This is just my opinion from what I experienced with my H...
My H distanced himself from me and the kids, yet as time went on, he seemed to get offended that he didn't know the details of what was going on in our day to day lives. He couldn't see that this was his own doing. He was also very sensitive in the fact that he was convinced our boys loved me more than him.
I know it may not seem like it, but underneath it all, they do love their children - and us too. They are just so emotionally paralyzed by their pain and what they take to be insurmountable life problems, they can't properly express their feelings for their family. It doesn't mean they don't care.
I would share the news with your H if you can do so with no expectations - if you can go into it knowing that he may very well have the reaction of an inanimate object.
This IS exciting news, that you would share with friends and family. If you think it's the right thing to do to share it with your H - regardless of his reaction - then do so.
Congratulations to your son! The vets say that life doesn't stop because of MLC, and they are right. Keep living and enjoying these kinds of moments - that is what life is all about
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Think about what you hope to accomplish with a meeting:
- Can you keep your expectations low? (He might, after all, want to meet so he can pressure you into an un-advantageous divorce settlement).
- Can you meet without getting upset? (If so, better to postpone meeting until you feel stronger)
- Do you want to show him what he's missing? (Always nice to show up looking super-hot with a new haircut or such - good for the ego)
- Do you just want to see if he's ok? (he may not reveal much to you, but be prepared for him to look like crap)
- Do you want to discuss your financial divorce concerns with him? (If so, be prepared and stay on topic)
I found it was helpful to write down a few important sayings on an index card, tuck it in my pocket, and retire to the ladies room to read it when things got overwhelming.
To add even another option, Lol!, I would just talk about it on the phone. UNLESS, you can do an unbelievable job at presenting the very best Shining while meeting face to face.
I went from NC to responding to communication (NEVER initiate), but avoid face to face right now. So, I'm not being cold, but I just don't think meeting face to face right now is good for ME. So I'm not.
If you have any reservations about face to face, I would defer it. Just my .02
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
There is so much to this, I'm leaving out a lot, but here are main points:
I had debated wearing my wedding ring the whole drive there. I haven't taken it off. For me, it's right. I have gotten some amazing advice here, so I considered something uRworthy wrote that hasn't left me. "He doesn't want to be married right now." So I took it off. Just so it wasn't a sign that I'm not hearing him. Idk, probably overthought, but it was a 180.
After work, we met at a little pizza place for a soda. I went in with zero expectations. This was the first meeting we had in the 3 mos we've been apart, that wasn't under the guise of "business". That fact terrified me. I thought, well, this could either be H really wanting to know about me and he kids....or....he's serving me D papers.
When I saw H in the parking lot, H pulled up next to me. He was shuffling papers and large envelopes before he got out. My heart sank.
Then, he opened the door and walked toward me with only a small envelope of my mail. Whew. At least for now.
Went inside, and ordered my coke. H asked if I had eaten yet, and I said no, then he asked if I would want to gab something. So we had dinner together.
It was actually pleasant. His eyes were normal....sad but not crazed. Lots of eye contact. It was nice. H eyes are gorgeous. .
He kept beginning his questions with, "I know I don't have the right to ask this" or "it's none of my business, but..." Or "you don't have to tell me if you don't want to...." He also said to "hug he kids and tell them hi...if they care". What is that?
H asked how am I doing. Several times. This is a recent thing, usually by text. I blew it off at first. I updated H on all the kids. H was seemingly interested and asked many follow up questions. Then H asked about me again. He said he thinks about me often. He looked deep into my eyes as though he wanted to know something specific....
I told him I've been keeping busy, with kids, working out, reading, going to church....H eyes lit up. Church? Not that H was surprised, but as though he already knew this and was waiting to ask me about it.
He asked as though he knew the answers and he was checking his info with my story. I can't explain but the rhythm changed...
H asked what church. H asked where it was. (It's not very close) H asked who told me about it..... Bingo. The mysterious 'who'.
It occurred to me that I had told his D19, and a mutual female friend of ours, about this church. I also told them that..... (here it comes......) an old friend (really good looking man, single and successful) from high school (which was in a far away state, so total coincidence he's in same city now) happened to tell me about it. Ba-da-bing----go.
No....really. I saw EXACTLY what I've read about. The thing that has happened to so many others when the thought crossed his mind that I could have moved on! Without him! But he cheated....but if I move on, that's different.... Yeah. Totally saw that look.
Btw, not dating and won't. Not even a maybe. End of topic.
