Prayers do work. None of this is easy, for sure. GAL and PMA are a daily practice and a daily struggle. I don't ever wake up bounding out of bed for the coming day, but I consciously make efforts and do mental, physical, and spiritual exercises to get as good as I can. Sometimes it doesn't work for snot. I've had the darkest of dark days earlier in all this, and a few weeks later another round of dark, episodes of scream-crying car drives, tantrums in my bed, and I'm going to have several more in the future I'm sure. This is a nightmare, even with the positives, this is a long bumpy road where there are no guarantees.
"The good thing is"..... although you are feeling so down, (not negating this fact, by any means) I can tell by your words that you have the capacity to recognize what you need to do. Not everyone can. (Pat pat pat on your back . ) And you are seeing what you can do. <<<<<keep focus here. And you are giving yourself the permission to be sad and angry, but you know that is not where you want to be forever. You are clearly on a path to figuring out what you need for you. The answers will come.
His was helpful to me for uRworthy on my first thread:
Quote:
It's a good idea to get a roadmap together on how you want to walk this. I had some things that were important to me. Having the roadmap helped keep me on track.
This was something I didn't fully understand I needed until later in the process. But without it, I tend to focus on that which is negative and out of my control. I can eeeeeaaaasily find ways to get myself off-track if I'm not careful. For me, denial and avoidance are like too much chocolate. Yummy at the time, but I would pay for it in other ways later.
I'm still working out my roadmap.... Probably still doing cookies in the parking lot lol. .
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
Hi Matt, the movie 'hit home', hard It was not the best for you at this time - 'too close' to your sitch. Why wouldn't you cry? Trying to be strong all the time under these circumstances, is an ordeal, such 'full time' work! (try some comedies too!)
I had my own pity party when I realized that I put all my eggs in this one basket, in spite of **more attractvie options but HE was MY partner (as I mentioned in **'confrontation' sometime ago).
When this happened to me, I thought, where am I now? I didn't work in the beginning of the marriage because he said he could take care of us both. He didn't want it at that time. Some suspected he didn't want me 'out there' ... He developed professionally. I didn't - I took care of the home & I stayed faithful (no matter what 'personal offers' came my way).
Where, where, where am I today?! Well uh, 'here' - older, deeply saddened, deceived & betrayed, not marketable, MORE fearful (starting over in midlife with very little but LOTS of brain fog) & him? Well, he's developed professionally throughout the years, dropped a nice big bomb on my head, & is socializing, out there with women who could be his daughters!! The man who I had to assure that I wouldn't be unfaithful b/c he was so insecure of the attention I got. That very same man. Where has it gotten me?
Trust me, I was depressed & so ANGRY with him. I get it out. I don't want the emotion staying 'within me' (he's affected me enough, can't let him get me sick too). So I express it, then I try (!!) to get distracted/busy with 'something'. Sometimes it's great - other times not so much, but I keep at it, knowing that time will help me eventually.
Try to find 'light' movies too - some thing that won't affect you too much. Movies that will have you turning off the remote with a pleasant feeling inside - maybe even a smile! p.
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
Matt, you ARE strong. Just because you're feeling low doesn't necessarily mean you HAVE to do ANYTHING. I've been feeling low today too. I'm trying to acknowledge what I'm feeling, take care of myself--went for a hike--bubble bath later--and I'm reassuring myself that I will be ok.
Grief requires some sadness. It's a part of the process of letting go of a dream of what was/what you wanted...
Labor is uncomfortable and painful, but you have a beautiful baby at the end :-)
I'm going to pray a bit. Rest a bit. Recharge my batteries.
I support ya here friend. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ You WILL be ok. Know it, believe it.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Grief requires some sadness. It's a part of the process of letting go of a dream of what was/what you wanted...
Right on, L! ^^^^
My doctor said this, too.. Article "YOUR TEARS ARE TOXIC CHEMICAL LEAKS"
"The Surprising Truth: While we usually think of crying as either weakness or Oscar bait, some researchers think the act of crying is actually the body’s way of evicting stress — literally.
As with most things, it all starts with brain chemicals. There is one called adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH), and it plays a crucial part in triggering cortisol, the hormone responsible for stress. When you get emotionally agitated, ACTH builds up, which in turn leads to more and more stress. Which makes you easier to agitate. It’s a vicious cycle to which there is no escape. So why don’t we all just choke to death on stress buildup every time we see a sad story in the newspaper?
Because sometimes, your brain just flat out declares that it has had enough of this stuff and blasts a bunch of ACTH out of your body. Through your tear ducts. We guess that’s better than leaking them out of other parts…
So crying is just the body’s way of stabilizing its chemical levels by literally squirting excess stress chemicals out through the tear ducts like optic blasts made of tiny frowns. That’s the reason most people feel better after crying — all that stuff that used to make you sad has literally been removed."
Sorry if that was too much science.... Made sense to me.
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
I remember the scene in Broadcast News when Holly Hunter forces herself to cry. I loved that scene. It's a stress reliever. You feel better after. I hate the stigma attached to crying.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Thanks everyone, It's just been such a bad time. The movie wasn't a romance, it was a comedy/supernatural thriller. Just happened that the main character was in the kind of R I always thought I would have with W and died unexpectedly in the end. I really have stayed far, far away from romance and even Disney movies! I heard from my D19 today and she spent time with her mom today. She told me her mom is acting so "stupid". They were looking at shoes and she would say "I'm a single girl now so i need to buy these kind of shoes". This with her D! Her D who she knows is upset about her parents Ding and she acts like that? This was in front of her D14 as well. Didn't she do enough damage? Does she really think that acting like the last 25 years never happened, that tearing them away from the only home they have ever known, acting like it's just so wonderful getting a D, she is so happy ripping the family apart and there is zero pain involved is a good lesson for them? God, what is wrong with that woman! D19 told my W that changing her name was a bad idea and my W said "But ____ sounds so much cooler, don't you think?". My D is 19 and knows enough to be disgusted by her mother's behavior, especially around her little sister.
