Wife still in MLC but has now left #2

[pbetra]

Hi Matt,

I came by to check on how you were yesterday (evening). Glad to see that you noticed that post was locked. You explained so much(!), including the people for 'examples' your W had & the patterns she's following. Your post was beautifully explained.

re: >>> How can my W buy this crap? <<<
I often wonder about this, but when it comes to family & parents/how we grew up - logic has no place. Emotion rules (I know this from personal experience ).

>> I have a feeling that my W isn't getting what she thought she would from leaving. <<<
I think so too. But like most MLCers she cannot handle confronting herself. You are receving the wrath for this revelation (on top of all), as her realization isn't what she thought it would be. She must be SO angry with herself .. & possibly (?!) her father on some level. After all, he still hasn't 'come through' for her, he isn't 'feel good' & she must 'experience that reality' somehow- who knows? But I assume her expectations re FIL & reality do not 'match'. She's angry & you're the punching bag.

>> I have real fear for my D14 if she ever needs to depend on her mother. I fear what my W will do and who she will become as the realization of what she has done hits her down the road. She is so very lost and is going deeper and deeper into the woods every day. One day she will stop running and look back and see that she is totally lost. What happens then? <<

Communication (but not too much all the time) will be important here. Also open-mindedness (unlike W), a willingness to get help it should she need to in future. She has to understand that it is the prevention/analogy cure - so that her own life would be happier & fulfiling after this ordeal during her teen + years, impacting on her youth - time lost. She is lucky to have you for a father - you are both in this together & will get through.

After reading your locked post ... I eventually found this, your new thread late last night ... & MORE - your continuing stress with this woman!!!!!

>> So much stress. I've been so stressed for long much of it because of my W. It isn't healthy and when the D is final, I lose my insurance! I need to find some way to de stress and find some kind of peace before I go insane and have my own "crisis! <<

Sorry about D /school. You are what's best for - it isn't wrong to not have mom if mom is that unstable! Parents protect their children. It was good that you didn't go into work - you really are tired & really need to decompress soon!
---------------------
I just read the remaining (new thread) replies (had started above but didn't finish last night). This is a lot for you - this is prolonged. You got some great advice. Matt you have to take a break OR 'break' . if you can't concentrate from too much nervous tension - then try walking ..something physical. Put on background music - get your mind off sitch if only for 10 mins at a time. Your brain needs breaks from the bombarding actions of this toxic MLCer, your W!

I like the suggestion re: writing grateful as well. I will put that into my own 'treatment plan' ... to build my immunity against 'MLC madness' (re grateful - I read something recently re: starting over in midlife - it was the very last (lengthy !!) comment that resinated with me. I don'r know if I can post link here, but will include details later on ...)

Work on getting strong Matt - we all must. After her/W's father's passing, I think that it highly probable that she may start her own healing without the 'influencing triggers' ALWAYS at her side, always prodding her along. However, that is no guarantee - the human condition is so complex. When my own gran died, my father said he thought he would have peace after her passing. He didn't. He had come to the realization that her death did not change anything - the war continued within him until his own passing.

Work on getting breaks from this chaos - it is your way out. I am dishearthened to read that financial is another burden for you. Take a deep breathe & make a plan for you. Re: taking breaks - your brain will 'thank' you for it (it also means that some of the crud left by th eMLCer would be out of the way, so that you could think more effectively for your future life & that of D14)

Will check on you later, ok? ...

Oh, just thought of what I am grateful for!!! YOU & so many of the posters here - those who have been to my threads & those who haven't - who I learned from (!) when I read their stories. I am grateful for this lifeline ..
THANK GOD for TECHNOLOGY - can't conceive going through this without it.

[LoisB]

Matt,

It gets better. It really does. It's not a BAM! WOW! I'm all better sorta deal...more like...you have a bit of clarity here for a few minutes...then, a month later, more clarity and it lasts a bit longer.

This is a process. I'm sorry you are in the trenches right now.

At the same time, I know my time in the trenches has pushed me to be the fabulous woman I am today.

Be careful about turning that anger inwards. You don't deserve that, but I know it's an easy trap to fall into. When someone rejects us so profoundly, it's natural to wonder..."Am I really not worth it?"

The answer is..."YES!!! You are WORTH IT! She just can't see it right now."

If someone doesn't see your value, they just aren't looking deeply enough...possibly they are so shallow right now, they are unable to look deeply.

