Nitty in a Nutshell (Help! I'm in a nutshell!)

[Ggrass]

^^^^^^ hell yeah!

So true. Leave me where god flung em. So true.

[Nitty]

Feeling so scared today. Next mediation appt is mañana.

The fear has been building, even though I know: fear is just me trying to escape an outcome my mind has imagined.

I talked to my sons, they are glad D is happening, they believe it is the only solution, because H is a "hurtful stranger" and "emotionally abusive."

Whenever they talk to me like this, I always tell them:

• H is in MLC; he is confused and lashing out and I have compassion for his turmoil.
• I do not intend to be a doormat.
• If I'm hurting, it's because I let myself be hurt, that H can't hurt me if I don't let him.
• No matter what, their father loves them and needs them.

My defense of H is automatic, I don't need to think about it, my words are so well-rehearsed they come out of my mouth without any effort on my part whatsoever.

I need to stockpile well-rehearsed pep talks for me, not H. I am a child of God and I have no reason to fear anything on this planet.

And yet my belly has been hurting for days.

My strategy tomorrow: somehow keep the road home paved and clean while protecting my rights.

• I'm getting my hair done, will wear a nice dress. Maybe put on self-tanner tonight.
• I will Act As If I am confident, firm, and resolute.
• I will maintain the attitude that I do not think D is the right decision, but I respect Mr. Gritty's feeling that it must be so.
• I will bring in my proposed expenses, which seem so godawful high, and put them on the table with a straight face. I deserve this much. This is half of what we spent back in the days when I believed my marriage was a good one, back when I believed we were happy. Back when I felt like all our years of being so frugal had finally paid off and we were taking trips and enjoying life.
• I will not be intimidated and if I do feel intimidated, I will say so in a non combative way.
  • "I'm not feeling confident about this direction we're taking."
  • "I know you will understand my need to review this with my atty before I decide."
  • "I am feeling confused about how this is best for both of us; it might save us time and money in the long run if my atty was here to explain it to me."
• I will take a deep breath before I speak, whenever I speak.

And what if he cancels the appt? Or says, "I've changed my mind! I don't want to D!" I have rehearsed responses from Starsky that I've found in these forums:

• "What has changed for you since our last meeting?"
• "It's a lot to think about and things aren't that simple anymore.”
• "We both have some decisions to make, and I have a lot to think about.”
• "I don't want a divorce, but I won’t live in an open marriage.”

I am so scared. Why? I dislike this fear! Why am I holding on to it? I must let go, in more ways than one.

[HopeTex]

Nitty I think you have a good perspective and a good plan. Totally understandable to be fearful. In the end all will be well.

[Nitty]

Thanks, HopeTex. I'm wondering if I should hire a DB coach. If it's not too late. Like, today is our anniversary, and I want to text or call Mr. Gritty and say something to let him know I remember the day, but am not sure if that is appropriate or not.

In my inbox this morning: an email from the mediator, canceling our appt "due to illness."

A REPRIEVE.

I figure any delay is good, gives H more time to wake up. Gives me more time to become a strong enough person to develop a backbone.

I have a real problem dealing with the anger of others. I realize that in the last decade I started to back down whenever Mr. Gritty became angry. Especially if I feel insecure about something.

Whereas before I would just withdraw from anger or get defensive, now I do both AND spiral into a deep black hole of fear and self-disgust, like I deserve this anger because I am bad.

An example:

During our first mediation I turned in my expenses. Stuff Mr. Gritty did and said:

• He got angry and raised his voice
• "What the hell! I don't make that much! You obviously can't add or subtract."
• "You've got a huge wakeup call coming!"
• "Our community property state is pretty damn clear and there's no way you're gonna get more than I even make!"
• "You're just trying to punish me for the affair, but a no-fault state doesn't care!"
• "And it wasn't even really an affair the way most people consider affairs!"
• "You're just loving being the 'victim' here, aren't you?"
• etc.

At that point in time I felt

• SO guilty,
• Like people would believe this story!

All the while thinking,

• I am bad at tracking money.
• I always hated being the family accountant because I wasn't good at it
• I do make mistakes.
• In fact, any mistakes I've made here will be evidence of me "padding" my expenses and will prove his point, oh no!
• And he still doesn't realize that I've forgiven him, of course I forgave him, how can I prove I've forgiven him?,
• Am I making too big of a deal about the affair? Would other people think so?
• I do feel like a victim, maybe I'm portraying that to people, I hate "victimhood" in other people, I am such a hypocrite!
• etc.

So I got defensive, which was a waste of time.

It gets so very busy in my head. If I would just stop and focus on the business at hand, if I would just stop distracting myself with my insecurities, I know I will be better off, whether or not he goes through with the D.

As I prepared the financial statements again for the new mediator, I felt the anxiety build until it was overwhelming. I knew he would get angry, and my belly filled with fear whenever I thought of it.

I lined up some professionals behind me to help me stay strong in case I am weak like this. An atty can come to mediation and sit with me. The financial people will always go over any proposed settlement before I sign it. And they can check my work for errors.

I've got a C to work with me. I'm journaling, praying, meditating. And now I have a reprieve. More time to work on me.

Tonight I celebrate our anniversary by myself. 27 years ago today I promised "For better or worse." Last year I thought cancer was the "worse" but I had no idea. Who knew?

This year I learned that "worse" is betrayal and abandonment. "Worse" is the body of the man I've loved for over 3 decades walking around with a stranger inside, operating the controls.

There are other worses in other lives, but in my life, this is the worse.

Can I ride it out? 27 years ago today I promised I would.

I want to call him and tell him this, but I know that would be pursuing.

[Roberta]

It is never too late to speak to a Divorce Busting Coach. Divorce Busting Coaches specialize in helping people in extreme situations. Please do not waste any more time. Call us to discuss our coaching program. 303-444-7004

[Atsbaby]

((((Nitty))))

I totally understand! I had to celebrate my anniversary without celebration either. I think H did feel guilty because he did go to putt-putt with the kids and me, but nothing was said or presents given. I did give him a general card, didn't say anything about anniversaries, but just wishing things were better and different.

Now I see why, there was OW that he spent the morning with!

The positive is that you did NOT have mediation on this day. It's not much, but God is protecting this day for you!

[Shakspr]

Nitty:

Since you mentioned in an early post that you are a child of God, I offer you this. God loves you. Hatred and anger from the MLC spouse are an outpouring of iniquity and spiritual attack.

We on the forum don't know you but WE DO CARE. We are all in this and when you sit there with that knot in your belly and your throat wants to choke you, know that you are not alone.

I offer you this, and suggest that you write it down:
2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

And if that isn't enough, here are the verses that keep me sane these days: http://gaurang.org/pub/thought-conditioners-norman-vincent-peale.pdf

[LiveNow]

Nitty -- there is a reason your mediation appointment did not take place. Yes, a reprieve. Some more time to think, or plan. I am in the same boat. Mediation coming soon. I don't even know how I am going to actually DO it, sitting in the same room with H, discussing how we are going to divorce each other. To me, that just is still unbelievable. It takes guts, and you have them. Do not let him scare you in any way -- he is just another human being, same as you. You're strong, and you'll come out of this even stronger. I hope the extra time gives you whatever you need to get through it all.

[HopeTex]

Lots of us men use anger to try to get what we want.

[HopeTex]

Shakespr, thanks for that link. Been in big time despair the last couple nights, needed to remember how God sees things, and sees me.