Possible MLC WAH, and need guidance

[Atsbaby]

Thanks mighty! I know I need to be careful with the contact. I read another post and saw where someone mentioned the touch and go...this is probably what he is doing. I'm still waiting for the $h!t to hit the fan. He's been too nice for too long...I saw some of the monster yesterday and a little earlier today.

Just want to vent real quick...
H told kids to call if they wanted to hang with him at the football field. S called at 5 and H said he'd come get him...showed up 45 mins later (field is 10 min away). I could see the frustration on S face and he even called H again asking where he was. Don't start doing this to your kids! I think he may be losing D. She doesn't seem to want to be with him and is building a really strong bond with me...I'll hear about that soon, I'm sure!

[Atsbaby]

I'm not detached enough! I'm actually jealous of my kids getting hugs and kisses and "I love you" from H. They also get to "date" him this week. I need more single friends!

I'm struggling with seeing H everyday. I don't really want to suggest he move out officially since that would not help the sitch, but I seem to be "stuck."

All my friends that are local are married with their own families so trying to go out in the evenings is too tough, plus I seem to have the kids EVERY night. I do start a marriage crisis support group Thursday night. I'm really looking forward to this. It's at a local church and this specific group is for wives...maybe they will be looking for a free night too.

Off to bed, actually get to be distracted and occupied tomorrow

[Atsbaby]

Yesterday was ok. H texted me while I was training and asked if I could get tape for S football equipment...I know, no expectations! I thought since we were out BEFORE the game this past Saturday and H said he'd get some, that he actually followed through...dumb me!

I was respectful and polite at practice, but focused on S and my homework. H got up and socialized most of practice. As we were leaving, H asked about dinner (which surprised me actually). I told him the kids were going to eat frozen pizza. He turned up his nose and I commented that was how I felt. We left and H was not immediately at the house. I guessed he went to wherever.

He eventually showed up. He complained about stress this week and seems to be using this as his excuse to have sex with me. I deflected a little bit, I need to shower, it's late...but H followed me around like a lost puppy.

I did jump in the shower and H actually came into the bathroom to talk to me...this hasn't happened in months. When I got out he again pursued the sex. I caved...how can you not when the love of your life is so desperately wanting sex with you!

We'll see how today goes....

[Atsbaby]

Well the sh!t has hit the fan...H just retained lawyer on 7/25 and did not tell me. I was checking our account and boom there it was. What an a$$!

The one thing I do know is he can't file as long as we are in a sexual relationship. We have to be at least 60 days... I knew there was a reason I was having sex with him all of a sudden. I know I'm mind reading but could he be feeling guilty?

We hadn't had sex for 3 months and 7/28 we started again...is he sabotaging what he is trying to do?

This has really made me angry! I can't believe he is really doing this, I know, it's just a piece of paper, but ....stupid MLC.

What do I need to look for in a lawyer?

[LoisB]

Ats,

I'm sorry you were taken by surprise. I know it feels like another punch in the stomach. Let the information settle a bit and you will see it's not the end of the world--and, may be a good thing--in the long run, because you will be protected financially.

Many attorneys will meet with you for the first time for free. Shop around and find someone who you feel comfortable with...I relied heavily on recommendations from family and friends. But, if you don't have that, you can find lots of recommendations online these days.

In fact, for some questions, I posted on online lawyer forums where you anonymously post your questions and local lawyers will respond with their advice in an effort attract your business.

You can do this. You're right, it's just a piece of paper...but, it's a piece of paper that could protect you from further financial harm from this man. Think of it as a favor he has done...he's pushing you to protect yourself from HIM.

[Matt165]

So sorry Ats,
Sounds like you have a cake eater on your hands. Doesn't tell you he got a L but follows you around looking for sex? I'm sorry to say the man your H has become is no longer the "love of your life", that man has checked out. Believe me I know how hard it is to really understand this. You want to think that no one can change this much this fast and somewhere in there is the man you M. It took me a long time to really get this. In fact so long I let my W get away with so many things that she shouldn't have.

In my case I found a L that would do the D for a flat fee instead of hourly. If you don't have a lot of assets like investments and such you may be able to find someone who will do it for a flat fee. My W didn't and she has already almost gone thru her total retainer (which was $500 more than the total amount my L charged me). This way you are protected from him filing doc. after doc. and running up the bill. Since he is making the money for now, that may be important for you. My W did the same type thing to me, telling me she would be able to make enough to pay the bills while I started a new company where it would take a few years to get back to making what I had been. Then a couple months later asked for D. If the kids are your #1 concern, get a L who believes in fighting for what's best for kids. My D14 custody is the most important thing to me while it's become clear that "stuff" is more important to my W. Just be sure you feel comfortable with the one you pick and feel he will listen to what you want. Some do what they think is best and it may not be what you do.

