Mixed signals

[Rainyday]

I am new to the BB and have been reading many posts over the last month. I have found some good inspiration and hope from here, and hope you can help me sort out this mess.
I am married to my W for 26 years and we were high school sweethearts, together 30 years (or so…long time anyway). As such, I always thought we would always be together. We have been through all kinds of turmoil in our relationship mainly to do with Money, deaths, kid rearing stress and so on. We have always stuck together and truly loved each other in all this time. There has never been any unfaithfulness, and I don’t suspect any, and we have always been loyal and truthful to each other.
So you can imagine my surprise when one day out of the blue my wife says she has had enough and doesn’t think we can continue in a relationship…..(MLC?) I was devastated, totally blindsided, I had no idea etc. I think it has something to do with the last child leaving the house and she wants to “live” life now.
Apparently she was tired and felt lonely in the relationship. When I asked why she felt this way the floodgates opened. Like most people (Men…) in my situation I guess I thought things were better than they seemed. She was tired of doing everything around the house and not going out more. We have another couple that we see a lot of, and have fun going out. The wives are close friends but us husbands are not. I mean we hang out and talk and it’s all good, but we don’t socialize other than when we get together as a couple. The wives however are best buds and essentially talk or dance together all night. As you can guess, us husbands are left with polite conversation over a few beers. The problem I have is that when we go out, we really are not together, she is with her friend mostly, and spends little time with me, thus my reluctance to want to go out…. Her complaint is that she is tired of worrying if I am having a good time or not, even though I am out with her.
I’ll try to keep this short, but I am at a loss as to what to do or not do. I have read Sandi’s rules and have tried to make them relevant to my 180’s but am not having much success. (Though it’s only been 6 weeks). For example, years ago, I used to be a touchy feely guy, but she wasn’t so much, so I adjusted myself to back off over the last 10 years. Well, guess what, her main complaint is I don’t “hug” and “touch” her enough….. talk about confusion.
Anyway, I could use some advice from anyone who has the same problems or same spouse issues. I am doing more around the house, mainly for myself, as I will have to do it anyway when and if she leaves….
I am afraid that the Rules may push her further away….

[Not Quitting]

Sorry you're here RD, but this is a good place.

When I first joined, I noticed that a lot of advice started with get hold of Divorce Remedy and/or Divorce Busting and read them. Also read Sandi's Rules - which you've mentioned you've already done. Remember that they are a guideline - they won't all apply equally to every sitch.

I'm in a similar sitch - my H announced he was unhappy, and that he'd been getting closer to a new friend (since become PA. We'd been having a few problems in terms of spending time together but not enough to have expected him to announce that he wanted a D. We've now been separated for 6 weeks, and we've actually had more conversations and us time since he moved out than in the preceding few months.

I'm pretty convinced my H is MLC - as well as the OW, he's been spending cash we don't have to spare, and all his new friends aren't much older than my stepsons. He started going to the gym and is fitter now than when we got married, and he's also changed his hairstyle back to the way he wore it when we first met. The other giveaway is the fact that the OW remarkable resembles his XW#1 - that in itself screams that he's trying to recapture his youth.

You're on moderation now and your posts will take a while to show up. Don't let that stop you - keep posting in small amounts and you'll soon be off moderation. I found that frustrating when I first joined, but the more post the faster you'll be off moderation.

I'm no vet by a long shot but I've found that joining this forum is one of the best things I've done to try and save my M. Keep posting, read other threads and you may find helpful info there. Hopefully some of the vets will catch up with you soon and be able to give you more advice.

Apart from the two books and Sandi's Rules, I'd suggest finding yourself some activities to GAL, as well as the 180s. Concentrate on yourself as that is the only person you can change. Your W has to figure out things for herself at this point. Don't expect change overnight and don't get your expectations up too much when you have a good day. You're in for a rollercoaster ride - my H changes his attitude from hour to hour sometimes, not just from day to day. You're in for a long trip. If you find that some of the Rules are pushing her away, don't do them. Others may work better. It's a case of experimenting until you find what does work.

Patience is going to be very important to you in the coming weeks and months. Don't try to rush anything. And as they say on here frequently "Believe nothing that she says and only half of what she does". Doing for yourself is important - if nothing else, you'll come out of this a better person.

[AnotherStander]

So you can imagine my surprise when one day out of the blue my wife says she has had enough and doesn’t think we can continue in a relationship…..(MLC?) I was devastated, totally blindsided, I had no idea etc. I think it has something to do with the last child leaving the house and she wants to “live” life now.

MWD talks about this in DR, but basically your W has probably been planning this for months or even years. You're probably right that leaving after the last child left was her plan all along. Typically the WAS has some milestone like that that they are waiting for before dropping the bomb. From everything you describe it sounds more like WAS than MLC by the way.

I’ll try to keep this short, but I am at a loss as to what to do or not do.

Read DR, it's your roadmap on what to do and not do.

I have read Sandi’s rules and have tried to make them relevant to my 180’s but am not having much success. (Though it’s only been 6 weeks).

6 weeks isn't long enough for them to have any effect. It takes many months or even years of consistent, changed behavior before the WAS believes the changes are real.

