barely holding on - 2

[Wet]

U-turn, do you think is a good opportunity to open up a discussion with her? Perhaps asking her why she wants you there, might open up what she is thinking. 2T2M brought up a good point, if she needs you there to help her for her work, maybe she thought this could be appropriate. I don't know, it still seems weird...

[u-turn]

It's good for discussion to find out what the heck she is thinking I suppose. I don't think it is going to open up anything new though.

I have the so many different scenarios: all sit around and have a good laugh about it (probably not). Dual to the death (unlikely). Probably me staring him down all day and feeling sorry for his W and watching my Ws interaction with everyone. Yikes sounds like hell.

I have a feeling it would look good to act like a real stable family for the boss (who is unaware of the A). Great day for an "outing" if I was feeling a little destructive. (sorry just a little ramped up right now). Just trying to keep some humor in everything - it helps me get through some times.

[PeterV2]

U-turn, first thing that came to my mind about the cottage trip was boating accident. But that's just being mean. It certainly would be awkward, especially is OMW was there too. Too many triangles to deal with. But the opportunity for a good heart to heart with OMW would certainly liven up the visit. I don't know if I would be able to handle that situation. Maybe best to set boundaries - if OM is going you're busy elsewhere.
I was in a similar sitch during the last days of my first marriage. We hung out with another married couple where the H was having an EA with my W. It got very uncomfortable sometimes. I thought it was just a phase she was going through and had no idea about DB, DR or SBT. Ended in D. Now my 2nd W is a WAW. But DBing has helped. Sandi has helped. The A is over but WAW is still at arms length. No reconciliation yet. Still working through a bunch of things. It's been 8 months since D-day. I want her back so bad it hurts, but need to stay detached and keep DBing. It take such patience that I find it hard not to grab her and hug her every so often. Not constructive at all but it feels good for me. Not for her. Sets me back a week or two. So you see having patience and letting things unfold on their own is actually the faster way to get to a new M. Very counterintuitive, but very true.

[u-turn]

I'm not going to stress about the cottage thing until I know more now. Thanks everyone.

Last night, I don'think I was detaching enough. The kids were all in separate places with friends (their own GAL I suppose which is good for them). W resents a little that now they only tell me where they are going. S20 doesn't tell W anything about his whereabouts now. She did get mad about that last night and I listened to her, acknowledged that I heard her, but didn't offer any suggestions of what to do (to either of them). I feel like I didn't help.

So without the kids, we decided to go out to dinner to one of our favorite places. We sat, ate, had regular minimal conversation, went home and off to separate corners. Doesn't seem productive.

I still fight the urges to bring up what I would consider deep and meaningful conversations about life. But no - that usually ruins the evening. So I didn't. I am still waiting for her to say something, or ask something.

[u-turn]

Sometimes it really gets to me when she acts as if everything is normal, like this is not affecting her. Has she forgotten about the issues? It's like she is using my methods. That's what makes me want to break DB and talk about us. Not about pizza or work, about what it's going to take to move this in a direction.

I get really impatient toward the end of every week (thur, fri).

[mindsin]

u-turn, I know you've heard this a thousand times, but be patient.

I go through the same frustrations as you do. You have to understand that her mind is caught in the fog of the affair. The OM consumes her thoughts. I think at this point, any discussions about the situation will either be one-sided (if you don't argue back), or turn into an argument. You just have to stick it out.

She's already starting to see signs of her life crumbling around her (e.g. relationship with her kids).

On one hand, these things could work towards your advantage as she begins to second-guess her A.

On the flip side, she could completely blame you for it. And if it comes to that, I know it would be extremely tempting to fire back, "Well that's part of the consequences of your infidelity". Don't go there!

[mindsin]

Regarding thoughts of breaking DB -- don't do that. I made that mistake early on, as I was applying different "methods" and executing them at different times without giving any one method sufficient time to work (or fail). It wasn't until two Wednesdays ago that I fully committed myself to DB.

[u-turn]

Dawgy:

I physically assaulted my wifes OM . I was snooping and caught them together . He was in my wifes vehicle passenger seat holding hands with her but they had the doors locked when I pulled up . I could see the fear in both of their eyes . I punched the side window out of the car and dragged him out through the window and pummeled him mercilessly . It was all in a flash and it happened so quickly . The only thing that saved him was her screaming that she was going to pack and leave if i didnt stop . So i stopped . He was well battered and bloodied . This did me nooooooo good . She didnt leave but actually started seeing him more . It worked in his favor . It was a major screw up on my part but i was so full of emotion i just burst .

So guys/ gals , let this be a lesson > Confronting OM /OW will not do anything but put you in a bad light . And if your as emotional as I am you may do something as foolish as assault . Which I was lucky i didnt severly hurt him and get charged .Nothing good can come out of snooping and spying . DONT DO IT . DETACH . It works for your self and your marriage . It may not save your marriage but it will save you .
______
I know it was and still is hard to know what to do, and sometimes it still feels like I want to "handle" things, it wouldn't do me any good, it wouldn't make me look stronger to my wife, it wouldn't teach my kids how to be a good person. (though sometimes it feels like I'm living in a blues song, I don't have to react in the same way).

[u-turn]

Sorry that's confusing:
This is a response to Dawgy's post on my first threat.
Just to clarify.
Thanks

[dawgy]

U turn ! Dude do not go anywhere with her if OM is gonna be there . Seriously . Read the last post from me on your old thread . What I wrote about can happen to you . You may think you can have control but your emotions WILL get the best of you in that sitch. i totally agree with 2+2 , politely decline and say you have other plans . But also if it was me i would ask her reasoning behind why she wants you there ? There must be some sort of reasoning for asking you such a bizarre thing > Just to see in her mind what shes thinking . Maybe she thinks its not a big deal or maybe she is testing you to see how much you can handle . Anyway I would want to know why she asked you . Dawgy