Possible MLC WAH, and need guidance

[Atsbaby]

Thank you Lois!

I like your analogy of the teenager, and you're right, that is exactly how he is acting!

I was good last night talking to him, h seemed to pull away after talking about his and S10 day. I didn't pursue any convos and let him start them, which could be why he wasn't talking. I also didn't want to slip with the anger stewing inside...big 180 for me not confronting him!

I did notice that he is asking my opinion, apparently seeking approval about things. He got a new shirt and was asking which dress pants to wear with it. He's also mentioned a few times about a pair of earrings he wants and how he needs to gage up to get the ones he wants. I addressed the outfit but not the earrings. I think I need to pull further away from him...let him realize that his choice is for me not to be there, which includes approval for little things. Or is this a baby step with him seeking my approval? Lord I'm so confused by this stuff!

[Mighty]

Let him stew in his own juices right now. The minute you confront, it changes the dynamic.

Ats, I agree with Heather. He knows how you feel. He will expect a reaction. He will prepare himself for how he thinks you will react. If you try something different, you will feel differently. This has probably my biggest 180. It has made me emotionally more in-check. (Yes, I know, it probably does not come across here... I save it for you guys. Lucky you.)

Two things about that: first when he told me (over phone) about hww and preg, he was definitely surprised about my reaction. He asked if I knew because of how I did react (or lack there of). Really, I think I was just in shock. But, it was unexpected for him and I think he had to think more about that.

Next, this has been hard on my parents. They have been his only true parents and have known him since a teenager. When they found out the latest development, I told them not to even bother talking to him. He knows he is wrong. He feels bad. But, if confronted, he would be in a position to defend his actions. Don't give him that opportunity. He knows it is hurtful and wrong. Let him think about that- what he is doing and not how you are reacting. He knows you are hurt and it's not what you want. You don't have to say a word.

Maybe I am way off on this. But I have fond that this works for me. I think it holds h more accountable for his own thoughts and feelings vs my emotions. During this time, he really is only thinking about himself and will say whatever to rationalize that. Controlling my reactions has helped me tremendously to be patient and to watch. I can focus on myself better. I am more in control. I can pay better attention to others' reactions when I am silent. Be patient..... the right time will come.

Oh yeah, I have also found that when I have wanted to respond/communicate- I have waited. I have written or typed the things on my mind and waited. Most often, it is never sent. When it is, it is usually well revised and sent much later. I had started writing something a couple months ago with the impending divorce. I was going to send it when things were closer to being finalized or after they were. I waited- boy am I glad I did. I was writing under false circumstances. What I believed to be true was so not the case. Be patient, my friend. Silence can be golden.

I don't know if this is helpful, but maybe some food for thought. Others with more experience may tell you differently. But whatever the case, you will get stronger.

[kml]

Don't jump to conclusions about the lawyer.

My ex went to see a divorce attorney once. The lawyer (god bless him!) laid the finances out for him and told him if he thought he could save his marriage, he should!

WE actually reconciled that time and had several good years together before his final MLC hit.

It's possible that your H went to an attorney and had the same kind of wakeup call, making him see what a dumb move divorce would actually be.

(BTW, it's still a good idea for you to consult with an attorney, just to learn your rights and how to protect yourself financially if H does file.)

[Atsbaby]

Thank you for the support Mighty and kml!

I'm definitely going to have to find a L. H has been pulling away again, plus I got a text tonight while he was still here...I was out jogging and my phone was at home.

He said we need to talk soon. I just don't know how.

I think he's going to drop more bombs...filing maybe and possibly OW.

I'm not expecting anything positive that's for sure. I've got to not respond in a negative way...it always gets worse before it gets better. I knew this was the calm before the storm. H been too nice for too long, but not really connecting with me.

I guess I'm going to have to go dim...act as if I'm moving on. He's walking away from his greatest accomplishment...family. I'm doing okay for now, but I know I'm not detached enough. This is going to be hard to attempt...this is going to God, I'm out of my league with this.

[Mighty]

I know, Ats, I know. But you are doing great. I know that feeling you get in your stomach when you know there is more to come. I am serious, you are being really strong. Take it in stride. The one good thing that comes out is that once you get through those moments, you look back and know you don't ever want to go back to that again. I promise, it will make you stronger, because you will know you made it through that moment and that you are doing OK. Find faith in something that you will get through. I don't know if you are familiar with "Footprints" but I found a time when I just closed my eyes and said, "Carry me, Lord." I am not trying to push something on you, but you will find things to help. Small little reminders that will get you through the tough moments. Hang in there. You will be OK.