For example, years ago, I used to be a touchy feely guy, but she wasn’t so much, so I adjusted myself to back off over the last 10 years. Well, guess what, her main complaint is I don’t “hug” and “touch” her enough….. talk about confusion.

Your confusion stems from the fact that you were mind-reading. She didn't react to your touch the way you expected, so you assumed it meant she didn't want to be touched. Obviously you were wrong. It's essential that you learn new communication skills and quit mind-reading. I spent decades mind-reading my W (because she is totally a closed book when it comes to communication) and in one weekend at RetroV I learned just how far off I was in my mind-reading. Don't assume anything, learn how to listen to your W and validate her emotions.

I am afraid that the Rules may push her further away….

You only think that because your instincts tell you to pursue, pressure, beg, plead, negotiate and reason with her. Your instincts are WRONG. Those things are pressure and WAS's HATE pressure. Stick with the rules. Note that the rules are not about being cold and indifferent, they are about lovingly pulling back and giving your W time and space to sort her thoughts.

[Rainyday]

Thanks NQ.

There is comfort here knowing I am not alone.

We had a relationship chat the other night and her words were that she didn't want me to change and be something i am not just for the relationship. But in my mind, if I don't change,(do some 180's) things will remain the same and she will still want to leave. Feels like a catch 22 or a declaration that no matter what I do, we are doomed.

We still have light chats after work, mainly about our day, but they seem labored. Once that subject is exhausted she remains quiet the rest of the evening.

Trying to be upbeat and act like i am all good is tough. I actually think it is pushing her away more like I don't care. I was always the chatter box. I think not initiating a conversation with her makes her think I don't care.

Lots of stumbling in the dark I suppose. I guess if it was easy there wouldn't be divorces..

I guess i will just have to ride this out....

[Rainyday]

Thanks AS.

The fact she may have be planning this makes sense. I will get a copy of DR and give it a go.

The Mind reading thing is interesting. I have never thought of it that way before. I guess trying to figure out the signals I am getting will be the big challenge.

Its great to have a place to share my thoughts.

Thanks again.

[Rainyday]

Hi All

Its been a while since I last posted. A lot has happened. I have been trolling this board the whole time though, looking for hope and ideas on how to rebuild.

First i bought and read DR some time ago and have been trying these techniques. How do you find the strength?

We are living apart now and have sold the house in March. I try very hard not to text or call unless its about the kids but I seem to be making up "kid" texts just to get some contact. I know this should stop.

What makes it tougher is that all our together friends have disappeared.... I guess in truth she was the more social of us and they have gravitated over to her.

This is all very tough. I don't think she has any desire to be in a relationship with me again.

Has anyone else had there whole life removed including their so called "friends " due to this. She is a WAS so I am bitter that I am left with no support.

Any advice on how to cope?

(1 day good - 3 days not so good)

[sandi2]

You need to post more than 4 posts in a year, okay? People assume you have quit and they won't keep posting without you putting some effort into your thread.

Sorry you are having such a difficult time. Maybe you need to start building a new life with another circle of friends. What do you do for GAL?

[Rainyday]

You are right sandi. i have trouble expressing myself and have always been a private type guy.

It took a lot of courage to post here. The comfort level though is improving. but i have found great encouragement and support by just reading posts of people in almost similar situations.

Doing GAL is a bit rougher for me as most of my friends where marriage friends. As my wife was always the more outgoing, they naturally gravitated toward her and i am left with nothing. She is actually planning a trip with our old travel friends, just her mind you. but this hurts a lot as well.

I have actually started going to a local pub near me about twice a week to put me out of my comfort zone. I am starting to get acquainted with a few regulars but am still quite a way away from a new circle.

I have taken up photography again and hop e to meet up with a club soon.

anyway, great place to vent, as i find it helps me greatly.

More to come.

[Rainyday]

I have been reading other posts of people in my similar situation.

Currently, my wife and I have been talking and interacting a lot. This is mainly due to our oldest daughter getting married.

We have great talks about work, kids, wedding planning, etc, nothing to do with relationship. She has said she loves me and wants to be friends, but i an having a problem with this. I have come across this in other threads that a friend wouldn't do this to me.

I feel good when we are talking, but somehow I feel that she is the only one benefiting from these "light" talks.

Now that the wedding is past,(maybe another post on how to get through that, remember its all about your daughter, not you, suck it up that day), there is really no reason for us to get together other than me pursuing or her calling.

I am struggling with detaching, and am now thinking of and maybe going a few shades of dark. I am afraid to go completely dark as this was normal for me during conflict while we were still together. She may see this as same old.

I am also thinking of telling her that I don't think I can be her friend right now, but again, I am afraid this will piss her off and push her away more.

Whats difficult is I have always trusted my gut, But DR is about not doing that, its very hard, and feels so wrong really. But i trust what I have read in other posts and their results and have been trying.

Tomorrow we will both be taking our other daughter to the airport so she can return home. I am thinking of giving the "cant be friends speech" on the way home. Ill make sure we are almost home before talking, so I don't have to walk the rest of the way..:)

Or should i just leave it and go grey and see what happens...

[BigMac]

Detaching is super hard. I'm in the middle of it myself. WAW's pick up on the non verbals when you "need" them though.

I'm only partially detached, but way better then I was weeks ago. Give it a try. Get some space. It is great for the soul.