Wife walked aways (two months ago now) new thread

[BigMac]

Sandi2 - Thank you for the 2x4. So for tonight, l am going to let her call me. If she doesn't call me I'm going to ignore her.

The plans for coffee were to go over a long laundry list of items necessary (we are parents, moving house, etc). I tried to stay away from R talk.

The point of "pinky swear" is to avoid talking about R. Just to deal with what we have to deal with and work towards some sort of friendship that will allow us to mutually parent our children.

Honesty wise, she did confuse me with being honest about receiving child support payments for D16 for the last 14 years, and not sharing them with the family. It just left me to pay for everything. So, she is being honest with this is a huge step.

The "Step forward" is establishing some sort of communication. I have a hope, though it is probably wrong that she is wavering. Either way, I want to be able to have a friendly relationship with the Mother of my son.

I think I need to not call or contact her tonight. Let her call me, and if it doesn't happen that is fine. Back to the LRT in full swing.

Getting together is just to build some sort of working relationship and trust. My gut feel is she is wavering, but I need to not screw it up. I really appreciate the advice and perspective here.

[BigMac]

Sandi2 - you nailed it. W bailed on tonight. I'm about to throw her clothes in the trash. So sick of her crap.

[BigMac]

I got an update for everyone.

The night W bailed, I called her. I was calm at the time, but basically said WTF, you aren't being very considerate. She said she was expecting me to call her, (I know, you can't listen to anything she says.

I said I still had her clothes in my trunk. And agreed that I would drop them off at her house after my dinner was done.

I end up calling her after my dinner, and she started saying that is was to far out of the way for me to drop them off, and I became very frustrated about being jerked around (I think this is my codependancy coming through). Our discussion turned sour and I should have just stopped the conversation there.

It escalated with both of us using control talk, me just trying to give her the jeans, her just not wanting to deal with me.. I just wanted to do something kind vs all the pain that has been inflicted on both sides. It was short sighted on my side.

My last button got pushed, and I told her to stop, she is ruining my life. shortly after I hung up on her. This is the first time since the separation I have verbalized to her any affect of her actions on me. It felt good, but I did worry that it will have a negative affect.

(I'm going to post the conversation of yesterday into the next post)

[BigMac]

So, the day after I give her a call. And she txt's back that she can't talk right now because she is too emotional.

I respond back saying I can understand that, and that I am pretty emotional too right now. I told her that I am trying to be kind, that we have caused each other enough pain, and we don't have to do it anymore.

I told her that I want to be kind to each other, and I believe we can do that. (The topic of me bringing her bunny out with me instead of her sending it to the breeder was what we were talking about).

I told her that I was being compassionate and kind for me. That I am tired of hurting, tired of being resentful, tired of being angry. That I want to be that happy kind of person, not someone consumed by divorce.

I told her we can be friendly and still be apart. We can do kind things for each other and still have separate lives. We can do this for ourselves, and also the kids.

(this above was all in txt in the morning). She did not reply, but I am sure she read it.

Later that evening, I gave her a call. We ended up talking for 44 minutes, it actually went really good. She expressed a bit of her frustration and fears of me "pretending" to change, her taking me back and then a month later being in the same pattern.

I responded by telling her the truth. I haven't mentioned this for a couple months now, but I did tell her that I still love her, that I will always love her, that I've talked to people who have gone down this road 15 years ago, and they still love their ex's.

I told her I wanted to still live apart. While I am open to the idea of reconciliation, I need more time and space to work on me, and I need to see that some of the changes she is making are permanent too.

I told her that this has been the hardest thing that has ever happened to me, and that there have been days of sadness, despair and pain. That for the past 4-6 weeks or so I have been working through things, and finding myself. That I am still in that process and I need time. That I don't want to slip back into our old patterns.

I was using some better communication methods of acknowledging her feelings ("I can see how you feel that way"). I was just being open and honest. I was being a bit vulnerable. I was demonstrating empathy.

I also took a huge risk, I told her that if I was in her position (hot blonde surrounded by male options) that I probably would have broken down and hid in someone else's arms for a while. That I would have wanted someone to hold me and tell me it was all going to be all right. I wasn't giving her an excuse, I just acknowledged how hard it is.

I did also follow up with the fact, that not falling into someone else's arms was the best thing for me. It helped me find strength in myself vs others. That I am glad I didn't because I would just become dependent on someone else.

So, yes. I broke a bunch of the rules yesterday. For the first time W was open about some of her feelings, and expressed why she was angry (a little bit) vs just being angry about something.