[TL72*]

That's good advice Mighty -
Atsbaby - we are all out of league with this, you nailed that.
I gave it to God as well, and I asked for strength every day and he gave it to me. It's a painful journey, I wish it on no one.
It takes time to detach, it's easier once they leave to be honest. Things got so much better for me once he left, the first night feels like a death, I won't sugar coat it - after that it got a little easier every day. Work on you, GAL, see an IC if you need to, I went to a free divorce group and that helped me more than anything. I found out all kinds of things about myself and then was able to acknowledge those things and work on myself instead of trying to fix something I couldn't - happiness is found within and you can only control you and your reactions. No one can make you feel a certain way, only you allow those feelings. Allow time for the grief, vent it out - journal journal journal. I would get that stuff out of me by journaling every night and praying probably 5x a day. You will grow stronger and if you do pray - definitely ask for strength and say something like "I put this in your hands" and you will find some relief I hope. Finding a distraction definitely helps - I was doing gardening like crazy, lost 30 lbs in 3 months, started smoking (I don't recommend this lol) but I found some really good friends and became independent vs co-dependent and really know that I'll be ok. You will too, takes a lot of time but have faith. Change is scary. Let him go on his journey and you start to create your own path. Take care, keep posting!

[LoisB]

Ats,

Just letting ya know I'm still here. :-)

You're not alone.

Whatever comes, you can handle it. Know that.

Much Love,

Heather

[Atsbaby]

Thank you ladies for your support. I'm going to a marriage crisis group tonight, first time, so not really sure what to expect, but hoping I'll benefit from this.

Started back to work today and it was nice being some what distracted. It's hard talking to my coworkers when they say "wow, you look great. You've lost so much weight. How did you do it?" I just smile and say I'm exercising, hiking and eating better...only a handful know the initial jump start of this weight loss!

One coworker has been going through the same thing. His wife walked out, cleared out their bank account and then after their first hearing she decided to work on the m. He was encouraging to talk with today. He said to just let H go and they will eventually come back, especially with the kids involved. I'm glad he's optimistic, and I really want to believe this.

I talk to God regularly and I'm not sure how many times I've told Him to take over, and He probably has but I just can't see it. Got more on that later, but we've got to get to open house!

[AJM]

Funny thing about handing it over to God. We tend to do that. To want that. But for some reason we tend to pick it up again and again...until we learn not carry a burden that's not ours to carry.

I know I did

AJ

[Atsbaby]

I posted yesterday and apparently it didn't go through

Oh well, so group was just me and the counselor, which was fine. We talked for almost 2 hours about her sitch and mine. She was able to reconcile, hopefully I can too. More women are usually there in September, so I'll go back and give it more time.

H made a comment about how long it took and I just replied with a yep. I then realized I didn't have ink for my printer so ran back to the store. H seemed a little aggravated when I returned....sorry, if you were here more I wouldn't have to run out at 9:30!

Last night I had to go get uniforms for the kids and H actually went. He was so tense, rode with his arms crossed for at least 20 minutes. Was texting and not really helping, very short with the kids. I think they were hyper because all of us were out together...been a long time for that. I stayed upbeat and never got angry with the kids, which is another 180.

Saw a glimpse of H when we ran to the sports store, he was animated about a golf shirt he was looking for and just showed his true self, it was nice to see. Very closed for the remainder of the night. Kids left to spend the night with friends after we got home. H went to the basement looking for who knows what and I took the opportunity to go walking.

I returned with the dog and H was still home, which surprised me. He made small talk for 5 minutes and then left. About an hour later he texted me about his dad, I validated and then we went back and forth for 2 hours. It started with hw that neither of us was wanting to do and then he turned it sexual. During the convo he admitted telling his lawyer that we started being intimate again and she flipped

I'm actually surprised he told her, but he said he didn't trust me for keeping it a secret...and who needs to be having the trust issues? The convo also turned to him trying to be discreet about wanting it again.

H woke me up at 3:30am and well....I'm so not good. This was all for him, which I get it, I understand the male needs. H started being rough and I pulled a way saying it hurts and he said "oh, baby, what hurts?"

We finished and when he left he tucked me in and patted my side. I just cried. I think i still would have been detached had he not used that endearment in a soft gentle voice.

This stupid ride needs to end and he needs to let me off. I thought I was doing good, but darn for being female and all emotionally! We still haven't "talked." What's the point, can't do anything legally right now. I did contact a lawyer and waiting to set up a consultation.

Back to dbing today. Plus I get to see inlaws, maybe I can gage what they are seeing without revealing my thoughts.