[Lifes Twists]

Matt,

I went through a similar situation as you are. During my first round of divorce, my wifes attorney had the upper hand at first. I figured out that my original attorney was not the best one for my situation. He was following the typical path that a lot of divorces follow and not putting a lot of effort into it. I dropped him and found a new attorney. Rather than a country attorney, I went to a wealthier city nearby and found a good attorney there. He was more focused on the case and spent a lot of time getting prepared. When we had our next session, He actually went with guns loaded and asked for her to provide alimony to me. Her attorneys mouth actually hit the floor. She then disputed facts that my attorney provided about my wife that she did not have. My wife lost a lot of ground during that court session and the first divorce fell apart shortly after that.

I would suggest you ask yourself if your lawyer is doing the best they can for you. If not, then you have to decide if you can accept what is happening or get a new lawyer.

In terms of your daughter, your daughter may have the right to choose who she lives with. In my state, by their teens the kids have more say. You should look into this and then make sure your daughter is fully aware of what the law says and if she can, then she should know she can choose.

[pbetra]

On the subject of grateful, mentioned earlier & if you have TIME to read, search vibrantnation.com

Starting over in mid life - by TUF-E-NUF July 07, 2014
It starts this way > My husband and I met 5 years ago when we had both just come out of 15 year marriages. Both in our mid 40s. Both with nothing …..(& ends > ) How did we end up at 50 with absolutely nothing to show for it. I am just looking for anyone that might be in a similar situation. Thank you.


VERY LONG response but makes you think!
last comment is from -> grammayumyum says (there are others)
her story:
It starts > I am coming out of a brief marriage. I had been single for 13 years, and was quite content. … (& ends this way) now considered himself a spoiled brat, even in the midst of our present circumstances! :-)
God bless you. You may not feel like it, but you are already truly blessed!

Pls. advise if I have done wrong by posting this here - I read it to remind myself that I'm 'ok' (even though i don't always feel that way - i persist), thought I'd share. If 'wrong', will delete 'pronto'!!

[Matt165]

Hi Shining,
Thank you for your well thought out post! To answer some of your questions...my D19 has limited choices because of decisions that were made or I agreed to with my W (wish I hadn't now but hindsight is 20/20). When my D19 was 16-17 she was acting out. Much of it was due to the fact that her mom was absent for so long from her life due to depression/anxiety issues and then because she was in MLC and wasn't thinking of anyone but herself. My W talked me into not allowing her to drive as a means of control, to keep her from blowing off school, getting into trouble, etc. The summer before her sr year she and I found a way to get along and work through our problems. When her mom asked for a D, I stopped letting her influence how I dealt with my D and as a result she really changed. She ended up grad. with a 3.7 GPA and is a different person. But she was left with not being able to drive and no way to get a job or go to school. The plan was for W and I to get her a car so she could work and go to school while living at home. Now that can't happen as there's no money. Her mother told her if she lived with her she could walk to work but she is way too far from her school and there just aren't any close enough. Add to that she doesn't want to live with mom acting the way she is. She was wanting to live with me but my finances are much worse than my W's and she wouldn't even have a way to get to work. (we live in country and no buses even!). She would have to do nothing and put her life on total hold. Her BF lives in the city and she can get both a job AND go to school. She knows that living together may not be good for her R with him but I can't blame her for doing it! Just another bad thing that is coming from my W's need to find her joy!

My D14 was staying with my MIL and saw her crying while on the phone with W 3 nights out of the 4 she was there. Really broke my heart to hear her talk about it.

You are right about my general attitude and the way I'm looking at things right now. I know I will need to move towards forgiveness and away from resentment. It just seems every time I start to get closer, my W finds some new way to set me back. She just keeps bombing me with her craziness and no matter what I do or say she just does whatever she wants and usually that hurts me or my d's in some way. There is a breaking point when someone is under stress for as long as I have been. From the stress of trying to keep my M alive (with no help from my W) to the stress of having that effort fail and the way my W has gone about ending it. Every time we have come to an agreement on something she has "changed her mind" after talking to her father and done the opposite. We have had hard, emotional talks about what is best for the kids and us and I feel like maybe we can do this and then a week later my W will just say she changed her mind about all we agreed to and just do what her dad says she should, usually something that means I lose in some way.

