What to do when an EA involved?

[Hoju]

I've been following the guide for a little less then a month now, giving space, detaching and GAL. It's been going very well for me and my wife has noticed, she often says why didn't you do this years ago. However, when ever we talk it always comes down to the same thing, she doesn't want to give us another chance because she doesn't want to give up the OM she has fallen in "love" with.

Is there anything else I can do to stop the EA from becoming a PA and ruining our marriage forever? I'm guessing no as the first scoop of ice cream is always better and more interesting then the last.

[MrBond]

Have you read DB or DR?

[Hoju]

I went to the library for the first time yesterday and they will have DR in within the week, it looks like I'll have to order DB online though, not sure which i should start with or if it even matters.

Is it still ok to hold onto hope and let your spouse know you still care about her? Not that you need her in your life, the choice to leave is hers and is entirely free of any guilt.

The other night she was bawling and very upset with guilt over what she was doing. I decided to go and comfort her since not being there emotionally is why she wants out in the first place. I gave her a gentle hug told her everything was going to be ok and that if she wanted to talk to come get me. I then excused myself and went for a run. Was this the correct course of action? Or should i have just let her work through it herself?

[sandi2]

Welcome aboard. Of course you should hold on to hope! Many marriages survive an EA. It is serious and difficult, but very possible.

The manner in which you respond is crucial and therefore you need to get as much information ASAP!

I am having to use my phone to post ( and not very well I'm afraid), so tomorrow I hope to write you more.

Can you give us a little more history about your M?

[Hoju]

Thanks for your comment sandi, I'll look forward to any advice you can offer.

I'm 28 and my wife is 27 we have been together 10 years and married for only 2. I've always felt we had a very healthy relationship, we would do a lot of things together, with friends and with both our families. Shortly after we got married we tried to have kids and found out I have poor sperm and it would be unlikely to conceive naturally. We tried ivf and after that failed we found out that my wife might have issues as well. While we waited for the test results to come back my wife began going out more and started drinking (something she hadn't done while we were trying). About a month ago she told me she no longer loved me and that she was starting to have feelings for someone else. I don't know if she ever said the D word but it is definitely implied. She has since moved out of our bed and into the guest room as well as stopped speaking to me and avoids me as much as possible.

I'm not innocent in all of this I've been an avid gamer my entire life and often would put games before her needs. I realize now I have an addiction and quit immediately after realizing how bad things had gotten.

I've been trying to follow the rules and just give her space but I feel her drifting further away with no reason to ever return. She is very needy so I'm not sure if space is the right method or if i should try to support her and beg her to give us a chance, she is a good person and doesn't want to see me hurt.

[Hoju]

We spent this weekend pretty much 100% a part. I went to visit some friends on saturday and i assume she did the same, only thing is she never came home saturday night, which nearly killed me. I know I'm not suppose to think or care about what she does because I can't change it but it hurts so much to think she spent the night with the OM. This morning things changed again, she moved all of her stuff to the guest bathroom to get ready, i have barely spoken to her so i'm not sure why this would happen? Am I reading too much into it?

[sandi2]

I can see your pain in the posts you've written. I'm sure this must be so hard to understand what's happening to her.

I know I'm not suppose to think or care about what she does because I can't change it but it hurts so much to think she spent the night with the OM.

Let's look at this again, okay? You are suppose to care about what she does b/c she's your W and you love her. Of course it hurts to think she may have spent the night with OM! (Do you know for certain she stayed with him?)

If you didn't care about what she does, you'd probably check out and move on. I believe the point you may be thinking about is to not allow her actions to take over your life and cause you to react with negative behavior. It's only human to feel the pain our loved ones can inflict upon us. But it is up to us in what we do with it. We can react in every negative, unproductive, unattractive, and unhealthy way imaginable....or we can do the opposite.