H whole demeanor changed. He was clearly uncomfortable but smug at the same time. So he started digging. I said I'm not dating him. (All the while I felt like I looked like a completely guilty liar, even though I was telling the truth...I felt my face flush).
H said "yeah, right".... I said "no, I'm not. That's not for me". "what's not for you?" I said "I have no interest in dating. I'm married."
H stared at me for a while after that. Idk why. I could tell the whole time, though, he was into me like I haven't seen in a long time.
Ok, are you sitting down?
Then H did this.... Started our FIRST R TALK. gasp.
H started talking and mumbling about wishing things didn't have to get so bad between us, making changes (he has said this before, meaning me, because I'm calmer, thinner, happy, confident, and a dang stunner, if I do say so myself.....but he's still blaming) and how we "can't put toothpaste back in the tube". I agreed. I told him in a calm, matter-of-fact way, that our R or marriage, or whatever he wants to call it, is dead. Gone. It died a sad death. We can't go back ever. And I wouldn't want to. <<<<180 there.
H looked sad, tearing up a bit, and seemed a bit shocked that I would say that since I was the one in denial all along that it was so bad.
Then he nodded and agreed, regained his composure, and asked me "So, what do you want to do, then?" Here's where it gets scary...
I said "what do you mean?" H looked down, started mumbling, "Well, what do you want to do, do you want to file for a divorce, or wait til the house sells, or...."
He looked like he was waiting for bad news, waiting for me to say that I'm filing. I could sense H was hoping for reassurance.
I took a deep breath. I took a moment. I said "First off, I don't have the money for a L. But.....the real reason, H, is that I don't want to divorce you." Looked H straight in the eyes and put myself out there to be shot down.
H looked down and cried. He said nothing. He pulled it together before he got too far. He repeated that we "can't go back." I agreed. I repeated that "The old relationship is gone forever. But I have been learning about how other people get through this." I told H that if both people want it, it can be done. H started getting emotional again. I knew this was enough of a seed about working on the m. Just a snack.
I told H that I took into consideration the things he had complained about, and I am becoming a better person overall. For me. I told H we both contributed to the m problems, but I can only control my own changes.
I said "I can not decide what's in your heart, nor can I control whether you choose to stay married and work on our R in the future. But I don't want to be alone forever, so these changes are for me and whomever I am married to."
H asked me straight up. "What do you want?" His eyes showed both fear and depth. It felt like a dare.
I said "I want to stay married to you." Then we stared across the table a few seconds longer. We both had tears in our eyes.
I thought he knew this, but he looked like he wasn't sure.
I deliberately left out emotional words, like I love you, I need you, I miss you, etc. I'm trying to stay factual and confident, not desperate. It worked well for me, tonight, I think.
WHAT I DIDN'T DO: Not once did I mention ow. Neither did H. I am sure ow is still in the picture. I didn't ask to get back together I didn't ask for another meeting or phone call
WHAT I DID DO: I listened I validated I remained calm and confident. I smiled when appropriate I teared up when appropriate I looked pretty fabulous
COMING CLEAN, WHAT I DID DO, THAT WAS PROBABLY UN-DB-LIKE I did ask H what he wants, after he asked me. I'm glad I did. H said "I want what I've always wanted." I knew the answer, which I'm keeping to myself, because it's ours. I did ask as we got up to leave, "Would it be completely obnoxious for me to ask for a hug?" I did this because I have never asked for any affection in the 3 mos S. It was a 180. I also sensed that he needed the reassurance, so he wouldn't likely ask.
H grabbed and hugged me tightly. Oooohhhh, it was wonderful. We held each other in a hug at the back of this little pizza place for a long long long time. Neither one of us wanted it to stop, and we kept moving our arms and hugging again. After a while, H made a joke, "just a 'little' hug?" I said, "I didn't specify 'little', did you?" And we hugged a few more seconds. I kissed his cheek. We stood there and it was like we both wanted more, but without any words, agreed that was enough for now.
It was huge.
That's all for now. I know it was a touch and go. I know it means little at the moment, he's confused, and he isn't fully baked. I also know it can, and probably will, get mean again, from the other sitches I've followed. But for now, it was very, very, good.
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
I "readied" myself, should I ever be in a position to have R talk. I figured my H would just file and be done without a talk, but being such a critical time to not fail, I studied.
As I was writing, I thought of several threads I could have saved the typing and copy/paste instead.
I can't believe the same things I have read for months, actually happened to me today. It's weirding me out.
So, Wonka, do you or any of the other experienced DBer's sometimes predict what might happen next in some threads??? Are there wagers?
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
