Matt, I was reading part of your thread last night and it sounded familiar between my ex and I. However I must admit I was the one that tried to line out exactly when and where XH could and would see the kids. However that was all in the name of drawing a firm solid boundary line with him! Ex for a while didn't seem to understand why I didn't leave the welcome mat out let alone a red carpet for him anytime he wanted to come by! He was at the house un announced while I was at work, picking up the girls and taking them where ever he wanted and letting me know AFTER he had done it, making plans with them behind my back at the last minute without any consult to me and respect for my plans with them, I mean it just went on and on!
So when I drew the line, and then OW came into the picture and they didn't want to go, that's when he started raging about MAKING the kids see him, and why should he pay child support when he didn't ever see them (at this point the kids refused to stay with him and OW at all!)and of course I was allowing this all to happen!
It's a control tactic Matt. My only advice is speak your truth, have D14 speak her truth to the judge and your attorney, and hopefully they will come to a very fair agreement and visitation schedule. I have to say here in Oregon they are really pro child well being! My attorney was so wonderful in supporting my girls, yet he was fair in knowing XH still had his right to see the children despite the fact he wasn't very deserving at the time.
Yes Bea, I told D14 that she needs to speak to him in very clear, concise, but direct ways to get the point across. I told her she needs to say " Im mad at you because...... and it makes me feel....".
Right now she just wants to be mean and nasty because she's now releasing 3 years of pent up anger, frustration, and resentment.
My side of the story.... sheesh. Now when he did first leave, the girls asked me several times why he left. I told them the best I knew how without all the gorey details. They never did ask Xh, but all he did was sit them down for 2 minutes and say " your mother and I have been having problems for a long time. It's better this way".
Xh husband left the responsibility to me to tell them and said " well whatever you tell them let me know so I can back you up".
Wishing... I agree. If it keeps up and he starts to get worse, I will let him have it, but more than likely just walk away.
There is absolutely NO REASONING WITH THIS MAN UNLESS IT SUITS HIM. PERIOD. I swear he's gotten worse in the last 3 years, if that was even possible! Just how far do these jokers get into replay? I STILL TO THIS DAY, have waves of disbelief that this is who he has become!
To top it off, it sounds like he's showing his true colors to the new wife. Apparently he made her take out her dentures in front of all her grand kids and show them what happens if you don't take care of your teeth! D11 was there along with OW's family when this happened. D11 said there was a very awkward silence after that and the only one that laughed was XH.
Granted I don't care for OW.... THAT WAS JUST DAMN RUDE AND DISRESPECTFUL TO HER. According to D11 it sounded like she was uncomfortable doing it, but she did it anyway???
I swear this has become a nightmare I can't seem to wake up from!
I swear these MLCers are just cranked out by the dozen at the MLC Factory! They're damn near identical!
How you explained your MLCer is exactly how mine is and was for many years prior to BD.
Now if you stand back and look at this behavior, this is crazy making! That minimizes our feelings and there is absolutely NO VALIDATION for us or anyone else, if they did wrong to cause us to be rightfully upset.
However if they are wronged ( and they are wronged with the touch of a feather) Oh stop the world on it's axis why don't you!
Ex responded back " It must be nice to sit there and pass judgment on me! Where did you get all that information to make that decision? Who is telling you this? You never once asked me for my side of the story! If you ever want to talk to me or hear my side of the story then let me know. You're still my daughter and i love you".
It's like they have a Manual. I mean it's really, really scary how they respond in such similar ways with the very same words. Smokey has written this to D20 in the past. Creepy.
Interesting discussion about the consequential feelings of their behavior/destruction and how the MLC-er remains so focused on assuaging their own guilt.
Sometimes, I try to imagine what it would be like in their shoes. If I was Smokey.
I've made mistakes as a parent, like everyone, and it's hard to admit how those decisions/behaviors on my part impacted my kids. It's hard for ME to acknowledge. Imagine if you did things that were so socially unacceptable and considered "BAD"--how do you come back from that to be a loving parent?
I believe the answer is "with a lot of humility." But, humility is something foreign to them. They are "self-will run riot."
Tragic.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
About ten years ago, I had this quiet moment with my Dad and I felt God pushing me to apologize to him for the years of "bad behavior" on my part...In retrospect, I can see now that I really had very little to apologize for, but, at the time, if felt like something I needed to do.
Anyway, his response to me...Now, remember, I'm in my 30's at this point and have suffered a domino effect of terrible, obvious consequences as a result of my Dad's MLC...mom remarries abusive man...
His response...will never forget..."It was the best thing for all of us. Things are so much better now."
Clarification: "Things are so much better now...for ME."
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I swear he's gotten worse in the last 3 years, if that was even possible! Just how far do these jokers get into replay? I STILL TO THIS DAY, have waves of disbelief that this is who he has become!
I relate to this totally. I believe my xh is still in replay!
To top it off, it sounds like he's showing his true colors to the new wife. Apparently he made her take out her dentures in front of all her grand kids and show them what happens if you don't take care of your teeth! D11 was there along with OW's family when this happened. D11 said there was a very awkward silence after that and the only one that laughed was XH.
Granted I don't care for OW.... THAT WAS JUST DAMN RUDE AND DISRESPECTFUL TO HER. According to D11 it sounded like she was uncomfortable doing it, but she did it anyway???
THAT, my friend, is just un-be-live-a-bull. He made her take out her teeth? And she DID it? WTF is wrong with these women?
I have seen glimpses of "that look" in OW. It's the look of "I can't believe you said that" or "why are you getting upset". She doesn't realize she is no different than I was in that situation. She is just different. Right now she is a glorified dog watcher and babysitter. J has already started leaving for work earlier and getting home later. I wonder if she realizes that he calls me almost every day on his way to or coming home from work? I wonder if she realizes that soon he will start to travel more and she will be left alone all day. She has no job, no friends here, and her kids are not allowed to move. She will have no money and no life. At least I never got to that point.
We are all so much better off than these pathetic Exs and OPs. It just takes a while to figure it out.
Sorry to hijack...
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
at bd, in my opinion, second OW, he use to drop her off at a garage and pick her back up after.. knowing that, I used to keep XH chatting , sometimes for quite some times lol.. That was MY request to keep his OWs away from me and my home.. I have seen 3 so far and 2 were causing problem for me. One was an x-cop, psycho who xh couldn' t get raid of.. a bit like him with me. ironic.. she had followed xh here and then threaten him with knowing where his children lived.. He had her admit herself into psychiatric threatment.. the other was a control freak.. he had an 8 o'clock carefue..lol she had him on a choking collar.. HEY! He wanted attention, he sure pick the right women lol
well Im glad to hear Im not the only one that thought that denture popping scene was crazy and a half!
You know as time goes on I become more and more acceptant of who he is, and more and more shocked and disgusted I was married to that man for so long! But then again... I wasn't always married to this particular man he is at the time. Once upon a time he was very different.Quite frankly he's so absorbed in himself Im surprised he even wants to see his children!
I really can't wrap my head around his logic. Only in the mind of an MLCer can this ever make sense!