We say divorce busting is counter-intuitive b/c it really does seem to be the opposite of what we feel like doing, or think should work. Our nature wants to hold on tighter, but it doesn't work with a WAS (walk away spouse). And you are correct about not being able to control her. You may be surprised to learn that you tend to have more controlling ways than you thought. This journey can be an eyeopener about ourselves.

On the other hand, you may be the type of guy who is very passive and just lets your W take care of everything, make all the decisions, and boss you around. I hope you're not, b/c women lose respect for their H when they don't speak up, stand up, and lead.

I am really sorry to hear about the results of the IVF. You said you found out W had issues as well as you. I assume you mean her having physical problems of getting pregnant? I can't pretend to know how either of you must feel. The disappointment must be overwhelming.

Was it upon learning this news that your W suddenly changed her behavior? Was she drinking out of sadness or anger....or both? Did either of you seek any counseling after the news?

You definitely need support during this ordeal, and if you will stay with us, I'm sure others will join in to let you know you're not alone. Maybe there is someone else who has experienced the pregnancy problems you are facing and can help you much more than I can.

I encourage you to stick to one thread until it locks, then start another one. It makes it easier for us to keep up.

Read all you can about walk away wives. Read the Divorce Remedy book all the way through.

[Hoju]

Thanks for your reply sandi, i fear i've really messed things up now though. She came to me tonight to discuss the next steps for separation and i did everything wrong. I tried to convince her to stay and discussed the marriage and many of our problems. Ugh i'm such an idiot my mind kept telling me to just walk away but my mouth wouldn't stop talking.

She hadn't been drinking while we were trying to get pregnant, she is by no means an alcholic or anything just enjoys having a good time with friends. We didn't seek counseling after the failed ivf, perhaps we should have i thought our relationship was strong enough to get through it.

[Hoju]

Update, more details about our talk.

I read somewhere that spouses really do know how to push buttons that lure their spouse into an argument and I feel I got caught on that trap. She wanted to talk about how to move forward with the separation, I feel I started out well by telling her simply that she would need to look into it and decide how she wanted to proceed, this is the point I should have walked away. She continued to push saying she wanted my advice and needed to talk about how we would split things up, at this point I said I didn't want to separate but I wouldn't fight her on it and she should talk to a lawyer. It was at this point she started to look really sad and would dangle reconciling just within reach and then pull it away and attack something in our marriage or about me. I tried to remain calm and tried to be sure to not beg or plead her to give us another try. I just continued to let her know I cared about her and was making changes for me.

She so badly wants my blessing for getting a divorce and i don't understand why? She says things like I don't understand how you were so blind sided by this? Which to me is shocking considering we had a great weekend at a friends cottage the week before and the week before that she was at my moms going through old family pictures to create an album for me.

She left for a drive after realizing we were just going in circles, this is when i made the above post. When she came home I appologized and said we should sit down and talk about the logistics, this was the hardest conversation i've ever had while keeping my emotions in check. After a long late night discussion about how to split up the assets and where she would go, she said she was tired and didn't want to think about it any more. I spoke to her this morning as she agreed that it would be ok for me to go to our volleyball league together, she knows how much i love playing. I asked if we should drive separate and let people know about what's going on and she said no we can drive together and not to tell anyone yet.

I'm now more sure then ever she has no intention of giving up the OM to give our relationship another go. I'm slowly coming to terms with that, I will no longer ask her to stay and help her with the separation papers if she needs it.

Thanks everyone for reading your support has helped me through by far the hardest year of my life.

[Hoju]

If your wife says she doesn't love you any more, is having an EA and doesn't seem interested in saving the marriage is it worth it to try marriage counselling? I do believe that if I asked her to go she would but I've read that in these cases it may do more harm then good as she will be unreceptive to what the counsellor is saying and will just use it as validation that the relationship is unsavable. I'm interested to hear what othershave to say about this situation.

Edit: I'm still waiting on the library for the DR book, so if it's covered in there I'm sorry.