So today she texted me about our S ... and apologized for "Being a B" ... but then pretty much said its because I walked away and would not pick up the phone, in a sense saying sorry but its your fault. I did not really engage, we made small talk via text but nothing deep... she took S up to her family and I told her to drive safe and have a good time, its been pretty quiet since.
I was at my motorcycle class all day so I felt good about my stride in the GAL department. Wish the book would have arrived today I have a good deal of time I could spend reading. So I will read here and try to learn / improve more.
2t2m No worries at all, we are all here for help and 25 has already shown me how far off I was when I thought I was on track.
I have both books on the way, seems I am having difficulty with the detaching/validation combination. Seems its a fine line to walk , GAL but still try to connect and get more information. Looking back on the marriage I took on the extra work because I felt she wanted the money, she always stressed about that regardless of where we were .. .turns out she wanted me there more, this is something I have talked to her about and have openly regretted. I know you have said this^^ before. But you also ENJOYED the work and admitted elsewhere that you in fact could get a better paying regular job and thus would have more free time for her. I just feel as if you are still defending your decision and then saying you regret it, but defending it, again.
When you make a mistake, admit it and don't bother defending yourself. The only time you can offer an explanation (not an excuse) is when she asks, but merely repeating that it was a mistake "BUT..."...the more you just sound as if you would do the same thing again with the same facts.
You are trying to show that it's NOT the case, right? So don't defend it so much. Admit the error, correct it, and move on.
I heard a therapist say once "A problem being handled, is no longer a problem." I like that.
The 180's I have made: I have opened up the weekends, I dropped the Saturdays when I commeted to our relationship (I did now know OM was still in the picture as she was not honest about that)... why is OM relevant to your choice to open up your weekends? You keep going back to HIM as a topic, but what's the point here? You made a needed change "but I did not know OM was..." Well so what?
The change was needed, right? So OM does not matter. OM is a symptom of problems in the marriage, not the cause of problems.
so with this new time I have been availible for us doing things as a family .. or I have done things with my son while she did her thing Good^^...
(I did make sure never to ask with who or where and got to a point it just didnt matter as I was working on me) also good ^^^
I have gone to church on a regular basis ... not one of her big issues with me, but one I actually pursued on my own, I have become increasingly more spiritual since losing my family. I'm happy you are finding comfort in your faith. It can be such a great tool to help us learn what truly matters.
I lost a good deal of weight ( however gained a few back recently so I need to get back on that) GOOD news! taking care of your health and your appearance are two visible ways to GAL and do some 180s that are consistently appealing. And healthy! (obviously.) It shows self restraint, and self respect and some discipline as well.
It's attractive, although I know you're doing this for YOUR health and appearance, and her finding it appealing is simply some gravy...
I have done alot better not getting angry, using a softer voice and talking calmly to her.
That is good to do. Any new behaviors that are positive? I mean it's great you are NOT doing the "losing temper" thing, or getting too angry AND using a softer voice.
Are there any 180s or things you can do or say that would be in HER love language or would fuel her "love tank"?
What are HER love languages? And yours?
I do suggest you read The Five Love Languages when you get a chance. It's not a hard dense book, it's an easy read but the information is a great reminder to me to accept and welcome the love my h shows me, even when it's not "wrapped" in the paper I would have chosen, if you get my meaning.
Do you get what I mean?
Anyhow, good luck!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Ok .. another book I need to pick up ... Thank you so much for all the advice, starting to see things a bit clearer ... baby steps
And yes I realize the OM is a symptom of the issues we had and its pretty much how I have viewed it ( when I was not so hurt and upset about it) the only reason I brought it up was that I feel like a fool for thinking we were working on us and he was still in the picture when she had told me he wasn't .... once I came to the realization it didn't matter if her were 10 inches or 1000 miles away all I could do was work on me ... I have been in a much better place and seems in the past few months that relationship has lost the luster.
