns into him complaining about how horrible I was to him and I end up trying to profess big change. Finally, i just stood up, grabbed the basket of folded clothes and walked out. He later came upstairs to tell me he was leaving and asked me not to just walk away from our conversations. To say that I need to end the convo now or something because he said it's too reminiscent of how things used to be. Touché. I told him that I can definitely do that in the future.
What an ugly night. He's not receptive at all to my changes and I can't blame him. 5 weeks isn't enough but he even admitting to not being open to seeing them. I feel like someone not in the middle of all this could see all this more clearly and see the inconsistencies in his plight. I know he's hurting and can't see past that. I fear it's too late.
I'm trying really hard not to let myself spiral into a sad spell that I can't get out of for days.
I asked him what he wanted to get out of the separation. He said he wanted to do some work on himself and "see if I miss you at all". He said he'd need to see a 98% change in me and know 100% that it's authentic and trust that it's real before even considering coming back. He's dead inside and is done.
I'm not busting this divorce well at all.
He just texted this: I'm truly sorry about earlier. Even if I sometimes find it frustrating, I understand you're trying to be healthy and positive, and I came off the rails a bit. I apologize.
To which I responded: I appreciate you apology and the effort it took to tell me you need me to not walk away like that. Thanks for your patience tonight. I'm sorry our talks always seem to be a formula of you venting (understandably) and me promising change you can't believe in. That's not working well so I'll change that.
My heart hurts. I need to do more maybe by doing less? I hate that he hates me so much.