So, sorry that it's come to this. I am in the same boat and it still makes no sense to me that my W after 20 years and 2 kids refused to try anything to make the M work. Once she said she wanted a D, that was it for her and she stayed on that course. Just remember, this is a business transaction, nothing more. My W has also after 21 years now wanting to go back to her maiden name! She has convinced herself (like your H) that all she needs to do to be "happy" is throw away her old life completely. It may just be a piece of paper but I really don't think my W see's it that way. She see's it as the "answer" to all her pain, unhappiness, problems. We are the enemy now. Protect yourself and try and remember (although I KNOW it's hard) that he ISN'T the love of your life anymore. That man is gone forever. Whether or not he will ever come around and see you and the M really weren't to blame for his problems is something only time will tell. For now, you are best to think he is gone for good and to protect yourself and your kids.

[AJM]

The one thing I do know is he can't file as long as we are in a sexual relationship. We have to be at least 60 days... I knew there was a reason I was having sex with him all of a sudden. I know I'm mind reading but could he be feeling guilty?

We hadn't had sex for 3 months and 7/28 we started again...is he sabotaging what he is trying to do?

Not likely using you per se. More likely conflicted. It's not like he doesn't know the separation of 60 days is required.

There is a lot of conflicting emotions that go on in a MLCrs head and at the end of a relationship. You're just catching the flak of it. There's a book called Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life that may be worth the few minutes it takes to read.

It really comes down to what you want. I do highly recommend that you retain a lawyer and watch the financial assets though. If you can squirrel some away, that may be helpful to make sure it's not gone. You'll have to disclose it but at least it'll be there.

When you look for a lawyer, what are your goals? Many of them will try to play your emotions. The easiest emotion to play is anger, so many will incense you and get you riled up, then make suggestions. When you look for one, look for one that is on your side and fits your values. There are many to choose from and you can interview as many as needed. Don't hesitate to tell them no and walk to another until you find one that fits.

AJ

[Atsbaby]

Thank you for the advice. I was floored when I saw that check come through. Surprisingly, I haven't cried. I must be more detached than I thought...maybe, I was pretty sad.

I still have hope, he did come back last time and that was when he admitted EA. The hope isn't as strong but its here.

So H took S to the PGA practice round today and shared lots of pics with me. H also told me how much he spent and talked a lot about the pros they saw. I validated and supported. H did have a short altitude towards D. I keep waiting for him to come out of this, but I think we aren't close to the end of those tunnels.

I was reading some old posts and they mentioned at bomb drop that we are only 50-75% through...which puts me to July 2015-17. I hope were at 75%!

Like Lois mentioned, maybe this is a good thing. He hasn't been on his own and is always around so he can't miss me.

One day at a time...

[Atsbaby]

It just hit me! Two Fridays ago, H said he had to work on sat to catch up on work....he was making up time for going to L. Should I confront him and ask if he filed?

I'm so angry! I know he's going to lie to me, but seriously, why about this? I should probably put up a boundary with not having sex either. How should I approach this?

[LoisB]

Ats,

Here's the slippery slope...BE ANGRY...Angry is good...it promotes healing and gives you energy to move forward.

HOWEVER, you can't bludgeon HIM with the anger. And, be careful when you talk to him right now because it will slip out.

If there's one thing I regret in all this...it's my acting on impulse sooo often when concerning my H.

You just received some shattering, shocking news...allow it to sink in. Until YOU know what's right for you...no more sex.

Get quiet within yourself and get in touch with what YOU want.

I know it's hard, but think of him as a teenager right now. When a teen does something rebellious and acts out...they walk around with that burden, sneakily, in order to avoid punishment. My D20 wore a bobby sock for three weeks in 90 degree weather--EVERYWHERE--to the bathroom--in order to keep me from discovering the lengthy tattoo on her foot.

Let him stew in his own juices right now. The minute you confront, it changes the dynamic. An adult would give you a heads up on going to the lawyer...his behavior validates that he isn't an adult right now...and using the joint checking!

Your confronting him right now will take some pressure off his already heavy shoulders.

Part of him may be counting on you Reacting to his behavior and, then, he doesn't have to face up to his actions...because YOU will do it for him.

Think this one through...whatever you do. I know how hard it is...been to that party...but, you can do this.

Take that anger and use it to make an appointment with some lawyers. You don't need to commit to anything. Just make one appointment for today.

You can do this.