My S called (As we agreed he would regardless of who is is staying the night with) ... she took him up to her parents for the weekend. I chatted with him and I always enjoy our talks .. she has him do it on speaker, always has ... so I make sure I am happy, asked about his day and he asked about mine, I told him all the things I did and that I just got home, she actually talked to me a bit ... just light stuff. Then after asked me about my schooling via text ... was a nice talk .. baby steps
Today so far was a good day, finished up my motorcylce course, felt good to get out of my shell a bit. W texted me a pic of our S I replied back with a positive about our son ... I continued with my GAL attempts .. ran some errands and am currently doing doing laundry and cooking. Fighting the urge to text her, I did find the 5LL online and can kindle it so I loaded that up and will start to read it today. She just texted some more about our son, I am not sure how to take this ... I am concerned about being friend zoned ... I have not replied as of yet. Might wait till I am finished with the things I need to get done today.
W dropped off son, she seemed ok, we had absolutely no connection ... kinda wish something was there but atleast there was not a fight either. Just seemed very business like she was in a hurry so she could get to the store and back to her place. Hold true and keep my eye on the prize I suppose.
Dropped off S this morning with her, she invited me in, very buisness like ... son showed me his room, he had hung up some posters and was very proud, I noticed 2 pictures that W and I had bought in Costa Rica, Pointed them out and mentioned it was a nice fun trip. Talked to W for just a bit ... failed to cut it short and be the one who walked away .. She mentioned she might have a work dinner I offered to take S (Didn't buy its a work dinner but honestly it does not matter either way). She asked if she could give me a hug or joked and offered a handshake (This bothered me .. almost like being freind-zoned) During the hug I told her I hoped she had a good day as I knew she was worried about her job and didn't like it very much, confirming to her that I have been listening and care about her troubles at work. I do not consider this morning a positive, just felt there was no to little connection there, just deflating and I know I can not give up ... but today its just hard.
So the W texted me on her drive to work, first about our S then about her Job and then her brother ... in the past I was not always open to talking .. reading the 5LL I think this was one of her issues with me, so in fear that it hurts my detach .. I feel if I can just listen and validate with these talks it builds small positives. Felt like we were at least talking and connecting somewhat up till she got to work. totally quiet and dark after that, she did just txt telling me she needs S trunks and goggles for swimming. Guess I will take this morning as a positive .. baby steps ...
About 1/2 way through the 5LL I really feel like a fool... reading this forum and that book (Still waiting on DB and DL) I know I could have avoided this mess 2 years ago .. but here I am praying its not to late to salvage it all. I miss her and my family more than I thought possible
Don't feel to bad about the 5LL. I read and did those last July. My WAW had apparently long checked out and actually had me stop doing them. It was a fools errand.
Me: 35 Her: 33 D : 16 S : 9 Together: 14 years Married: 12 She left 4/14/2014 Separated: 5/25/2014 OM Confirmed 7/2014 She filed 8/7/2014 I Filed 10/21/2014 Divorce final 2/12/2015
Don't feel to bad about the 5LL. I read and did those last July. My WAW had apparently long checked out and actually had me stop doing them. It was a fools errand.
I get that ... but her LL was more about affirmation and quality time .. however mine is physical touch and affirmation .... things I am now trying to use without chasing ... I thanked her today for setting up S dental appt and I had told her a month ago I would take the day off to take him (180 here) the fact this new job I have alot more freedom to do things like this and attend school activities for my son is a huge and much appreciated 180 for me ... I have always wanted to do these things but couldnt and she resented me for that.
Tonight took my S to buy cleats and guards for his soccer season, took him out to dinner and sent her a pic via text ... as she did for me this weekend. She is going out to dinner (Sales Team) not sure if I buy the with who .. but does not really matter honestly .. I had a eureka moment in the car today asking myself am I more upset over losing her .. or losing her to another guy ... I can not control the OM issue so all I can do is make changes for the better for me regardless of what she does. .... baby steps and keeping a PMA