It would be so much easier if she would just have walked away and just left my D with me. If she would have just done what she said she was going to do and I could just sign the papers and get her out of all of our lives.
So, instead of getting better, my W once again made sure to do something that made things stay tense. At least I didn't have to deal with her this time!
I need to go to bed and try to get some sleep. Hopefully I'll feel better once D14 comes back for "my week"!
They were looking at shoes and she would say "I'm a single girl now so i need to buy these kind of shoes". This with her D! Her D who she knows is upset about her parents Ding and she acts like that? This was in front of her D14 as well. Didn't she do enough damage? Does she really think that acting like the last 25 years never happened, that tearing them away from the only home they have ever known, acting like it's just so wonderful getting a D, she is so happy ripping the family apart and there is zero pain involved is a good lesson for them? God, what is wrong with that woman!
Matt you have been giving good advice on others' threads.
Why do you allow yourself continually to become upset by what I am sad to say is perfectly standard MLC behaviour. Yes, it is upsetting, stupid and hurtful, and yes, they all do it. I am not unsympathetic, but it doesn't help you or your daughters to dwell on it. Please trust me on that.
I am not asking you to disregard 25 years of happy life together, but she isn't doing on purpose to hurt you, and you post as if she is.
Your head knows she is in MLC crisis and all bets are off.
Beatrice is right. Matt, my h was telling his new friends about how silly he was acting now that he's single-he was still in the house. That is because I think many of them think once BD happens, they ARE single. The marriage is just a legal technicality and many just *don't like to deal* with that part.
I know it's hurtful. I do. However, it's just where she is. They will say crazy stuff. Just don't react and remember that she is on her own path. Let her walk it.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
YOU have been given a second chance. Nope, you didn't ask for it...but, you got it. What's the alternative? To spend more of your precious life attached to someone who thinks it's ok to make comments like that to your two daughters?
When I read what she said...yep, it's sad...BUT, it's also a gift...in a strange way...for your Ds. It's validation that mom is CRA-CRA right now. Nothing worse than people who are crazeeeee but able to pull off the appearance of SANITY. At least your girls are getting a full-on glimpse of the workings of her adolescent mind. It will make it easier on them in the long run when they try to recover from the neglect/emotional unavailability of their mom. It will make easier for them to see her for who she is right now than blaming themselves and turning that rejection of family on themselves.
This lady is >>>>>>>T.R.O.U.B.L.E.D.<<<<<<<<<
She has been that way for awhile. God just gave you a chance to REDO things in HIS way, YOUR WAY, FOR YOUR Ds. He gave you a WAY OUT.
Get a lil excited. Just a lil.
She only seems irreplaceable right now because of the intense hurt she has caused. When that happens, our brain tends to get confused between the love and danger element. Don't idealize your relationship. Look at it with honesty. Look at HER with honesty.
What things have you allowed in your life to hold you back? What things are you most afraid of?
God has great things in store for you my friend. Open yourself up to the possibilities of this new life.
You have two beautiful daughters who may go on to value family all the more because they watched their mom throw it away recklessly. I know that's what happened to me after my dad's MLC...I value family and those good moments together. I treasure them. I know what's really important in life.
YOU HAVE TO MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER THAN IT WAS...This is the thing that will put the rejection in it's proper place...SUCCESS...by whatever measure you hold it (doesn't have to be money)...what's your vision of success??? Take one lil action step to achieving it today. God will put things in place to help you get there.
Quote:
Verse 1: (This morning when I rose), I didn't have no doubt.
(This morning when I rose), I didn't have no doubt.
(This morning when I rose), I didn't have no doubt.
(I know the Lord) will take care of me, (I know the Lord) will provide for me, (and I know He will) lead and guide me all the way, yes, all the way.
Verse 2: (I woke up this morning, I saw a brand new day), I didn't have no doubt.
(I woke up this morning, I saw a brand new day), I didn't have no doubt.
(I woke up this morning, I saw a brand new day), I didn't have no doubt.
(I know the Lord) will take care of me, (I know the Lord) will provide for me, (and I know He will) lead and guide me all the way, yes, all the way.
Read more: Mississippi Mass Choir - This Morning When I Rose Lyrics | MetroLyrics
Much Love,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Wow. Heather, that is some absolutely friggin' awesome advice and perspective. And spot on.
Matt, re-read Heather's post to you. You'll find some real value there.
If it helps Matt, I have the same kind of ex. Troubled barely even covers it. But the mistake I made was not cutting ties much sooner than I did. But once I took my eyes off of the nuttiness - guess what? Things got better for my kids and for me. In a hurry.
It's taken time to figure out how to let the crazy go. And the ex hasn't made it easy. Neither has her husband (the white knight). The sooner you start to learn to let the crazy go (I gave it up in 2009 - <crowd says>Hi AJ) the better for all concerned.
Takes practice and determination though, Matt. You can start right now.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
. ) And you are seeing what you can do. <<<<<keep focus here. And you are giving yourself the permission to be sad and angry, but you know that is not where you want to be forever. You are clearly on a path to figuring out what you need for you. The answers will come. 
.
- older, deeply saddened, deceived & betrayed, not marketable, MORE fearful (starting over in midlife with very little but LOTS of brain fog) & him? Well, he's developed professionally throughout the years, dropped a nice big bomb on my head, & is socializing, out there with women who could be his daughters!! The man who I had to assure that I wouldn't be unfaithful b/c he was so insecure of the attention I got. That very same man.