I remember that movie! My H is a huge Jim Carrey fan. I think that describes them the best.
I read on another post or book somewhere that the MLCer will appear "normal" around others, work, family, etc. I've often thought of contacting H's mom to find out what she thinks, but I agree with AJ. MIL will say something like "he seems happy and doing well." that will NOT be what I want to hear, but I also don't really want him miserable either.
I'm new to this too Shining and I'm hoping the "masks" don't last forever!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
AJM, yyyeeessssssss!!!! Oh, she is more than a little "off".... I didn't even consider the possibility of her seeing only what she wants to see in her own son. (DUH...face-palm). She has been the most vocal about being disappointed in him... That was early days. I rarely speak to any of the IL's now.
I don't want to ever hear he is miserable. I couldn't stand to see him hurting during our marriage, no matter the cause. Even if we D, go our separate ways, and never see each other again, I would feel the same. I'm not wired to carry anger for long. Never was. Confusion and denial, maybe. Not anger .
It amazes me how one example MIL sentence can demonstrate her off-ness.... And how perceptive you were to pick that up!
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
H went to IL's for Easter this past year, the first time alone. It was days after BD. My IL's said he seemed fine and normal. I asked hem at the time, "And that doesn't concern you??? Do you think he SHOULD appear normal after declaring he wants to end a marriage????
They got real quiet.
Yup, we're both so new to this mess. Sounds like we have quite a long "sentence" to serve. I'm so grateful for this board and the wisdom shared. I hope to learn enough to pay it forward one day.
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
Shining - I used to puzzle over this ability to appear 'normal' to some people. My eldest son's view is 'Dad can do 'normal' for a short period but then the cracks start to show'.
Also the closer they are to people, the more obvious it is there is something wrong. Most MLCers do not have a close emotional bond or the usual sort with their parents . . if they did they probably wouldn't be in MLC.
I don't know if you have seen a fascinating study of identical twins - the closer you are to them the less likely you are to be fooled, even for a minute, whereas acquaintance and casual friends can be taken in by one posing as the other for long periods.
In other words we pick up more cues when we are close to someone. And I also agree with AJ that to some extent people see what they want to see.
Soon after my xh left me, some former friends told me he was fine and never happier, whereas when I met up with him to discuss the separation and money matters, he looked terrible, really terrible. The former friends supported my xh (the only ones that did, and interestingly they have made overtures to me in the last few years, which I have replied to politely - (I think that NOW they can see he is really crazy).
I always tell them that I am fine, and life could not be better!
Hey Shining, sorry I havent been around. You have been in real good hands and have been doing so well. Good on you.
So, just a couple of things about the mask. When you are depressed, you put all your energy into appearing ok when you need to. But you cant keep that up all the time. It spills over eventually.
They try to appear "happy" to others. Otherwise, all that they did will seem crazy. If they arent happy, then they were wrong. They cant handle that.
But you are right, you dont want him to hurt anymore than he already is.
He is struggling a great deal. It really is a sad thing. Hard to remember that at times, I know.
So, are you continuing to do self work? GALing? Your kids doing well?
Yeap, the mask is true, but with my back to him and 10m away I could tell he wasn't ok or normal. I could feel it and hear it!
Nods, I was ok in a great place felt strong relaxed, but him not ok, not fine. He should be on top of the world new ow, family who support no mater how crazee you act, but alas stuck out like dogs b!
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
uR, so glad to see you pop back in, thank you. I hope all is well with you lately
What you wrote makes much sense. We were really crazy about each other. I can't imagine he is as glad to be rid of us as he was acting. He has softened a significant amount toward me in the past month. Very cordial and polite. Complains about realtor, but that's the only time I've seen frustration from him for a long time, but we have very few interactions.
As far as GAL, I have 4 kids, 2 just graduated and turned 18. They all keep me pretty busy, but still time for me.
Fun stuff: This summer we have gone to movies, went to a simulated sky-diving place (so cool), and a few times gone out to eat.
Kids' activities: S15 started archery, a progressive program similar to achieving a new belt in Karate, D13 started volleyball and continues soccer. None of their activities are top level competitive, mostly for fun and exercise. I want them active, but not overbooked.
Older boys work full-time. One of the twins is going into the Army. The other is going to college, locally. They are busy, but very responsible and helpful to their mama.
Me: I work full-time, and have a physical trainer I started working with in March. I meet with him 1-2 times per week. I usually go for a walk on my off days. I read. I go to counseling. We all go to counseling, actually. And church.
There is a church group I discovered that is geared toward people struggling with difficulties with a spouse that has an addiction, affairs, other stuff.... It seems to be a good group to look into.
I have two close friends that I meet with, but scheduling is tough. They are very busy. Hoping to expand my social circle with a group.
I also started job hunting... Not sure if you saw that post .
I'm getting there.
This is truly the hardest thing I've been through. I'll list it all at some point. Don't care to put it all in one place at the moment because I'm working on my.....
PMA TODAY, BAYBAY!!! (That would be acting "as if")
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
You describe my H almost exactly. It's amazing how he can put it on for them. And my reaction was the same as yours, if I read correctly. I can't believe this is even possible sometimes! It's enough to make me question whether I'm the one who is losing it! H kids have experienced a lot and that is validating, but more so, it's sad. I'm sad they have to see this.
Also the part about not being wrong.... Ding! Yup. That's him.
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
I believe I can sense his moods behind the mask, too. Its hard to see him try so hard to fool me. I'm baffled that others don't see it, but what Bea wrote explains that, since we are closer to them and know their mannerisms better.
I once called his work and the tone of his voice on the outgoing vm message.... PLEASE !!!! It sounds like he's trying so hard to be cheery and it's almost laughable. The voice is NOTHING like he used to speak on his message! It's so perky and phony! Not genuinely happy. Forced.
BLEH.
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
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