We actually had a dialogue about a couple things, which for her is epic. She normally just bottles stuff up and expresses anger.

Now I am going to go back to the rules. I am not going to pursue. I am going to be kind and compassionate, though aside from transporting her bunny with me and my son to Tx I am not going to go out of my way to do anything for her.

Sandi2 nailed it. She doesn't want me to do anything, she is avoiding me. I agree she does feel pursued. I am just going to continue taking care of my boy and myself. That's all I can do.

[BigMac]

Journaling

I'm having one of those no hope days. I have my son with me again, so I don't let him see me down.

I gave 30 days notice on the house that we rented (well, I've been living her without her since February, and officially since May. I'm moving the kids out to Austin where she moved to.

I have to say, this is shaking me to my core. In one of the co-dependancy books the author talks about "in-between times" My job changed (company got acquired) the day that W left and never came back. My W has been gone, and I'm processing through that, I'm losing my home of the past 3 years and having to find a new place in a new town.

I'm scared. Very fundamentally, I'm scared. I wish that I could believe that this world was a safe place. I wish I could believe it will all work out. But lets face it. It hasn't been working out so swell for us so far.

I am losing patience, I am losing hope. There have been minor positive changes in our communication, but ever since the OM heated up she has been angry. I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know when I got married, I said for better or worse, sicker or poorer till death do us part. But I struggle being the only one holding onto those vows. I never thought that working towards reconciliation would feel more alone then being alone.

[bashy]

Heh Big Mac. You'll get through this. I know those 'no hope' days. Had a breakdown last week. But you'll get through this. Detach. Act as if even though you're angry and hurting. You can do it my friend!!!

[BigMac]

Bashy,

The detaching is weird. I find that anger and frustration comes up from unexpected places. Especially when I look at my S8. He misses his mom so bad. He has seen her less times then you can count on two hands since Feb, and then since May hasn't seen her at all.

I'm sitting in the household that we built, our entire adult lives spent creating and raising a family, theoretically building something that will last the ages.

And yes, I am lonely, so lonely. I am doing the "right" thing and being a good dad. I am there for my S8. I have not abandoned him. He gets sooo sad when both of us are gone. And he is sooo happy when I am here.

Earlier in the separation the W had taken the kids away (her D16 that we both raised since she was 1 and our S8). It broke me further then I was already broken. D16 is so angry at me (I think she's been talking to her mom) she just wants to stay with the grandparents. And frankly, I don't have the energy to deal with the never ending D16 drama (she is sooo her mothers daughter).

So I am sitting her, without a support system (I don't even have day care....) Trying to be the best dad I can be for a lost and broken little boy (I fall into that category too). I am trying to take time for myself too. I figure when the kids get to Austin, and I can finally find a place things will be easier for me. The W and I can start splitting parenting responsibilities (vs me and the in laws who are a 250 mile round trip away).

So yes, I am in a dark place. My W is in R with another man. I am left alone to clean up the mess of our past life, and try to craft something of a sustainable future for me and the kids.

So yeah, I'm in a dark place. I'm a little scared. Hell, I'm a lot scared, and many times a lot alone. I'm still in a much better place mentally then I was a couple weeks ago, and in a much better place then I was a couple months ago. But I still find myself crying... I still find myself feeling.

I wish I hated her, I wish I didn't love her, I wish I couldn't find it within myself to forgive her. This would be so much easier.

[BigMac]

Contact log

This morning, I get looped into a conversation on twitter scheduling a poker game. I have to give my standard reply "W and I are separated, we have been best friends for 14 years, and I hope to be best friends for the next 14"

W then follows up with a text to me asking a favor, for me to bring some of her jewelry, clothes and camera's with me when I drive the car out this week. I reply to her that I don't think there will be space. (setting boundaries, and not giving gifts .. thanks Sandi2)

A couple hours later she calls me while I am at the store, asking me to rent a room in the house next door (the place she has been renting from). I told her I would think about it, but I think I want something a bit closer to downtown and then chit chatted about the bunny and trip. Then told her I had to go and hung up.

So, question. My gut feel is that I don't want to see her every day. But then the room is closer to the kids. I was thinking about renting it for a couple weeks, just so I don't have to worry about having a room in town, and then bouncing to a better place when I get it lined up.

Thoughts? Is this her wanting me to close, controlling me? testing boundaries? Actually being nice?

[BigMac]

Any thoughts on renting a room in the house next door? My gut feel is that I need the boundaries, although it does get me a place to live in Austin for the first month until I can find my permanent place.

[sandi2]

Any thoughts on renting a room in the house next door?

It would be a big mistake, IMO.