An excellent read, Ox, is a book called "Love and Respect," by Eggerichs and Eggerichs. It goes into great detail about how a woman's feelings of love for a man are very closely tied to her feelings of RESPECT, and how if she loses the latter she will slowly lose the former.
It's written from a Biblical/Christian perspective, but I think it's spot-on even just physiologically and culturally. I learned a TON from it.
I don't really have any ideas on how to help you stay out of the friend zone. I hope you find a way.
Like Starsky says above it is probably better if boundaries are set earlier than later.
In my case, my W is not talking to me so it is hard to set boundaries. I would love to but it may be too late so I have to figure out something new.
You and your W cancelled the D and are talking. I would think this is makes it much easier to express to your W that a little respect is in order and please don't mention OM because that shows a lack of it.
About six weeks ago my W and I were discussing(she was yelling)some things about her probable A and every time she kept getting madder and madder because I handled it wrong.
I asked her why she was getting upset and she said I was harassing her. I said no, it is because you got caught and it p**ses you off.
I should have left it at that but I screwed up and said If you lose the OM, I still love you and we can work this out.
I guess what I am trying to say is maybe instead of walking out of the room when your W talks about OM.
Maybe stay and look her right in the eyes and tell her it is not going to be acceptable for you to keep talking about OM anymore. Then walk out.
Just my .02
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
Wonka, I am not so much the Gay Roommate as I feel like her brother.
I am going to start pushing my boundaries. I also will get the book Starsky recommends.
I thinks what drives me nuts is the OM is so much more controlling etc.
If ww and I are in a car and I ask her anything or I lay down a boundary, she's trapped and tells the MC I trapped her in the car.
If OM does it and she admits to MC badgers her and yells at her and tells her how to act she hates it but says it's because he loves her.
Maybe she believes abuse is love , I just don't get it...
I really will be careful about not discussing the affair, not talking to her about OM ( I may vent here a little) and just work on us.
We are even going away this weekend to move S21 home.
This morning she was talking to me about all these complex issues at work...I am sure I am the only one in this Love triangle she can even talk to about this...
Last edited by Oxford1; 08/07/1407:48 PM.
W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21 33 years M 28 DD 3 Feb 11, 2014 S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
I guess I am afraid if I push to hard she will leave.
She does constantly remind me that she's not leaving her house.
It's just that OM seems to badger her so much that she starts thinking about it. Then when he's gone for a few days she changes her mind and stays.
W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21 33 years M 28 DD 3 Feb 11, 2014 S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
I guess I am afraid if I push to hard she will leave.
She does constantly remind me that she's not leaving her house.
It's just that OM seems to badger her so much that she starts thinking about it. Then when he's gone for a few days she changes her mind and stays.
a) If you are basing your actions on your fear of her leaving, you will never succeed at this. Work instead, always, from a standpoint of "what is the RIGHT thing to do in this situation?"
b) Based on your comments above, you know very, very little about setting and enforcing boundaries. They are NOT about controlling, and in fact if done properly they totally LIBERATE the other person to do whatever it is they want to do (so long as they are not hurting YOU).
If I could recommend two books to you, they'd be "Boundaries" by Townsend & Townsend, and "Love and Respect" by Eggerichs and Eggerichs.
Ox, If she leaves she leaves, YOU can't control HER in any way. She is on her own journey no matter what she says.
I know you don't want her to leave, but if she stays my fear for you is she is going to cake eat till you get fed up enough and blow up thus justifying her position as a WAW.
I am not saying to force her out but don't do things that make you look like you cant be without her in the house.
In my sitch, I don't want my W to leave but if she does I am not stopping her for a couple reasons first, The space might help me to stop mindreading so much and maybe projecting a wrong aura. Second, she will have to live with her actions and the consequences that come with living the life she wants.
Third, by moving out, it takes pressure off of me and puts it on OM. My hope is that the true colors show through and my W sees that the grass ain't greener. Or then OM has to stand up and be a real man and do all the things he has probably promised her to drag her into the fog, maybe he will but my hope is he wont.
Then if W feels like coming back, I have regained some power in the relationship, Not control, but power.
I can then decide to take her back if she is truly remorseful and wants to work on things or I can say I am just fine with the way things have been since you left.
Hang in there!!
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
I guess I am afraid if I push to hard she will leave.
Okay..it looks like you prefer to stay in the gay boyfriend zone forever. From my perch, I do see that you just don't want to set boundaries, enforce them, and step up as a leader in the M.
You've been given great advice in all of your previous threads.
What makes me despair about your sitch is this:
You won't do a single jot about it at all!!
Let me tell you something here. I have NEVER, EVER acknowledged Ms. Wonka's OW for over 9 years...not even brought up her name or GASP talk about her with Ms. Wonka!
Toward the tail end of our email convo back in March 2014, Ms. Wonka pretty much came right out and "demanded" that I acknowledge the OW.
My response?
I said that I do acknkowledge her (said the OW's name for the first time in 9 years!! Barf)...but it does not necessarily mean I have to respect her. Also stated that I have never respected her before, not now, nor ever will. And I ended it by stating that "there will be some subjects that we will not be able to talk about freely and this is one of them. It is just the way it is."
Complete silence from Ms. Wonka. That's ok with me. Because I'd be damned to even acknowledge or talk about the OW!!! Ms. Wonka's feelings/thoughts/reactions about my comments are hers to own. It's all on her. I was being authentic when I told her this.
This is MY boundary. And I suspect that Ms. Wonka is clear in understanding it. No, I am not mindreading here. The hard evidence is her total silence. Meh.
This morning she was talking to me about all these complex issues at work...I am sure I am the only one in this Love triangle she can even talk to about this...
Okay. I'll play here.
What happens when you remove a right angle from the triangle? It collapses..right?
Ms. Wonka's feelings/thoughts/reactions about my comments are hers to own. It's all on her. I was being authentic when I told her this.