Yes, there are good things under all this. I'm much closer to my D19 for one. There are more. In the end I will do all in my power to help my D14 get through this and she will. Just right now while the bombing from my W just won't stop, I am finding it very hard to just forgive, to see the good as the bad is just so bad right now.

Thanks Shining and I do think you are right about all you talked about. It's just finding that path to forgiveness while the woods are burning all around me is hard at the moment.

[Matt165]

Thank you pbetra, Heather and LT!
You always have such great insights. I will get through this if for no other reason than I must for my D's sakes. I'm late for work so I must go but I'll be back later. Thank you all, you are all a great help!

[Shining]

Matt, you really are doing great. I haven't posted about my first marriage, but I will say that I know the continual bomb feeling. It is a living he//. I'm so so sorry.

For me, even that did get better. Of course every sitch is different. But the stuff he did to me and my kids was unspeakable and I wished him six feet under for a long time. Kids weren't speaking to him. He ultimately gave us permission to move to a different state. The fresh start, for us, was the best thing in the world. To not have him in our lives. I didn't speak of him negatively, nor did I allow the kids. That wasn't for him, but for them. I didn't want them to have hatred in their hearts because I knew it would haunt them later. I always taught them they got a crappy deal, and it wasn't fair. And they deserved a real dad. I told them that someday, they will have to have a conversation with him to reconcile all he has done to them. Not expecting him to admit or apologize, but they needed to get it out. Never never never in a million years would I imagine that a year ago, which is now about 7 years later, he and I have slowly developed a cordial friendship. He and the kids are communicating now. After we left the state, I couldn't tell you what he did with himself. But he is a different man today. He speaks differently. It is mechanical and forced empathy at times, but he makes the conscious effort to say and do the right thing. I am actually proud of him.

The best possible outcome has already happened.

I can't predict what will happen with your family. But I can attest to the fact that stranger things have happened in the world. Years from now, who knows. Just keep the white hat on, and love today.

[Matt165]

Hi everyone, Journaling a bit today.

I'm having a really tough time lately. Last night I watched a movie. Some stupid movie where the female love interest died. I started to cry, something I haven't done for a very long time, and couldn't seem to stop. Here I am, all alone after working so hard to make a life for myself and my family. Where are my kids that I sacrificed so much for and love more than I could ever say in words? Where is the person I loved, cared for when she couldn't care for herself, gave up so many of the things I wanted (including moving 1600 miles away from MY family so she could be near hers), who promised me that we would grow old together and would never leave?

I always knew that I when I died I would be together in the afterlife with my W. That we would be buried side by side to spend eternity the way we spent our lives, together. I put in the hard work, the raising of my oldest until adulthood and soon my youngest would follow. I married my best friend and thought how lucky I was for that. Soon we would have time and money to do the things we put off to raise our family. Now it's all just over. Wiped out by the person who I trusted more than any other. I did nothing wrong to deserve this! I tried my very best, I never gave up on her even when most people would have. I did everything I knew how but my W just ran and ran. Ran right to the person who had hurt her her whole life, her father. The man who I hated not only because of the way he treated her in the past but still treated her to the day she walked out.

Nothing I do makes a bit of difference. Even the fact that she is hurting her own kids doesn't even slow her down. She would rather spend her life alone, rather have her own family members think there is something wrong with her for doing this, than make one single bit of effort, take one step back and maybe think that she is making a mistake. She even wants to change her name back to match her daddies and erase me from her life like it never happened.

I hate who she has become. I hate who she is wanting to be. I hate that everything that was important and mattered to her no longer means a thing. I hate that we now are going to make our D14 choose which parent she will disappoint on holidays, that she now will think love is just a word. That M is only until you change your mind and you don't even need to try.

I know I need to buck up and just be strong. I really need to stop the pity party and get back to work on making my new life for myself and my girls. I'm going to pray a bit. Rest a bit. Recharge my batteries. Sometimes hope is a blessing, sometimes not so much.

[Atsbaby]

Matt, It's okay to have your pity party. You are strong and you will survive. I haven't read all of your sitch, but just like you keep encouraging me, I'm here for you.

Your Ds are going to grow up knowing that there are good men out there who will do whatever they can for their wives. They will find a man just like you as they move forward with their lives.

Talk to God, listen to Him. He hates divorce and will deal with your W how he needs to. He is here for you. Love Him and He will give you what you desire most. I understand and get that it's so hard to let them go, but let more of your W go. Don't give up, but let go.

[artsy]

(((Matt)))