Old dog seeks new trick 2

[Eatsma]

Welcome back. Have watched the crazy texting, too. Don't let it make you crazy, but do put boundaries around it.

You're doing great. Hang in there.

One thing I have to keep reminding myself is that this process seems to move in geologic time. When people experience trauma, their brain actually slows time down so they can record more information. This is a curse to the LBS, in many ways. Time goes by even more slowly. And while it feels to me like I'm stuck, in many ways things have been changing for both of us.

Anyway-welcome back.

[Old Dog]

Thanks MLP. I feel I'm doing rubbish though. I feel as though I'm a rank amateur ans I just can't get the hang of this detachment lark.

I've always got that pain in the solar plexus and it isn't long before my mind starts wandering again.

I did listen to my mindfullness podcast* again today as I was on my own visiting my mother and that helps. It actually says similar things to DB in that only you are in control of your own happiness etc.

* Oli Doyle - A little peace and quiet

[Old Dog]

I've taken the boys away for a few days visiting a friend so my wife can have the week all to herself - well apart from going to work.

When we get back home on Friday, she'll be out at a work function and then be off again early Saturday so I won't see her except very briefly as I'll then have to leave for work before she's back.

Then next weekend, she's taking the boys to see more friends. I can't go that weekend which she knew, but she had no qualms booking it for them all and then 'confessing' what she's done.

She's detaching as well it seems. Sometimes I feel like its a test.

[Old Dog]

She said on bomb day that she'd would be up for 'an unconventional arrangement': one where we stay together as a 'family' but not as a couple.

I don't know how she thinks this is working out, I can't ask but I can tell you that I am not happy with this as I want a proper relationship. I miss my wife. I miss all the little things that we no longer do. I don't want to be a room mate but for the moment I guess I have to live with it, work on myself, try to be the best I can be, get a life for each place I live in (home and work) and detach.

When I'm away from home it's easier, but at home I'm never quite sure I'm doing the right thing. I try to keep busy, maintain a positive attitude (180), be polite, kind and thoughtful but not engaging and be supportive with regard to the boys.

[Ggrass]

Old dog.

She wants to eat cake, plain and simple.

[Old Dog]

It does seem like she's getting everything she wants.

She phoned up today at lunchtime whilst I was out at the pub with a couple of old friends. I told her nothing, just 'yeah, everything's fine', would you like to speak to the kids? I don't know what they said, I just went back to my friends and then we all had some food.

I just read the following by 25yearsmlc (I think) on another thread.

These "rules" state they are NOT rules but merely guidelines. These are things she (sandi) threw together one day, when she found herself repeating the same mantras and advice to people. They are more like bullet points based on MWD's books, not "rules" by any stretch.

They do NOT apply to all situations (which she states in there, up front) and they evolve too. If you are a person who neglected your spouse and chidden so YOU could work at the job you love, then yet more neglect and more "Not pursuing" is NOT the best course for you, right? In that scenario, pursuing is probably THE PATH to her heart...

I have been neglectful, but I'm not sure of my best course. Your own situation always seems more convoluted as you're right in the middle of it. A case of can't see the wood for the trees perhaps.

[Eatsma]

Old Dog -

Keep in mind that 180s are really important. And they make a lot of sense, right? If the way that you had done things before wasn't working, then do it differently. And the change doesn't have to be big...just different. Keep track of the changes. Some will work. Some will not. Keep doing the ones that work. Ditch the ones that don't. 180s are really relationship tools that can be used in ANY relationship that you have. Spouse, kids, work....Change your perspective!

Getting a life is for you. Counseling is for you. Making YOU better in this process is important and good.

Detaching is for you, too...but it's really for the spouse in crisis. They need to do this all by themselves.

Hang in there....I know your situation is hard.

[Old Dog]

Thank you MLP. Thank you.

I have such a bad script in fear of failure, coupled with inertia and procrastination that it really feels like a huge undertaking.

What I need to do is the small things: baby steps.

I understand GAL and counselling is for me and I am doing much better in this respect.

Even detaching isn't so bad, but doing 180s on emotional, relational stuff when she specifically says she doesn't want this is a problem for me.

I have copied John Gray's list of '101 ways to score points with a woman' from Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. I'll see what I can do with that.

Man it's time I was able to function properly. I'm 54 for crying out loud.

[Ggrass]

Your not that old, people can and do change.

[Eatsma]

Oh, fear of failure. Boy, oh boy, do I get THAT. I come from a family of overachievers, and it's terrifying to think that I've failed at marriage. Feels like a failure of life to me.

Stop. Deep breath. Because - at least in my situation - the only thing that I didn't do for my husband to make him happy was let him have more partners before he met me. So....that's got nothing to do with me. Of course, it has EVERYTHING to do with me, since we promised each other honesty and fidelity and all of those lovely things that we promise the person that we love. But - I didn't break the promise, and he knows right and well that he did, and he's trying to figure out how to sleep in the bed that he's made. Holy cats, it's not working. (Shock of shocks.)

Some days are good. (Today I'm feeling jolly good, actually. Or, I should say RIGHT NOW I'm feeling good.) Some days are bad. (I spend a very good chunk of yesterday crying. In public. Without remorse.)

Doing emotional things that she doesn't want...Well....Okay. I would argue that she doesn't really know what she wants. She THINKS she knows what she wants, but the fixes that she's coming up with aren't working (and aren't likely to work). You doing relational 180s are kind of for her, but they're also kind of for you. Have your children ever told you that they don't like something before they've even tried it? This is sort of like that. Looking at things from a new perspective is scary and weird, and we don't like things that are scary or weird, but it can also be exhilarating and refreshing and BETTER. Don't do the 180s for her. Do them for you. You may find you're learning something about yourself, and that could be terrific.

I hope you're enjoying a lovely day so far!