We talked about my outburst and she said she accepted my apology and then she started to cry. It's the first emotions I have seen out of her in a while.
Meet W at the gym and took her to Ikea. Asked her what she was feeling and she said she couldn't put it into words. Was able to get from her what her problem was and we talked a little. I explained that my outburst was not over anger at her but the situation. She said she understood and we talked quite a bit.
We are communicating a little better. W said that she was having a hard time putting her feelings into words. I am starting to get out of her the problems she is having. She also says that she cares about me that's why she spends so much time with me. Have to follow Sandi's advice and be very patient with her. I am not trying to put any pressure on her and I asked her to let me know if I was.
W called to wish me a happy birthday. Tried to sound happy and upbeat but I felt pretty bad. She said that we should do cake and gifts Saturday and I said that was fine. She then asked me to meet her at the gym later tonight. I am doing a lot of things without her but I really miss her and have no clue if what I am doing is working. She has not spoken to the kids since Monday and was in the neighborhood yesterday and did not come to see them.
Sandi W and I had an argument but at least talked to each other about it after. She said that she cares that's why she spends time with me. From what I see she does need time alone not to date just to be herself. We talk and she is still shopping for the house and wants to do a project in the powder room together. I got my copy of DR and I am reading it. I am afraid that with the start of football season this would be a setback. I coach one of our S team. I told the other coaches that I would not always be available. So I don't know if W is testing the waters but she knows tonight is practice and asked if I would go to the gym with her. She has a set schedule in her head about how much time she wants to spend with us and tries not to deviate from it. I'm trying my best to follow your rules except for going dark and making myself available. I am following your advice and she is letting me touch her again not romantically but she does not shy away from my touch. I am having a hard time today because while I do detach and am GAL her being so emotionless is causing some anxiety on my part.
25yearmic we have moved from no I don't want to talk to anyone to it depends on what you want to get out of counseling. I told her that I have not changed what I told her from day one that I want our family whole and to be stronger and we needed help. She still seemed hesitant almost afraid and I saw concern in her eyes so I backed off. I will ask again in a month while I keep showing her the changes that I am making.
25yearmic we have moved from no I don't want to talk to anyone to it depends on what you want to get out of counseling. I told her that I have not changed what I told her from day one that line^^ struck me as NOT very desirable. It's you sort of stressing "I have NOT changed"... and I wonder if that is something you ought to be saying at the moment...Do you see why I say that?
that I want our family whole and to be stronger and we needed help. She still seemed hesitant almost afraid and I saw concern in her eyes so I backed off.
Well She feels pressured, clearly. Back off.
I will ask again in a month while I keep showing her the changes that I am making.
Goal #1 is changing you, and #2 is doing those changes in an open overt way....
& FAR DOWN the list is your desire for counseling - b/c it's clearly something she sees as you manipulating her, again, or trying to control the outcome of this....again
and b/c it is a rare person who gets much out of C, when they do NOT want to go. Usually it cements their reasons for wanting to leave, more than anything else.
Do not pressure a reluctant spouse to go to MC. Bad idea.
I hope you can get help BUT without it coming off as pressure to change HER. Which is the impression I'm getting.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I see what you are saying, she does tell me she sees the changes that I have made and that I am trying very hard. She has also been telling me what problems she has when I ask. I let her know that I am not trying to fix the problems but help her work through them. I took you advice and have been listening to her and she seems to be happier. I still have problems with her contradictions between actions and statements.
I also asked her if she felt like I was smothering her and she said no. I also asked if she wanted me to continue making plans for us on the weekends and she said yes she enjoys going out with me. I have also let her know how much I appreciate her and the time she spends with me.
We started climbing this past weekend and she loves it. I asked if she wanted to do this together because you need two people to climb. She said yes so it's an activity we can do together .
