Son 14 talked with W. He told her how he felt and why he was mad at her. She responded things just happen. How do I deal with this?
Not yours to deal with. Be glad she didn't blast you b/c although she seems very depressed, in her heart/mind she does blame you for neglect and casting her needs aside, and never asking HER of preferences or input for decisions.
She's the main bread winner, which means there is pressure for her to perform AND keep the money coming in, and she has been in that position for some time. She feels she is working to put food on the table AND is the nurturing parent for the others, the intimacy needs were NOT met by a long shot, and she's very unhappy --has been for awhile. She sounds Depressed to me.
If she really won't get help, so be it. SHE is the one who is miserably sad. Stay in your sandbox and become the man you wanted to become, for her, for the m and for Yourself.
I think she will, but I'm not sure when.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Just had a major blow up with my wife I told her that I was sick of this and she was moving back home. That she does not care about me through this whole process. I took a major step backwards told her I was leaving and she could deal with the kids.
Wow, that's a major backslide for you. SHE MAY NOT CARE ABOUT YOU right now.
She's clinically depressed and wants to flee. Blowing up at her is so NOT a good idea. I don't get your reaction to all this.
You WERE all about fixing things and working on YOU and showing her how you care, etc.
You WERE admitting she was pulling a lot of the heavy stuff...if she wants to check out of the family b/c she is "emotionally burnt out" (Like she told you) why choose now for YOU to "lose it"?
B U M M E R
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Of course she refuses. She is in a fog. She is being very selfish.
Pilot did you read THEIR marital history? Her needs have not been met by a long shot for a long time. This was recognized by him before but has been "forgotten" b/c of hurt feelings in the h.
IF she is clinically depressed, which I suspect, I would not call it "selfish". But regardless, HE is supposedly working on HIMSELF and in a very short time -- wants to quit b/c the pay off isn't certain.
That's how I (mostly) see it.
And she does not care what you think. All our WAS think this way. I am very uncomfortable with such sweeping generalizations like this, applied to "ALL" people and ALL couples. Frankly, I don't believe it anyhow.
Too simplistic...not at all a customized approach for a specific couple.
Just my .02
You should have already been prepared for this line of thinking. Which is why they say believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see.
This is also why detaching is so important. It allows you to avoid these types of emotional blow ups that set you back. Think about it.
Keep doing what DB says to do and you will find yourself in a much better place. Even if it is without your W.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I take my kids very seriously she has not been there for them and meet their needs since shortly after the second S was born. Her treatment towards their emotions built up? I do everything for them.
I take my kids very seriously she has not been there for them and meet their needs since shortly after the second S was born. Her treatment towards their emotions built up? I do everything for them.
I know. She felt shut out. Remember? She's one of the few women around here who is willing to leave ALL of her family, not just the marriage. That tells me she is damn lonely and alienated and SAD.
(OR she's a sociopath. Which do you think applies the most?)
I'm glad she has noticed your changes as much as you say. It means some of what you are doing IS working.
Of course, that does tend to support your need to make those changes, correct? And you were not the WAS; she was. It's HER needs Not being filled, that got you here, correct?
Okay....okay? I may seem super harsh right now and if so, I apologize. I just want to remind you of your words when you were FIRST here, so you don't lose sight of what is working and how you got here.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It does and I appreciate the advice. I am trying as hard as I can to meet her needs. We just went to the gym and had dinner. We talked and enjoyed each others company and she gave me my birthday presents. I just have to remind myself several times a day that this is going to be a long process. We also made plans for the weekend and she is coming home early to stay with the kids while I go to a football game tomorrow. She is starting to make herself available to watch the kids. I am learning to let her help.
Wife came home a day early to watch the kids while I went to a football game. We emailed each other a couple of times during the game. She didn't responded to one email in which I asked how she was doing and another where I asked if she was happy some shoes fit. Just have to take this day by day.
So sports have begun for the kids again I couldn't go to the gym with W. Starting reading my copy of DB. Going to pick her up after I take her suggestions as far as picking up the kids. Trying to stay strong very anxious still know it's too early for M talk just work on R and things should be ok. Maybe go to a movie tonight.
