H. is out this morning finding boxes so he can pack. I know this is happening, but moments like that when he announces things throw me for big loops.
I called my dad this morning. I then called a lawyer. I've been encouraged by a number of people to create a separation agreement to protect myself, and to do so fairly quickly. This doesn't preclude reconciliation and it helps to protect my assets. H. has already said we should just keep our own assets, so I'm hoping that this goes easily, but I guess that we'll see. It feels like another nail in the coffin, though.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
H. is out this morning finding boxes so he can pack. I know this is happening, but moments like that when he announces things throw me for big loops.
I called my dad this morning. I then called a lawyer. I've been encouraged by a number of people to create a separation agreement to protect myself, and to do so fairly quickly. This doesn't preclude reconciliation and it helps to protect my assets. H. has already said we should just keep our own assets, so I'm hoping that this goes easily, but I guess that we'll see. It feels like another nail in the coffin, though.
Megan, I'm sorry. The real possibility of my H moving out very soon has had me in a tailspin lately. (((Hugs)) to you.
I just got in, and H got in a few minutes after me. I told him that I talked to the lawyer about the agreement, and he says we won't need one because we won't go after each other's stuff.
He also said that if he gets his things packed up and shipped today, he might just leave tomorrow. I wasn't expecting that, and it was hard to hear. I just said, "okay". He sighed a bit and made a weird face at me. I got the impression that he expected something more or different from me. I just said, "what" and he kind of sighed again, started to say something, and then switched to, "I just have a lot to do." I have no idea what that was about.
Now, the important stuff:
I could use thoughts on whether it's best to be here or to be away when he leaves. Being here sounds awful, and I have no idea what I would even say. But being away leaves me feeling like a coward, like I can't face my own husband.
And, if I do stay, what kind of things do I say when he leaves?
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
I'm going to go the other way and say stay if you can (but I already warned you it is hard). He's leaving, not you and it gives you a few days to try to put on a brave face and give him some memories of you that you are proud of. Don't engage in any major way, just watch. As I said on your old thread - yoga is a great. Have a drink after work with friends. But stay in the house if you can.
When my H left he did comment on how I was out doing things and that he'd need to start doing the same (rather than moping around). I didn't know that I was DBing at the time but given the limited times we've interacted since I think it is important that he recognized I was getting out there and could take care of myself. Now my goal is to show him that I still am.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
ganb8te, I'm unclear on whether this is a trial separation or a pre-divorce separation too, but my gut feeling is that right now he feels like it's the latter. I'm not sure if I want to know or not. I'm also not sure if I should be talking to him about what kind of separation this is and if and when we should be checking in with each other.
Can I ask how you approached this topic with your H.? I'm concerned H. would see this as pursuing or trying to change his mind or keep him trapped right now.
You asked me this on your old thread…bringing it across. If you read my story you'll see that it was the MC who seemed to push this from trial separation into pre-divorce territory in my sitch. Actually there was a point at which she said to "It sounds like this is a separation" to which he responded in an annoyed tone "Yes it is a separation!" I was thinking - use some more specific terms already, I know we are separating! We argued after the counseling session but that is when I asked him to put a timeframe on it and we agreed to 3 months.
Actually, I don't think it's useful to categorize as trial vs pre-divorce as at this point (things change when you are on your own - it will for him too) but if you can try to get a timeline for your own mindsake I think it would be helpful.
Read Taking Space by Buchicchio.
Last edited by ganb8te; 08/06/1410:04 PM.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Meghan, I was there when my W moved out. I stayed kind of distant, not actively helping, and not hovering, but I was there. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Like you said, someone has to leave first, and since I was staying, that meant that she had to leave on her terms, not me leaving because of her terms. Whether it was the smart or the right thing to do, I don't know, but if I had to do it again, I think I'd do the same.
As for what was said, W just said "We'll get through this. Both of us." And I simply smiled, said "goodbye", gave her a kiss on the forehead, and went in the house.
Stay strong, we're all behind you.
Me: 28 W: 28 Together: 9.5 years Married: 4 years Bomb dropped and W moved out: 6/15/14
